


I Unlove You

by dreyars



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-29
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-06 15:51:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 67,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1863534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreyars/pseuds/dreyars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a compilation of all of my works for the Unlove Challenge.  All works will center around Kuroo and Tsukishima and their beautiful, dysfunctional relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You were right about me.

**Author's Note:**

> Day 1 Prompt : You were right about me.

_“You’re a piece of trash.”_

_“You’re self-centered, cocky and obnoxious.  You never cared about me.”_

_“The only thing you ever wanted was something to play with!”_

_“You’re nothing. You only ever cared about yourself.”_

Kuroo let out a loud sigh and leaned back against the wall behind him.  It was dark.  After midnight at least.  How long had he been sitting on the floor? At least three hours. He wasn’t totally sure.  His ass hurt.  His back hurt.  His face hurt and his knuckles hurt.  His mouth kind of tasted like blood and there was probably a bruise forming on his back from where he had hit the kitchen counter.  He knew he should probably get up and go to bed. Maybe at least clean up the broken glass that was scattered around the kitchen.

But what was the point?

He decided that there wasn’t one.

Not really. 

Nothing mattered at all.

He was right.

Tsukishima always had that quality to him. Being right.

He was right when he called him an idiot when Kuroo first asked him out on a date on a day that seemed like it was ages ago.

He was right when he suggested that they probably shouldn’t move in together when Tsukishima had graduated from high school.

He was right when he said that the brown-haired guy that was tutoring Kuroo in chemistry was bad news, and he was right when he asked Kuroo to get a new tutor.

He was always right.  And everything he had said tonight before storming out of the apartment was right on the mark.

Kuroo laughed cynically at the silence in the empty apartment.  Around this time, Tsukishima would normally be taking a shower after studying for one of his many classes.  Kuroo would hear the music Tsuki always listened to while in the shower as he laid in bed, waiting for the other boy to come and snuggle up next to him.  The bedsprings would squeak as Tsukishima crawled in beside him, and he would start snoring softly before Kuroo even got comfortable.

He wondered where Tsukishima had gone to. Whose couch were his feet hanging off of tonight?  Was he even able to sleep?

As Kuroo listened to the nothingness that surrounded him, he decided that he would probably never sleep again.

He had read online once that you could die from sleep deprivation.

Maybe that was the best course of action.

Kuroo shook his head to rid himself of the stinging that was prickling in the backs of his eyes.

He was the one who had caused his boyfriend so much pain. It wouldn’t be fair to think he had been the one suffering.

Boyfriend? Now that was a laugh.

Kuroo never would have thought he would think of the blonde haired boy in that way, but it was a little too late for that at this point wasn’t it?  Tsukishima was probably trying to find another place to live at this very moment.

But maybe not!

Kuroo shot off the ground when he heard the front door slam open, letting in the sound of thunder and rain hitting the pavement five stories below.  He ran to the front door and saw it swinging on its hinges, slamming against the wall as it swayed in the howling wind.

Of course it wasn’t Tsukishima.  It was foolish of him to think it would be.

But what a time for it to be ‘just the wind’.  Tsukishima had probably forgotten to lock it. He had left so fast, why would he bother with the lock?

Kuroo shouted before closing the door and trudging to the kitchen, flicking on all the lights as he passed.  When he turned the kitchen light on, the shiny blue glass of the plate that had been dropped (thrown) sparkled gleefully, almost as if it was mocking him.  Kuroo kicked some of it out of the way, under the stove and lip of the counter, before picking up a chair that had been knocked over and plopping down.

He really was a piece of shit.  There really was no point in trying to fight it.

From the very beginning, he had really only ever been out for himself.

Playing volleyball, making friends with Tsukishima, even the university he had chosen had all been acts of selfishness and he knew it.  Hell, the only reason he so nicely coached Tsukishima in volleyball had been to get in his pants.  He knew it, and Tsukishima was right when he called him out on it.

Selfish, selfish, selfish.

And of course, sleeping with his tutor had been the ultimate act of selfishness.  Maybe he hadn’t understood that moving in together with Tsukishima meant that their relationship had turned exclusive, even if it had never been strictly stated by either party.  Maybe he was under the impression that sleeping in the same bed every night with someone you had been dating for over a year didn’t mean that you couldn’t bring an outsider into that bed.

Maybe he was just absolute garbage that didn’t know how to make the best relationship he’d ever been in succeed.

He recalled what had transpired earlier in the evening.  They had just finished fucking and it had been great.  He remembered thinking that it wasn’t as good as the sex he’d had with Tsukishima, but he didn’t remember regretting it until after Tsukishima had left.  The guy departed 10 minutes before Tsuki reached home; they probably passed each other walking down the street. 

Kuroo wondered if they had recognized each other.  He wondered if Tsukishima had seen the angry red mark he had left on the other man’s neck.

Tsuki arrived barely 30 seconds after Kuroo finished changing the sheets. The washing machine was already whirring away in the closet at the end of the hall.  But that wasn’t enough. Kuroo knew that Tsukishima was way too perceptive to have that little bit of damage control be enough.

Kuroo met him in the entryway as Tsuki closed the front door behind him.  He had embraced him and kissed him and felt him stiffen in his arms when he tasted the other man in his mouth.  Tsukishima disentangled himself from Kuroo’s grasp with a twisted and confused look on his face before excusing himself to go change clothes.

Kuroo waited for him to return in the kitchen.  The blue plate he had used at lunchtime sat on the table.

Tsukishima had then appeared in the kitchen doorway with a red face, eyes screwed up behind his glasses.  Kuroo hadn’t been sure if he had been trying not to cry or if he was just angry.

He quickly realized it was anger when Tsukishima shoved his palm flat against Kuroo’s chest, pushing him back against the counter before dropping something on the ground. Kuroo quickly glanced down at it before returning his gaze back to Tsukishima.

It was an empty condom wrapper.

“What the hell is that?”  Tsukishima was trying not to shout as he pointed a finger at the offending object.

Kuroo said nothing.

“Well fucking say _something_! We have never used that brand, Kuroo. Where the hell did it come from?”

He looked away and stared at the clock on the wall. 8:30.

Kuroo could hear Tsukishima breathing, thickly and heavily.  From that alone he could tell that Tsukishima had started to cry.  He kept his head down; that was nothing he wanted to see.

“Goddamn it, ANSWER ME!” Tsukishima was shouting now, voice cracking as he got louder.  “What did you do?”

Kuroo couldn’t look at him.  “I don’t know what you want me to say, Kei.”

Tsukishima was on him in a moment, hands fisted at the front of his shirt.  “Never call me that.  You can’t call me that anymore.”

Kuroo braced his hands on the counter behind him.  He felt a few wet drops from Tsukishima’s face roll down and drop onto his shirt as his own eyes started to burn.  He tensed as Tsukishima released his hold on one side of his shirt to pull back his collar.

He could hear Tsukishima gasp before releasing his grip completely.  Kuroo knew he shouldn’t have let that guy bite.

“You’re an asshole. A pathetic piece of shit.”

“You got me there, Kei.”  Kuroo finally raised his face to look Tsukishima in the eyes.  They were ringed with red, with wet streaks running from the corners.  Kuroo wasn’t sure why he was trying to make the poor boy even more upset by continuing to use his given name.

Kuroo flinched when he saw the blue plate shatter as it collided with the wall above his head.  He shielded his eyes and gave Tsukishima a cold smirk.

“Wow.  Never thought you had it in you, sweetheart.”

He couldn’t remember if Tsukishima had responded before his boyfriend’s knuckles connected with his jaw.

Kuroo’s back scraped against the cabinets as he fell to the tile.  The broken glass cut into his knuckles as he braced himself for the fall.  All he could do was sit there on the kitchen floor and take every single justly foul thing that Tsukishima’s mouth had to offer.

_Piece of shit._

_Trash._

_Son of a bitch._

_Selfish._

_Garbage._

_Pathetic._

“Your repertoire of insults isn’t very colorful.”

Tsukishima groaned in exasperation before turning away and storming back to the living room.  He wasn’t crying anymore.

Kuroo got up and followed him only to the doorway of the kitchen.

“What are you doing?”

“Leaving.”

Kuroo leaned against the doorframe and rubbed the back of his head.  “Why?”

Tsukishima’s eyes looked dead when he next looked at Kuroo.  He didn’t say anything as he grabbed his bag and left, slamming the door behind him.

He should have said something.

Done something.

Gone after him.

But he didn’t.

He just slid to the carpet just outside the kitchen and stared into the darkness until the storm had woken him from his self-pity.

Kuroo propped his head on the kitchen table, moaning softly that he was sorry to the empty room.

He really was an idiot.

He was a sorry, pathetic idiot and Tsukishima was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Kuroo and Tsukishima to the moon and back, but I love a love-hate, angst filled, dysfunctional relationship even more. I will try with all my soul to actually have something to post on each of the days (there is 26 prompts so, here's to that). I already have the first 5 days (4 if you don't include this one) worked out, so be vigilant.  
> Thanks for reading!


	2. I was wrong about you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 2 Prompt : I was wrong about you.
> 
> Some days will be stand alone type fics, but Day 2 makes more sense if you read day 1 first.

How could everything be so royally fucked up?

Why hadn’t Kuroo said something to him as he left their shared apartment that evening?

Why the hell was he sleeping on someone’s couch instead of the bed he and Kuroo shared?

How could he have been _so wrong_ about someone he thought cared about him?

Tsukishima flipped from his back to his stomach and buried his face in his arms.  He didn’t want to be here.  He didn’t want to be sleeping on his classmate’s couch under a scratchy, musty old blanket in an apartment he was unfamiliar with that was kept about 10 degrees too cold.  He didn’t want to be awake at 1am on a school night either.

What he really wanted was to be with Kuroo, but he had a little bit more self-respect than that.

Tsukishima groaned and reached down to grab his phone that was sitting on the floor.  He quickly flicked it open and looked at the blinding screen.

No new messages. No new calls.

But why would there be?

He had been wrong about Kuroo all along, after all.

Tsukishima began laughing at himself as he felt tears bubbling up behind his eyelids again.  They were warm and tasted salty as they dripped down his cheeks and into his mouth.  Salty like the sweat that he smelled on Kuroo’s skin when he first hugged him after returning home last night.

Kuroo had tried to pretend like nothing was amiss as he kissed Tsukishima.  Tsukishima shivered under his blanket at the thought of Kuroo kissing him with a mouth that had been on someone else’s body.  And he knew exactly where Kuroo’s mouth had been just from the taste of it.  He had tasted himself off of those lips one too many times before to not know what those flavors meant.

That hadn’t even been the worst of it.  Sure, the physical smell and taste of Kuroo had been different, and that had been pretty damaging.  But their whole bedroom smelled like sex.  It was dank and musky and undoubtedly masculine and different from the way he smelled when he was with Kuroo.  And of course there was that purple, shiny condom wrapper peeking out from underneath his pillow.  _His pillow_. Not Kuroo’s.

Tsukishima wasn’t sure if he was the bigger idiot for trusting Kuroo or if it was his boyfriend for being such a failure at hiding the evidence.

Were they even boyfriends anymore?  Did Tsukishima even want to be?

He couldn’t be certain.

All he knew was that he had been wrong.

So very, very wrong.

He had deceived himself into thinking that Kuroo actually cared about something other than himself for once.  That maybe, just _maybe_ Kuroo actually cared about him.

Maybe he even thought that Kuroo loved him, even though he had never said it.

The way Kuroo had always acted towards him up to this point sure felt like love.  The soft touches and gentle kisses.  The way he called his given name so quietly in the morning that it sounded like a song.  Only Kuroo could turn a one syllable name into a song.  But Kuroo had constantly been surprising him in that way.  He always did things like that, things that he had never seen Kuroo do for anyone else.  He’d take care of him if he ever got sick and rub his feet if Tsukishima had had a particularly long day at his part-time job.  And he always handled Tsukishima so gently in every way, whether it be simply holding hands as they walked down the street or rolling around under their sheets at home.  Kuroo was only ever gentle with Tsukishima.

Maybe that’s why he had so easily fooled Tsukishima into thinking that he actually _cared_.

Tsukishima remembered returning to the kitchen to find Kuroo leaning against the counter waiting for him, the small foil wrapper balled up in his hand.  Kuroo’s nonchalance toward the whole situation infuriated him.  He could tell that Kuroo knew that Tsukishima had figured it out as rage boiled in the pit of his stomach.  He was ashamed that he had started to cry when Kuroo didn’t answer him.

Tsukishima couldn’t remember the last time he was actually so upset that he cried.  Maybe when he was a kid and he had fallen down a flight of three stairs when chasing after Akiteru? That was the last time he could remember.

And the way Kuroo said his name made him sick.  It wasn’t sweet or gentle and all songs had long gone.  It sounded mocking, like Kuroo was actually making fun of him for trusting him.  It sounded like Kuroo was spitting all of his misplaced trust and love right back in his face.

Tsukishima wished he hadn’t. He wished he hadn’t trusted that son of a bitch and he wished he hadn’t gotten close enough to see those ugly purple bruises dotting the normally flawless skin of his lover’s shoulder.

Despite how angry he was, Tsukishima is distantly glad that the plate he threw hadn’t actually met its mark and hit Kuroo in the head.  He knew it was childish.  He knew it was petty.  But it was so brilliantly satisfying watching the blue porcelain shatter and fall in pieces on the cold tile floor.

It shattered just like Tsukishima’s idea of what a perfect relationship was supposed to be.

He regretted it. He regretted every single moment from the time he first gave Kuroo his number to the time that his fist connected with Kuroo’s lying face.

He definitely regretted that.

It felt good at the time, just like everything revolving around Kuroo did.  But now, as Tsukishima lies in the dark, it only stings.  His knuckles hurt and his eyes burn.

Most sickeningly, his heart aches.

His heart aches because in all honesty, he did love Kuroo.

No, he loves Kuroo.

He loves his stupid smirking smile and the way he walks and laughs and the way he feels pressed up against him at night.  He loves the way he rolls up his sleeves when he’s cooking and his terrible singing voice and the way his hair smells when he gets out of the shower.

If it had been anyone else, maybe this wouldn’t feel like such a betrayal.

If it had been anyone else, maybe he wouldn’t feel like melting into this couch and dying.

But it wasn’t anyone else.  It was Kuroo, and no matter how wrong it is to love him, he does.

Tsukishima groans and covers his eyes when the phone that is still in his hand shines brightly as a new message comes in.  After blinking away the spots in his eyes, he looks at it to see Kuroo’s smiling face, tongue sticking out and peace sign pressed into his cheek.

Tsukishima is so tempted to go throw the phone into the garbage disposal in the kitchen, but he doesn’t as curiosity overtakes him and he opens the message.

_Tetsurou : Please come home._

Tsukishima scoffs and places his glasses back on his face before sitting up. He quickly typed back a response.

_K : I was wrong to trust you._

Kuroo’s reply was almost instantaneous.

_Tetsurou : I know. I’m so sorry._

_Tetsurou : I understand if you want to leave permanently._

_Tetsurou : But please just give me five minutes to talk to you before you do._

_Tetsurou : Please, Kei._

Tsukishima frowned and threw his phone into his bag that was at the foot of the couch.  It was a mistake to answer that text.  It made him look weak, as if he was actually open to accepting Kuroo’s fake apologies.

Tsukishima tried to go to sleep as his phone continued to buzz frantically in his bag.  After about 15 minutes of incessant buzzing, he reaches down to get it and sees he has 5 missed calls, 1 voicemail, and 7 text messages from Kuroo.  He debates whether he should bother opening any of them or not before losing the battle and reading each and every one.

_Tetsurou : Kei please answer me._

_Tetsurou : I know it looked bad but I’m not going to lie or deny anything._

_Tetsurou : I just want you to know you’re right_

_Tetsurou : everything you said about me was right I’m not worthy of your time_

_Tetsurou : but please just answer you phone._

_Tetsurou : kei._

The last message came in a few minutes after the rest, probably after Kuroo had tried calling him.

_Tetsurou : I meant it. goodnight, prince._

Tsukishima grimaced at the ridiculous nickname Kuroo had given him long ago.  It had something to do with how smooth and pale Tsukishima’s skin is coupled with his blonde hair.  He never really understood it.

Finally, Tsukishima pressed the phone to his ear to listen to Kuroo’s voicemail.

“Kei.” Hearing his name said by Kuroo’s voice sent chills down his spine.  It was rough, almost like Kuroo had been crying himself.  It wasn’t the sing-song way Kuroo normally said it, but at least it no longer sounded mocking. “Kei, I’m so sorry.  I’m a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve you.  I don’t expect you to answer your phone or any of my texts but please. Please just listen to me for a second.  I love you.  I fucked up so bad today, and I don’t have any excuses other than I’m an absolute idiot who blew the most important thing he’s ever had.  I fucked up and I love you.  I don’t want you to forgive me but please, come home. Please.”

The message clicks off and the automated messages start rolling.

Tsukishima clicks his phone off and tosses it back to the floor.  His throat feels thick and hot and makes it so he can barely breath.

He was wrong about Kuroo so many times, so he wondered how wrong it would be to listen to Kuroo once more. He falls into a restless sleep without answering.

When he wakes in the morning, Tsukishima types out a vague response before getting up to go to school.

_K : I’ll be coming to the apartment today after class to get clothes._

Kuroo replies before he walks out of the front door.

_Tetsurou : I love you so much. Thank you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And ta da here is day 2! Like I said at the beginning, most of these prompts don't fit together and will be able to be read individually if desired, but days 1 and 2 sort of go together (day 3 will be the end of this little sad saga though, so stick around to read the shocking conclusion tomorrow~!)


	3. This cancels out the hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 3 Prompt : This cancels out the hurt.
> 
> Day 3 also goes along with 1& 2\. Its also the last time this sad tale will be mentioned (probably). Day 4 will start a new tale.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

Tsukishima can feel the pain in his bones as it cuts through him like a knife.  It starts in his heart before catching in his throat and making his fingers go numb.  His knees start shaking and suddenly he’s a child again, watching his old best friend move away to go to the big city.

It’s like his heart has been clawed out of his chest and now appears before him in the form of Kuroo Tetsurou, who is standing meekly inside the entryway of their apartment with his hands in his pockets and a guilty smile on his face.

He looks really tired, like he didn’t sleep at all after Tsukishima had left the night before.  He still looked as good as he ever did, despite that.

He looked good and Tsukishima wants to touch him.

To grab him by his throat and shove him against the wall until his face turns purple.

To touch his face and push the hair out of his eyes and kiss him.

He wants to hug him and push him away in the same instance, but instead he does nothing.

He just stands there with his back to the door, awkwardly fumbling with the keys in his hands.

“Living room?” Kuroo offers, stepping to the side to open the pathway.  Tsukishima nods slightly and slides past Kuroo, grateful that he doesn’t try to touch him.  They sit a foot apart on the couch, both stiff and uncomfortable.

Just as Kuroo begins to speak, Tsukishima cuts him off.  “Don’t.  Just don’t say you’re sorry.  No matter how many times you say it, it won’t take away what you did.”

Tsukishima can’t look at him.  Every time he does he imagines where the other man may have touched him.  The couch shifts as Kuroo turns his body towards him and Tsukishima can feel the burn of his eyes on his skin as he squirms in his seat.

 “I know.  I know but I am sorry.  I regret every second of it.  I wish I could take it back but I can’t.  I’ve done irreparable damage to our relationship but I want to try to fix it.  If you’ll let me.”

“You say that as if we still have a relationship.”

Tsukishima hears Kuroo draw in a sharp breath and the room falls into silence.  They remain that way for a few minutes before Tsukishima draws the courage to turn towards him.  Kuroo’s body was faced towards him as he had expected, one leg underneath him and one arm flung over the back of the couch, but his head hung low so that his fringe covered his eyes.  Kuroo looked like a broken man even though he had been the one to hurt Tsukishima to begin with.

“I don’t owe you anything.” Kuroo raised his head when Tsukishima began to speak again.  “I could leave right now and never come back. Say I never want to see you again. But that wouldn’t give me the closure I needed.”

Tsukishima watched as Kuroo’s face fell, all hope of being able to salvage their relationship wiped from his face.  He could feel his breath begin to shake and tried not to let his voice crack as he continued.

“Why?  Why would you do this to me? I thought you loved me.”

“I _do_ love you.” Kuroo asserted as he scooted closer, freezing when Tsukishima pulled his hand away before he could grab it.

“Then _why_? It doesn’t make any sense to me.” Tsukishima’s voice was shaking now.  He clasped his hands together in his lap so they wouldn’t quiver as well.

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you _‘don’t know’_?”  Tsukishima could feel his voice getting louder, but he didn’t make any effort to stop it.  “How the hell do you cheat on someone and not know why you did it?  Is it me? Am I not enough? Or are you really just a pig like I expected?”

Kuroo looked like he had been slapped, and slid back a couple of inches as though he was afraid Tsukishima would actually strike at him.  “That’s probably it I guess.  I told you I wasn’t going to lie to you.  We were just studying in our room and then his hand was grabbing my crotch and he started kissing me and I didn’t stop it.  That’s it.”

“Oh yes, that’s it. Congratulations, Tetsurou, you’ve solved all of our problems.  Do you want me to move back in now, too?”  Tsukishima clapped his hands in front of Kuroo’s face for show before scoffing and turning away.

“That’s not what I meant.  I just meant, like, I didn’t plan it okay? I never wanted to hurt you.”

Tsukishima made a coughing noise before whipping back around and facing Kuroo.  “But you _did_.  I trusted you and you betrayed me.”  He rubbed a finger under his glasses, willing his eyes to not start leaking.  “I don’t know what you want me to say.  Do you want me to say it’s okay? To forgive you? You hurt me too badly for that.”

Kuroo moved closer again so that their thighs were now pressed together.  He lightly grabbed Tsukishima’s face between his hands, trying to get the younger boy to look at him.  “I know.  I know I hurt you and I don’t want or expect anything for you.  Just please, give me a chance to take care of you. I promise I will never hurt you again.”

Tsukishima allowed his head to be turned, finally letting the tears flow from his eyes.  He didn’t say anything, never giving Kuroo an outright confirmation or denial of his proposal.  He just let Kuroo pluck the glasses off of his face and set them to the side as he began placing small fluttering kisses all over his face.  Kuroo kissed his cheeks until the tears dried, then his nose and eyelids, and around his jaw and his forehead.  Kuroo placed one last kiss at the corner of his mouth before pulling away.

“Kei, I really do love you. You’re amazing.”

Tsukishima nodded and closed his eyes, letting Kuroo pull him back in for an actual kiss on the mouth.

It hurt, letting Kuroo touch him like this.  Each kiss and touch burned before it faded away into the same old coldness.  But this kiss was filled with love and passion, guilt and regret, and every single unspoken emotion that either had ever felt.  Tsukishima was conflicted, but he didn’t want to stop as Kuroo pulled him into his lap.

He could feel Kuroo’s hands running up his sides, over his shirt to his shoulders, pushing his jacket off to the floor.  Then under his shirt, Kuroo’s fingers danced over his stomach and across his chest, urging him to remove it.

When Tsukishima’s shirt hit the floor, Kuroo moved to discard his own.  Tsukishima grabbed his wrists and held them down before the hem rose above his navel. “No.  I don’t want to see…”  Tsukishima tapped at his shoulder, right where he knew the bruises would be.  Kuroo winced and nodded, resting his hands instead on Tsukishima’s hips.

Kuroo leaned up and pulled Tsukishima into another kiss, allowing the younger boy to lead the kiss as he saw fit.  Tsukishima slipped his tongue into his senior’s mouth, tasting nothing but Kuroo’s normal minty toothpaste.  At least the taste of the other man was gone.

At that thought, Tsukishima drew Kuroo’s lower lip into his mouth and bit down, feeling slightly satisfied at the sudden taste of Kuroo’s blood.  He heard Kuroo gasp and try to pull away.  Tsukishima moved his hands to wrap around Kuroo’s neck, pressing his thumbs into the dip right at the base of his throat.  He could feel Kuroo swallow, his fingers digging into Tsukishima’s hips, though he didn’t struggle against the younger boy’s hold.  Tsukishima pushed his fingers in harder, to the point he knew Kuroo wouldn’t be able to breathe before letting his hands drop, shifting back so he could look Kuroo in the face.

If it wasn’t for the tight clenching feeling in his chest, it would have seemed like yesterday hadn’t happened at all.  It was just him and Kuroo, as it always had been.  Kuroo was handling him like he always did, gently, as if Kuroo was afraid he was going to break, yet with a sense of urgency that was communicated by the increasingly frantic presses of Kuroo’s hands and mouth over his bare chest.  Kuroo never left bruises; he had mentioned on more than one occasion that he thought Tsukishima was much more attractive with unmarred skin.

Kuroo ran a hand down from Tsukishima’s neck, across his chest and stomach before coming to a stop just before the waistband of his jeans.  Kuroo waited until he saw Tsukishima nod slightly, before kissing the skin above his heart and working open the button and zipper.  He could feel Kuroo pouting against his chest after slipping his hand inside Tsukishima’s underwear and realizing that he was still soft.  Kuroo removed his hand before reaching around and grabbing the backs of Tsukishima’s thighs, lifting both of them off of the couch.

Tsukishima wrapped his arms around Kuroo’s neck so there was less of a chance he would fall.  He could hear a scraping noise as Kuroo pushed the coffee table out of the way using only his legs.  “What are you-?”

“Shhh, I’ve got you.”  Tsukishima knew it wasn’t easy to carry someone of his size.  He had always been taller than Kuroo, and he could feel the muscles in his arms and chest working to keep him in the air until Kuroo lowered himself to his knees.  Tsukishima felt himself drop a little bit before he was lowered to the carpet, his back resting in the space the coffee table normally occupied.  He closed his eyes and allowed Kuroo to continue touching him, fingers running through his hair as Kuroo kissed his neck.  Tsukishima couldn’t help but feel as though Kuroo was taking a little bit longer than usual to get to the main event, his lips mapping every bump and indention on Tsukishima’s upper body.

He was probably worried that this was going to be the last time he’d ever get to see Tsukishima like this.

Tsukishima was ashamed of himself for letting this encounter progress to this point.  He only wanted to come and pick up some of his clothes, maybe his toothbrush and a few textbooks he had left behind.  He wanted to shout and scream and let Kuroo know exactly how terrible of a person he really was.

He wanted to see Kuroo _cry_ , and yet here he was, sprawled out beneath him on their dirty carpet.

Every kiss seemed to have a little less burn behind it now.  Every touch was less and less like an electrocution and more like the sparks he normally felt when Kuroo laid his hands on him.  By the time Kuroo worked Tsukishima’s jeans and underwear off of his legs, the touches had almost begun to feel good, like they had before.

“God, you’re gorgeous.”

_No, I’m not._

Tsukishima scoffed and crossed his arms as he felt Kuroo’s eyes raking over him.  If he really thought that, they wouldn’t be in this situation, would they?

“You’re so perfect.”

_Stop lying to me._

Kuroo pressed an open-mouthed kiss right over Tsukishima’s hip while wrapping a hand around the base of his cock.  He began slowly working his hand over it, just in the way he knew would get Tsukishima writhing.  Rubbing his thumb and forefinger around the head, Kuroo began placing wet kisses up and down the sides before taking it into his mouth.  Kuroo pulled away after a few moments, continuing to work his hands in twisting motions around the shaft.

“I love you so much, Kei.”

_Stop!_

Tsukishima felt like he couldn’t breathe.  He covered his eyes and turned his face away as Kuroo continued working him over with his mouth.  Every once in a while, Kuroo would pause in his ministrations to praise him, how good he was, how beautiful he was.  With his face hidden, Tsukishima allowed a few tears to fall to the ground.

_How can all of this be lies?_

This all felt good.  The touching, the praises, everything felt good.  Being with Kuroo felt good, so how can it be fake?

“Tetsurou, I-” Tsukishima choked on his words as the familiar heat began to tighten in his lower stomach.

“It’s okay. C’mon, Kei. You’ve done so good.”

Tsukishima’s back arched off the ground as he came inside Kuroo’s waiting mouth.  He sank back down into the carpet as Kuroo kissed a trail back up to his face.

There was a peck on his hip.

“I love you.”

A breathy, open mouthed kiss in the middle of his stomach.

“God, Kei, I love you.”

Three sweet kisses in the center of his chest.

“I love you so, so much.”

Finally, a kiss that slid from the base of his neck to the corner of his jaw, where Kuroo slumped, burying his face in the crook of Tsukishima’s neck.

“I love you,” Kuroo whispered, voice cracking slightly as he nuzzled his nose into the hair curling around the back of Tsukishima’s ear.

Tsukishima wasn’t sure which of them was shaking more; he could feel Kuroo silently sobbing above him while he had begun laughing.

_How cruel.  I love him, too._

Tsukishima lifted his hands that had been fisting in the carpet to rub circles into Kuroo’s still clothed back.  He stared up at the ceiling fan, watching it turn as he wondered how long it would take for this to stop hurting.  He loved Kuroo, but Tsukishima doubted he would ever be able to truly forgive him for what he did.  He figured he didn’t have to, because forgiveness meant admitting that what he did was okay. But as each soft touch and gentle confession washed over him, it slowly began to soothe the burn.  If Kuroo truly loved him, maybe, just maybe there would be a chance that that would be enough to cancel out the hurt eventually.  He knew that they would never return to how they were before; this would always be sitting in the back of their minds like an ugly stain, but at least they could try to heal and carry on despite the scars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is the last time I'll probably mention this plot line during the challenge. So hopefully this sort-of resolution is good enough. Its perfect in my mind, but eh. Thanks for reading so far!
> 
> EDIT 8/23/14 : I realized too late that I should probably put this here. But I lied, I did continue this series. Check out Day 26 for the final conclusin~


	4. I need to want you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 4 Prompt : I need to want you.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of the first three chapters. This was written without the first 3 prompts in mind and is separate from any other prompt in the Unlove Challenge! Allow it to scar you by itself.

“I can’t do this.”

Tsukishima looked up from his desk and turned to look at his boyfriend who was standing in the doorway to their bedroom.

“Huh? What are you talking about?”  Tsukishima turned his desk chair so he was facing Kuroo.  He leaned forward as he tried to figure out what the other man was going on about.

“This.” Kuroo waved his hand in front of him, gesturing from Tsukishima to himself.  “I can’t do it anymore.  I think one of us should move out.”

Tsukishima removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes, letting out an exasperated sigh.  “You threaten to break up every week, Kuroo.”

“I’m serious.”

“Hmmm.”  Tsukishima replaced his glasses before turning back to the textbook sitting on his desk.  He heard Kuroo groan before he was swiveled around to face his boyfriend again.

“You need to listen to me for once, Tsukishima.”  Kuroo was leaning over him, hands gripping the armrests of his desk chair.  “This. Us.  We can’t continue.  And you need to get it through your thick head that I’m not joking around this time.”

Tsukishima could feel Kuroo’s hot breath on his face, so he leaned back, trying to distance himself.  “Get off of me.”

“See, this is exactly what I’m talking about!”  Kuroo straightened and ran both of his hands through his already messy hair.  “You are so frustrating.  I’m tired of dealing with you.  This isn’t working.”

Tsukishima lifted himself out of his desk chair and walked over to his boyfriend who was now hurriedly shoving clothes into an old gym bag.  He set a hand on Kuroo’s shoulder and the older male flinched, pausing his packing before he resumed at a quicker pace.

“What are you doing?”

“You really are an idiot for someone that looks so smart,” Kuroo sneered as he shoved a t-shirt into the side pocket of the bag.  “I’m leaving. What does it look like, genius?”

Kuroo shrugged Tsukishima’s hand off his shoulder before stepping around him and grabbing his phone charger out of the wall.  Tsukishima watched him as he collected his various items from around the room and stuffed them into the rapidly filling bag.

“Why are you leaving?”

Kuroo groaned and leaned over, slapping his hands against the wall.  “I just told you.  We’re not working out.”

“I thought we were working out.”

Kuroo crossed his arms as he turned around to face Tsukishima.  “Then you obviously haven’t been paying attention the past few weeks.”

“I guess not.”

They stared at each other in silence for a few minutes.  Tsukishima frowned and crossed his arms as well, still confused as to what had set these events into motion.

“I don’t understand, Kuroo.” Tsukishima took a few steps forward but stopped when he saw Kuroo shirking away.  “What exactly did I do?”

Kuroo shrugged and turned away, returning to filling his bag with things from the desk drawers. “It’s just everything I guess.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, man. _Everything_.” Kuroo stops packing again, hands balling into fists against the tabletop. “The way you look down on everyone. _On me_. You always talk like you know everything, but you’re just a brat. The way you have to control everything around you. God, even the way you clean the kitchen is annoying.  You’re just so fucking infuriating that I can’t stand to be around you anymore.”

Tsukishima drew in a breath through clenched teeth.  “Then why didn’t you leave before now?”

“I don’t know.  Something to do with the rent or whatever.  The lease is almost up now, though.  I’ll pay my part of the last month, but I can’t stay here.”  Kuroo zipped up the bag with an air of finality and stood up, still facing away from Tsukishima.  “I’ll have some friends come and help me get the rest of my stuff this weekend, or something.  Maybe you should go out with Yamaguchi that day.”

Kuroo slung the bag over his shoulder and started making his way towards the exit when Tsukishima stepped in front of him, preventing him from leaving the room.  “No.  You can’t just do that.  You should’ve said something before now.”

“Yeah? Maybe I should have.  Maybe it would’ve been different if I did, but it doesn’t matter now.”  Kuroo tries to push his way past, but Tsukishima stops him by grabbing both of his shoulders.

“Stop.  We’re not done talking yet.”

“Fine. Talk away then.”

Tsukishima sighs and releases his hold, fisting his hands at his sides instead.  “How long?”

“About three or four months, I guess.”

Tsukishima grimaced and clicked his tongue behind his teeth. “Seriously? That’s almost half of the time we’ve lived together.”

“I know.” Kuroo shifted the bag on his shoulder and stretched his arms over his head.  “Guess your bad habits got to me pretty fast, huh?”

“Should’ve said something,” Tsukishima mumbled as he turned his gaze to the floor.  He noticed Kuroo was already wearing shoes.  He must’ve planned to be the one to leave since the beginning of their conversation.

“No point in talking about it now.”  Kuroo shifted his bag on his shoulder again.  “Are you almost done? This is getting heavy.”

“I just don’t get it.”  Tsukishima felt a hand on his shoulder and raised his face to look Kuroo in the eye.

“Look, I’m not trying to hurt you. But you need to hear this.  I don’t want to be the douchebag that says ‘it’s me, not you’, but it’s kinda like that.”  Kuroo sighed and let his hand drop to clutch the shoulder strap of his bag.  “I haven’t felt like I’ve been getting what I need out of this for a long time.  And whether it’s you not giving me what I need or me not being satisfied with what you can give me doesn’t matter.  It’s just, I need to want you.  And I don’t.”

At that, Kuroo pushed past Tsukishima, stomping down the hallway and leaving with the door slamming behind him.  Kuroo hadn’t given him the opportunity to respond, but Tsukishima wasn’t sure if he would even know what to say if given the chance.

It was pretty simple if you got right down to it.

You can’t have a relationship if both parties didn’t want each other, and no matter how desperately Tsukishima wanted Kuroo, if Kuroo didn’t want him there really was no point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had difficulty with this prompt, because I wasn't sure what "I need to want you" meant, so I just rolled with it. Its a little bit shorter than the others but, eh. Despite the troubles, I still like what I came up with~.
> 
> And again, this is a separate day that doesn't tie into the first 3. The first three prompts just went together, so that's why they made a mini fic. But from here on out, all the prompts should be one shot type things.... So please enjoy today apart from yesterday!


	5. You can be like me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 5 Prompt : You can be like me.
> 
> This is not a continuation of previous chapters.

Somehow, they had ended up hanging out on Saturday night in some musty old dive bar three blocks from the bad part of town.  The minutes were ticking by as the clock slipped past midnight, and they were both pretty buzzed at this point.

Well, Kuroo was buzzed, even though he wished he were drunk as he watched Tsukishima sidle up to a pretty little brunette and offer to buy her another drink.  She giggled, he smiled, and that’s how Kuroo knew his young companion was drunk.

See, Kuroo was starting to notice things about his former protégé on their various weekend outings that they often couldn’t remember.  One was that while Tsukishima was usually fully in control of himself when he had had one too many, the alcohol made him confident and aware of himself in a way that was just not characteristic of the younger male when he was sober.

He saw Tsukishima lean in and whisper something in the girl’s ear, slinging an arm around the back of her chair.  Kuroo thought he heard one of his own cheesy pickup lines thrown her way (“do you have a sunburn? Or are you always this hot?”). The girl flushed and playfully shoved a hand against his chest, giggling behind her hand.  Kuroo frowned when she pulled a piece of paper out of her purse and wrote something down before handing it to Tsukishima.  When she and her friend got up and left, Tsukishima made his way back over to Kuroo who was standing at the bar.

“Dude, you can barely walk,” Kuroo observed as Tsuki stumbled the last few steps before slapping a hand down on the bar.  Kuroo waved the bartender away and grabbed Tsukishima’s shoulder, guiding him towards the exit.

“Let go of me. I’m fine.” Well he wasn’t slurring his words yet at least.

“Yeah, yeah.  Just shut up and come on, you said you have stuff to do tomorrow.  Can’t have you drinking yourself under the table like you did last time.”  Kuroo knew Tsukishima didn’t actually have anything major to do, but that was just another thing he noticed from spending time with him.  Tsukishima was extremely gullible when he was intoxicated.

“Oh yeah. Forgot.” Tsukishima let himself be led away from the bar and down a side street before he spoke up again.  “Where are we going?”

“My place.  Don’t remember where you live and can’t in good conscious leave you on the side of the road.”  Kuroo winked and looped an arm over his companion’s shoulders.  It was a little difficult (and a little disorienting with the alcohol muddling his brain) to pull the taller male down to his height and ruffle his hair.  “Don’t worry, I won’t take advantage of you.”

“Oh really? That’s a shame.”  Kuroo stopped when he felt Tsukishima’s arm snake around his waist, a hand sliding into his back pocket and groping his ass.  Tsuki’s breath was hot on his cheek as he whispered, “Can’t say the same thing about you.”

And just as suddenly as it had happened, Tsukishima let him go, nearly walking out in front of a car as he continued forward.  Kuroo grabbed the back of his shirt in enough time to stop him, and continued to lead the rest of the way to his apartment with Tsukishima’s sleeve in his hand.

That was something new.  Kuroo was used to Tsukishima’s brash confidence after he had knocked back a few drinks, but this boldness was something different entirely. Usually, it was the other way around.  Kuroo would grab a handful of the taller boy’s booty or drop dirty suggestions in his ear just to see how riled up he would get, but those actions had never been reciprocated. It was almost as if a drunk Tsukishima was emulating a sober Kuroo.

Kuroo smirked as he slid his key into the front door of his apartment.  Maybe he had become a bad influence on the younger boy if he was starting to replicate some of his actions.

Kuroo never had the opportunity to ponder this thought as he was pushed up against the wall just inside his apartment’s entryway.  Tsukishima kicked the door closed behind them and pressed himself into Kuroo, drawing the older man into a sloppy, open mouthed kiss.  He grabbed Kuroo’s ass with both hands, rolling their hips together as he licked his way from Kuroo’s mouth to the top of his shoulder.  Kuroo gasped as he felt teeth sink into his skin, throwing his arms around Tsukishima’s neck and pulling him closer.

“What happened to that girl you were hitting up?” Kuroo laughed as Tsukishima forced a hand down the back of his tight jeans, squeezing his bare ass with cold hands.

“Wanna have sex now.  Not after five or six dates.”  To emphasize his point, Tsukishima rubbed his thigh against Kuroo’s crotch, grinding into him a few times before returning to work his mouth over the side of his neck.

“You are so drunk.”

“ ‘m not drunk.” Okay, NOW he was slurring his words.  Kuroo reached around and pulled Tsukishima’s hand out of the back of his pants before pushing him away.  Tsukishima frowned (no, was he actually pouting?), and moved forward again but was stopped by a hand in the center of his chest.

“Bed?” Kuroo offered, sliding the hand down to palm against the front of Tsukishima’s pants.  The blonde nodded and started to walk away before turning back around and looking at Kuroo with a questioning look on his face.

Kuroo waved him off and said, “Don’t worry, kid.  I’ll be there in a second,” even though he had no intention of actually having sex with Tsukishima.  Well, at least not while he was drunk off his ass.  But the thought seemed to placate Tsukishima enough to have him shuffle down the hallway and into Kuroo’s bedroom.  He snickered a little when he heard the drunk trip over something (was it his waste basket? A discarded t-shirt? Who cares as long as there isn’t any blood to clean up) and walked to the kitchen to get them both a glass of water.

When he arrived at his bedroom, he noticed that Tsukishima had already passed out cold on his bed.  He had removed his shirt and was laying facedown with his nose squished against Kuroo’s pillow.  Kuroo flipped the switch on his bedside lamp after setting the water down, reaching to Tsukishima’s feet to remove his shoes before flipping him over so he wouldn’t suffocate.

“Idiot,” Kuroo mumbled under his breath.  Tsukishima hadn’t even managed to take his glasses off before blacking out.  They sat slightly askew and pressed into his face, so Kuroo graciously removed them as well, setting them down next to the water.

Kuroo kicked off his own shoes and pants, and in only his t-shirt and boxers, crawled over the comatose Tsukishima to get to the unoccupied spot on his bed.  He considered kicking him to the floor, but decided against it when Tsukishima rolled over and grabbed him, pulling Kuroo close to his chest in his sleep.

Kuroo quickly gave up trying to fight Tsukishima off, wondering when the younger man had gotten stronger than him.  Kuroo settled for letting the other tuck his head under his chin while wrapping his arms around Tsukishima’s torso.  He groaned inwardly when he felt one of Tsukishima’s hands grasp his ass again and looked up to see his young bedmate smirking in his sleep.

Now this was _really_ like Kuroo.  He had been told on more than one occasion that he was a sleep cuddler and on a few occasions, a sleep fondler.  Before this point, he would never have described Tsukishima and himself in the same sentence, but seeing Tsukishima drunk like this made him wonder if he should stop hanging around him so much.  Tsukishima was normally so reserved, and despite being a bit bratty and obnoxious, he never really appeared to have some of the personality traits that defined Kuroo.  Kuroo was overwhelmingly confident, bold, and self-assured, and none of the things anyone would ever associate with Tsukishima.  Kuroo decided that should definitely stop taking Tsuki to bars; it was the only way he could really protect the poor boy’s soul.

“Well, well, well,” Kuroo thought as he finally got comfortable enough to begin drifting off to sleep.  “I guess you can be like me after all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drunk boys are some of the best boys when they are big losers.  
> A bit of a respite from some of the angsty sad stuff, eh? I couldn't do so much sad 5 days in a row, so hopefully this will ease some people's hearts.


	6. I want to need you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 6 prompt : I want to need you.
> 
> This is not a continuation of the previous chapters.

It’s dark. So dark except for the yellow light from the streetlamps leaking in through the crack in the curtain.  After midnight, Tsukishima lays in bed, staring up at the shadows moving around on the ceiling.  He can’t sleep despite the fact that he had had a full day filled with volleyball practice and then a date with Kuroo in some town an hour over.  He never understood why it was that you could never sleep when your whole body was so tired that it felt like you would cave in on yourself.

_“I don’t understand why you’re always pushing me away.”_

Oh yeah. He couldn’t get _that_ out of his head.  Kuroo had tried to throw his arm around his waist while they were walking back towards the train station, and Tsukishima had literally and physically pushed him away.  Of course, from the way Kuroo had said it, he probably meant something more along the lines of pushing him away emotionally or some bullshit like that.  He probably should pay more attention to Kuroo, or at least be a bit more affectionate, seeing as they had been dating for almost two months.  But that’s how he was, always pushing people away, never allowing anyone close enough to hurt him.

Tsukishima had always been like that.  He could count on one hand the number of people he actually considered friends.  Well actually, it was more like one finger if you didn’t count Kuroo himself.  Yamaguchi was still the only person who was actually willing to put up with Tsukishima for an extended period of time.  But Yamaguchi was different than him.  He had an easy going personality and found it easy to interact with other people, even if he was incessantly teased by a select group of assholes that always dispersed as soon as Tsukishima walked into the room.  But even though Tsukishima had such a few number of close friends, he never questioned why he always distanced himself from people who try to befriend him until now.

What was it about him that made him so off-putting?  Well, his height and perpetual resting bitch face was probably two of the reasons.  He’d also been told that he had a very cold aura when he got angry, so maybe it was that. And of course, there was his relentless habit of intentionally ticking off every person he had ever met. But none of that really warranted Kuroo saying that he was pushing him away.

First off, Kuroo knew he didn’t like public displays of affection.  Tsukishima often told him he was lucky if he even got an awkward side-hug when they were saying goodbye.  So he didn’t think Kuroo would get that upset by him shrugging off his arm in the middle of a busy street.

Secondly, Kuroo picked at him just as much, if not more, than Tsukishima.  That was the beauty of their relationship, seeing who would crack first in an unending battle of who could be the most irritating.  Kuroo would get to close to him and lick his cheek.  Tsukishima would pretend he didn’t hear him after Kuroo had been talking for 10 minutes straight.  Kuroo would goose him while they walked down the street and Tsukishima would retaliate by pinching him a little bit too hard under the ribs.  Tsukishima was well aware of the fact that he had lost most of their annoying little wars by breaking down and shouting at Kuroo to stop, usually drawing the attention of everyone in a ten meter radius in the process.  There was absolutely no way that he could have done something today that irritated Kuroo so badly.

If it wasn’t either of those things, then what was it?  Tsukishima knew he didn’t have a good track record of interacting with other people.  It was almost like he just didn’t know how.  Maybe he had been pushing other people away for all this time and just didn’t realize it.  Maybe he had been pushing Kuroo away without meaning to.

Tsukishima rolled over and grabbed his phone off of his nightstand.  It was just after 1:30 am, but he paid the time no mind as he dialed Kuroo’s number.  It rang three times before the line connected, but he was met with only the sound of blankets rustling, Kuroo cursing (did he actually just drop his phone on the floor?), and then a loud thumping noise before the line went dead.  Tsukishima sighed and waited for Kuroo to call him back, picking up on the first ring.

“Are you okay?” Tsukishima desperately tried not to snicker too hard, picturing his boyfriend tangled up in his blankets trying to wake up.

“Huh? Yeah, just fell out of bed. You know, the usual.”  Kuroo’s voice was still thick with sleep and he yawned loudly before he continued.  “What’s up? Is something wrong?”

“No, I just couldn’t sleep.”

“Hmmmm.”

“Sorry for waking you up.”

“ ‘s okay, Tsuki.”

“I can hang up.”

“No, it’s okay.  Like listening to you.”  Kuroo yawned again and Tsukishima could hear blankets shuffling again before Kuroo settled back down.  “Sure nothings up?”

“Sorry for pushing you off today.”

“Huh.” Kuroo paused for a few seconds. “What are you talking about?”

“You got mad at me for pushing your arm away.”  Tsukishima sighed when he heard Kuroo make a disgruntled noise. “You know, when we were walking back.”

“Oh yeah.” Kuroo coughed a few times, clearing the sleep out of his throat. “Wasn’t mad about that.  Know you don’t like to be touched.”

Tsukishima turned onto his side with his phone pressed between his ear and his pillow.  “Will you tell me why you were mad then?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, okay. Hold on.”  Tsukishima heard the older boy groan and his bedsprings squeak.  “Shit, my back hurts.  Wish you were here to give me a backrub, if you know what I mean.”

Tsukishima let Kuroo laugh at his own shitty joke before responding.  “What did you mean when you said that I was pushing you away?”

“I guess, like, I don’t know. Why does it matter?”

“I want to know.”

“Okay.”  Tsukishima heard Kuroo shift again, probably moving to sit up straight in bed.  “You just do that. Push me away, I mean.  You just say things and do things sometimes that makes it seem like you don’t really care if I’m around.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What’s this?  The great stoic Tsukishima Kei is actually apologizing for something?” The line crackles a bit as Kuroo starts to laugh.

“Be quite. You’ll wake your parents up.”  Tsukishima picks his phone up and rolls onto his other side.  “But I am, I guess.  I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.”

“Yeah, I figured you didn’t know what you were doing.  You’re not very good with people.”  Kuroo snorts a bit before his voice turns somber.  “It just sort of hurts, you know?  Like what’s the point in making time to come see you if you don’t really care if I’m there or not?  Because that’s what it seems like.”

“I do care!” Tsukishima spits out a bit too loudly.  He listens to see if he woke his parents before returning to the conversation.  “I do care.  I just don’t know how to show it most of the time.”

“You just gotta say it sometimes, Tsuki.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes even though Kuroo couldn’t see him.  “Say what, Kuroo?”

“Stop being a brat.  Say you need me.”

“I need you.”

There was a loud flopping noise as Kuroo groaned.  “Not like _that_. Make it believable, or you’ll hurt my poor old heart.”

“Ugh, fine.” Tsukishima inhaled loudly before sitting up in bed and resting his elbows on his knees.  “Kuroo.”

“Yes~?”

“I need you.  I need you more than I probably realize right now.  But, I….” Tsukishima let his voice drawl off before letting out a groan. “This is so embarrassing.”

“It’s okay, babe. You’re doing fine. Keep going.”

“Fine.”  Tsukishima could feel his face heating up.  He’d probably not be able to say all of this if Kuroo was actually sitting in front of him right now.  “It’s just, you are really important to me.  You’re one of the few people who actually cares about how I’m doing.  I usually think that I have to do everything on my own, that I can’t get help from others, and that’s probably why you feel like I’ve been pushing you away.  But I need you.  I _want_ to need you.  You make me feel good about myself, and I don’t know what I’d do if you suddenly weren’t there to do that.  I’m sorry I haven’t been making you feel the same way.”

Tsukishima inhaled sharply, trying to catch his breath after saying all of that without a pause.  He waited for Kuroo to respond but when he received no answer he said “I’m hanging up now.”

Kuroo was back on the line in an instant. “Wait, no!  I was just thinking for a minute, Tsuki.  Had me tearing up over here.”

Tsukishima made a choking noise.  “Stop making fun of me.”

“I’m not making fun of you, I swear.  I was just….surprised? Yeah, surprised that all of that came out of your mouth.  Hell, I wasn’t sure if you actually liked me up until now.  I always thought you were just in it for my body~.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“But I’m _your_ idiot, Tsuki!”

“Hanging. Up.”

He heard Kuroo laugh again.  “Yeah, yeah. Goodnight, babe. And thank you.”

“For what?”

“For all that.  Make sure you say that to me once a week from now on and I won’t feel so lonely anymore.”

“Whatever.  Goodnight.”

“Nighty, night~.”

Tsukishima waited until the line cut off before turning his phone off and setting it back beside his bed.  He rolled back under the covers and closed his eyes, waiting to finally fall asleep.

He fell asleep slyly smiling to himself at the thought that Kuroo might need him just as much as Tsukishima needed Kuroo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a touch of sadness today. Touch.


	7. Prove it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 7 Prompt : Prove it.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of the previous chapters.

Dealing with Tsukishima had always been a monumental challenge.  From getting Tsuki involved in training camp to asking the idiot boy out, every single interaction between he and Kuroo ended with Tsuki rolling his eyes and walking away.  Kuroo couldn’t fathom why his brain had decided to find the younger middle blocker cute or why Kuroo always wanted to be around him despite his perpetual sour attitude, but the fact of the matter is that Kuroo likes him.  He’s always liked him, ever since the very first training camp with Karasuno.

He remembered thinking what a brat Tsuki was.  A very tall, very good looking brat.  Well, good looking enough considering the fact that Tsukishima tended to always look like he had just eaten a lemon.  But despite that, Kuroo noticed the raw potential that the other boy possessed.  He was tall and lanky, but he needed to put on a little bit of muscle just about everywhere to even it all out.  His general technique when it came to volleyball was all there, yet he lacked the finesse and drive of a more well-rounded player.  Kuroo had a base desire to take Tsukishima under his wing and teach him, but decided against it at first since he was a member of a rival team.  He tried to convince himself that it was just volleyball.  That was the only reason he was interested in the blonde.

Kuroo realized how wrong that was when Karasuno came to the next training camp in Tokyo.  He was still a little snot-nose with little to no desire to be there at all, yet Kuroo found himself wanting to be near the younger player.  He’d try to lure him into practicing with him and Bokuto, sit next to him at meals, and typically provide no means of escape when he finally captured Tsukishima in his traps.  Tsuki would get flustered and complain about this, that, or the other, and finally Kuroo would let him go before Tsukishima’s head exploded.

It was fun teasing him.  It was fun picking at him and riling him up and seeing his composure crack.  So, Kuroo thought, wouldn’t it be fun to see him outside of these exciting little training camps?

It took the entire week and near constant bullying of Tsukishima’s freckled friend to get his phone number.  Kuroo knew that no matter what he did, he’d never be able to get the number out of Tsukishima himself, so he resorted to childish scare tactics to convince the skittish boy to cough it up.  Kuroo texted him for the first time two days after Tsukishima and the rest of Karasuno had returned to their own school.

_Kuroo : hey hey hey glasses-kun~ (_ _◡‿◕)_

Tsukishima was a surprisingly fast texter, Kuroo discovered.  It only took a few minutes before he received a response.

_Tsuki_ _♥ : who is this?_

_Kuroo : it’s Me, TsukiTsuki! Nekoma’s fantastic captain!_

_Kuroo : Don’t tell me you’ve fogetten me already! (_ _╯_ _︵_ _╰,)_

Kuroo laughed when Tsukishima responded next.

_Tsuki_ _♥_ _: no._

_Tsuki_ _♥_ _: how the hell did you get my number?_

_Kuroo : from freckles!_

_Kuroo : he’s so nice you should definitely be nicer to him_ _(_ _ಠ_ _◡_ _ಠ_ _)_

_Tsuki_ _♥_ _: leave me alone_

_Kuroo : hey Tsuki!_

_Tsuki_ _♥_ _: what?_

_Kuroo : Did you ever realize screw rhymes with me and you? ʕ_ _っ˘_ _ڡ_ _˘ς_ _ʔ_

Tsukishima didn’t respond after that one.  Kuroo laughed again and set his phone down on his desk.  This was going to be _fun._

For the next week, Kuroo sent a text to Tsuki every day trying to get some sort of response.

_Kuroo : Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?_ _≖_ _‿≖_

_Kuroo : If I had to rate you from 1-10, I would rate you as a 9 because I am the 1 that you are missing~_ _ᕙ_ _(_ _⇀_ _‸↼‶_ _)_ _ᕗ_

_Kuroo : I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way. (_ _∪_ _◡_ _∪_ _)_

_Kuroo : I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south if you know what I mean (_ _◕‿_ _-)_

_Kuroo : If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don't worry I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas._ _∩(_ _︶_ _▽_ _︶_ _)∩_

_Kuroo : Hey my friend Kenma wants to know if you think I’m cute._ _╮_ _(_ _─_ _▽_ _─_ _)_ _╭_

_Kuroo : Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material. (¬_ _‿_ _¬_ _)_

_Tsuki_ _♥_ _: what do you want?_

_Kuroo : TSUKI!_

_Kuroo : Let’s go on a date!_

_Tsuki_ _♥_ _: what the hell is wrong with you?_

_Kuroo : uwu Tsuki’s so mean~_

_Kuroo : come on, lets go see a movie next weekend._

_Kuroo : I’ll pay!_

_Tsuki_ _♥_ _: you won’t let this go will you_

_Kuroo : ahahaha NOPE_

_Tsuki_ _♥_ _: fine. but I’m not going all the way to Tokyo_

Wait, what?  Did Tsukishima actually just agree to go out with him?

_Tsuki_ _♥_ _: but this is NOT a date.  I just don’t have anything to do next weekend._

_Kuroo : yay! I’ve got a date with Tsuki!_

_Tsuki_ _♥_ _: NOT A DATE._

_Kuroo : yeah yeah fine don’t get your panties in a bunch_

_Kuroo : I’ll call you Friday night, mkay? lets go out on Saturday_

_Tsuki_ _♥_ _: fine._

Kuroo was ecstatic.  He really hadn’t been expecting Tsukishima to so readily accept his offer.  He had been planning on continuing to pester the other boy for as long as it was necessary.  And he accepted on his first offer? Crazy.

Kuroo was practically buzzing by the time he stepped off the train in Miyagi.   Even though Tsukishima had said it wasn’t a date (it was so a date), Kuroo had dressed to impress in the tightest pair of dark black jeans that he owned.  He felt they cupped his ass nicely and showed his legs off in a way he knew Tsukishima had never seen before. And so far Tsukishima had only seen him in his volleyball shorts so that was saying something.  Kuroo was feeling so good that he basically strutted all the way to the movie theatre he agreed to meet Tsukishima at.  He saw the tall blonde standing outside and began waving frantically to get his attention.

“Hey hey, Tsuki!”  He was still a pretty good distance away but Kuroo knew Tsukishima was rolling his eyes.  He picked up his pace, almost jogging the remaining few meters between the two of them.  He reached up to pull Tsukishima into a hug, but the younger boy immediately pushed him away.

“Not a date,” he reminded as he straightened his glasses which had been knocked askew by Kuroo’s surprise attack.

“Fine, fine, whatever you say.”  Kuroo grabbed Tsukishima by the elbow and led him over to the ticket window.  “You know, most of the time people pay for their own ticket if they aren’t on a date.”

Tsukishima blanched and shook Kuroo’s hand off.  “You _offered_ to pay.”

“Calm down, dude. I was just joking. Look, I’ll even pay for dinner afterwards, okay?”

“No.”

“You are such a killjoy.  Come on.”  Kuroo stepped to the front of the line and paid for their tickets.  They were going to see some horror movie.  It was such a stereotypical first date movie, Kuroo could almost cry.  When he said so, Tsukishima stomped his foot down and nearly shouted “NOT A DATE.”

Kuroo tried not to laugh at the adorable, pissy, little display Tsukishima had just put on. He was too cute.  “It’s okay, I won’t tell if you don’t. Let’s go sit down.”

Tsukishima was too easy.  It was so simple for Kuroo to get under his skin and rustles his feathers.  That’s why, when they sat down in the very back row of the theatre Kuroo made every effort he could to get Tsukishima to crack.

“What are you doing?” Tsukishima asked when Kuroo’s hand covered his on the armrest.

“Nothing, nothing~.”

Tsukishima made a little coughing noise in the back of his throat.  “I’m not going to let you win, you know. I know what you’re doing.”

Kuroo smirked and leaned closer, putting his face right near Tsuki’s. “Oh?”

Tsukishima just rolled his eyes and turned away.  When the lights dimmed and the previews started rolling, Kuroo was surprised to feel Tsukishima move his hand move to sit on top of his.

“Oh ho what’s this Tsuki?”

He was met with only a loud shushing noise from the people sitting in front of them.  After a few seconds, Kuroo felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

_Tsuki_ _♥_ _: I told you you’re not going to win._

Kuroo snickered and clicked his phone off, slipping it back in his pocket as he shifted their arms to more comfortably sit side by side.  He felt Tsukishima jolt when he laced their fingers together.  He gave Tsuki’s hand a tight squeeze before looking over at him with a smirk.  Even in the dark, he could see the poor boy was red up to his ears.  Kuroo rubbed his thumb along the side of his hand reassuringly before turning back to the screen as the movie began to roll.

It was boring. So stupid, with a dumb concept, bad acting and shitty special effects.   Kuroo almost regretted spending that much money on a, at best, 2 star movie.  The only good thing about it was getting to feel Tsuki jump every time something popped out from behind a tree or in a mirror.  He was _too cute_.

“You okay?” Kuroo asked as they walked out of the theatre into the afternoon sun.

Tsukishima squinched his eyes up a little bit as his eyes readjusted from the dark.  “Fine.”

Kuroo gave his hand a squeeze when he realized Tsukishima hadn’t let go of it yet.  “Sure you don’t want to get something to eat?  I don’t want to have to go the whole way back to Tokyo on an empty stomach.”

“Yeah, I know a place.” Tsukishima started to pull him down the street, weaving in and out of the crowd.  “You’re still paying though.”

Kuroo laughed and let Tsukishima pull him along.  They arrived at a small restaurant a few minutes later.  It was a quaint, hole in the wall kind of place.  Perfect for a date.

“It’s not a date.” Tsukishima told the hostess when she made a comment on what a cute couple he and Kuroo made.  He immediately dropped Kuroo’s hand and tucked his own under his armpits, letting Kuroo talk to the woman as she led them to a table.  When she left them to look over their menus, the two sat in silence until a waiter came by with their drinks.

Kuroo waited until Tsukishima had already sucked some of his cola up into his straw before speaking again.  “You know, I really like you, Tsuki.”

Tsukishima coughed, splattering the table with some of the soda.  He quickly wiped it up with a napkin.  “Stop being stupid.”

“Hey, I’m totally serious one hundred percent of the time.”  Tsukishima raised an eyebrow at him and took another sip of his drink.  “I’m serious. I. Like. You.” Kuroo reached over and flicked Tsukishima on the nose for emphasis.

Tsuki slapped the hand out of his face. “How do I know you’re not messing with me?”

“Why would I mess with you?  That’s not very nice.”  Kuroo knew his standard smirk wasn’t doing him any favors in the ‘sincerity’ category, but watching Tsukishima get hot under the collar was more than he could handle with a stoic face.

“I don’t know.  But I won’t believe you until you prove it.”

“If I prove it, will you go on another not date with me?”

Tsukishima crossed his arms in front of him and groaned loudly enough to disturb the people at the table behind him.  “Yeah, I guess.”

“Hmmmm, I have to make it good then, huh?” Kuroo leaned back in his chair and tapped a finger against his chin.  He stared at Tsukishima until the boy started squirming in his seat.  “Seriously, cool your jets, big guy.  I’m not going to do anything bad. Let’s just talk.  Like, what else do you do besides frown all the time and go to school?”

Tsukishima answered him and Kuroo smiled.  He liked listening to Tsukishima talk.  The boy never really got passionate about anything, but as he listened to him speak about his favorite bands and what he thought about that one drama show that came on Tuesday nights, Kuroo started to see a little spark that he wished Tsukishima had in other parts of his life.  Kuroo watched Tsukishima’s mouth move as he talked, realizing the blonde had a surprisingly nice set of lips.

They spent the rest of their dinner talking about everything from music and sports to what they thought was the greatest concern towards their environment right now.  Tsukishima had rolled his eyes when Kuroo asked him that question but answered it nonetheless. Kuroo paid for their food as promised, and they left the diner.

“Do you need me to walk with you to the train station?” Tsukishima asked, hands stuffed away in his pockets.

“Yes, please!”  Kuroo gave him puppy eyes and Tsukishima scoffed.  “Pleeeeeease, Tsuki.  I don’t want to get lost.”

“How could you get lost? It’s right down the road.” Kuroo shrugged, but was content as Tsukishima led him back past the movie theatre and to the station.

After purchasing a ticket back home, Kuroo walked back over to where Tsukishima was waiting for him.  “Stay with me until my train comes, Tsuki?”

Tsukishima nodded and crossed his arms in front of him again.  He let out a loud sigh through his teeth.  “Still don’t believe you.”

“Huh? Oh yeah. Don’t worry, you will. Just waiting for the right moment.”  Kuroo rocked back on his heels and began to hum a tune as they waited for his train to arrive.  When he heard it coming down the tracks, he turned to face Tsukishima.  “Hey, hold this for a second will you?”

Kuroo handed Tsukishima his phone.  He looked at Kuroo with a questioning look, but let his arms drop down to his side with the phone in his grasp.  As soon as his arms dropped, Kuroo leapt into the opening.  He grabbed Tsukishima’s face in both hands, pulling it close to his own as he placed a sweet kiss on Tsuki’s surprised mouth.  He felt the other boy start to pull away, before pressing forward into the kiss.  Kuroo’s lips curled up into the smile as Tsukishima kissed him back, the younger’s hands finding their way to rest at Kuroo’s sides.  They stayed that way, kissing in the fading sunlight, until Kuroo heard the last call for his train. He released Tsukishima’s mouth before placing a wet smooch on his cheek.  He grabbed his phone from Tsukishima’s hand, turning and running to the nearest train door.

Kuroo hops in and turns around, shouting at Tsukishima as the doors slid closed in front of him.  “I hope you believe me now!”

Kuroo thinks he saw Tsukishima nod in stunned silence before he takes his seat, the train already moving in a swift path back to Tokyo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No sad, only fluff. I really enjoyed writing this one alot. Kuroo teasing Tsuki gives me so much life.


	8. I'm cruel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 8 Prompt: I'm cruel.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.
> 
> I also feel like I should put some sort of warning, so warning of rough sex, I guess.

Tsukishima was bent forward over the bed, precariously balancing on his knees as Kuroo rammed into him from behind.  Their clothes were long forgotten, scattered from the front door to Kuroo’s bedroom.  It was hot and sticky; the open window did nothing when it only let in the warm summer night air.  The only light in the room came from Kuroo’s laptop; he had forgotten to turn it off when he initially went to go meet Tsukishima.  The only sound was the wet slapping of skin against skin coupled with the choked noises Tsukishima was making.

Kuroo grabbed Tsukishima’s wrists, pulling them behind his back and removing half of his support.  Kuroo smirked as he saw the muscles all over Tsukishima’s back working to keep him upright, or at least to keep him from face-planting into the mattress.  Kuroo grabbed both of Tsukishima’s wrists in one hand, reaching around the younger man’s body to wrap his hand around his throat.  He pulled Tsukishima backwards by his neck until he was bowed into a perfect arch, all without slowing the relentless pace he had set.  When it seemed like Tsukishima’s back would snap if he pulled him back any farther, Kuroo pulled him back a little bit more before setting his teeth deep into his shoulder.

Tsukishima let out a whining noise, breath coming in painful sounding pants.  “Tetsurou…stop that.”

“Shut up.”  Kuroo let go of Tsukishima’s throat, letting his upper body drop to the bed.  “Do you really want me to stop?” Kuroo watched as the back of Tsukishima’s head quickly shook back and forth.  “Good.  That means I can do this.”

Kuroo raised the hand that hand been grasping Tsukishima’s throat and swiftly slapped it down against Tsukishima’s ass.  He frowned when all he could hear was a muffled cry as Tsukishima buried his face in the covers.  “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you.  Mind speaking up?” Kuroo cracked his hand down again, and this time, Tsukishima lifted his head enough so Kuroo could hear him scream.  Kuroo massaged his hand over the reddening cheek, soothing the skin, before lifting his hand and bringing it down again.  Tsukishima’s voice cracked and his body tensed before he flopped back down again.  He tried to bury his face in the comforter again, but Kuroo wasn’t having that.

“Uh, uh, uh.  You were doing so good, babe. You know I like to hear you.”  Kuroo reached up and grabbed Tsukishima’s hair, lifting his head and shoulders away from the sheets.  “That’s better.  You doing good?”

Tsukishima tried to nod his head, but was restricted by the hand in his hair. “Y-y-yes. ‘s good.”

Kuroo tightened his grip on Tsukishima’s hair and wrists.  “Oh, I’m sorry, I think you’re forgetting something. Try again.”

“Yes, Kuroo-san!” Tsukishima whined as Kuroo licked a stripe between his shoulder blades.  “It feels really good!”

Kuroo smirked as Tsukishima’s voiced faded into incoherent babbling.  He could tell that Tsukishima was getting close by the way he started tensing up around him.  Kuroo released the boy’s hands, letting them fall limply onto the bed as he reached around and grabbed the base of Tsukishima’s cock.  “Make sure you don’t come before I tell you to, Kei.”

After Tsukishima makes a noncommittal sound that sounds close enough to a confirmation to Kuroo, he finally removes his hand from the boy’s hair, instead moving it down to the back of his neck.  Tsukishima raises his arms to circle around his head as his face is smushed into the mattress while Kuroo continues to pound into him.  Kuroo slowly begins to move his hand up and down over Tsukishima’s cock, squeezing lightly at the base on each descent.

Tsukishima’s breathing gets heavier as he pushes back onto Kuroo’s dick.  His hips start shaking and he wiggles his neck so that his nose is no longer being crushed.  “Kuroo-san, I’m - ”

“Not yet.”  Kuroo tightened his grip around Tsukishima’s cock to ward off the younger boy’s orgasm.  He heard Tsukishima sob as he dropped his head back into his arms.  “Tell me what you want.”

“P-please…” Tsukishima’s voice was muffled again, but Kuroo didn’t feel like reprimanding him for it this time.

“Please, what, Tsuki?”

Tsukishima groaned and shouted into the sheets. “Please let me come!”

“Okay okay I suppose you can.” Kuroo removed both of his hands from where they were resting and placed them on Tsukishima’s hips.  Tsukishima moaned at the loss of contact, but still continued to push back against Kuroo.  “I want to see you do it with nothing touching you, Kei.”

Tsukishima nodded frantically and pushed himself up, propping himself up onto his arms as he continued to fuck himself onto Kuroo behind him.  When he started getting unsteady, Kuroo dug his fingers into his hips and helped move him.  After a few more sloppy thrusts, Tsukishima came with a sob, fingers tightening in the sheets.  He let his upper body fall once more as Kuroo continued using him.  It only took Kuroo a few more thrusts to spill himself inside of Tsukishima.

Kuroo pulled out, watching as his come slowly trickle down Tsukishima’s thighs before releasing the boy’s hips.  Tsukishima immediately fell to the bed, legs drawing up to his chest as he made room for Kuroo to lay beside him.  Kuroo nudged his back with his knee, indicating that he should move closer to the wall as Kuroo crawled into bed.  Tsukishima flinched when Kuroo folded himself over his back.

Kuroo rubbed a hand over Tsuksihima’s side.  “Okay?”

“Yeah.”  Tsukishima’s voice was barely more than a whisper, but he didn’t bother to flip over to face Kuroo.

“Roll over.”  When he didn’t move, Kuroo moved over him, forcing Tsukishima onto his back as Kuroo sat on his lap.  He frowned when he saw the tear stains streaking his boyfriend’s face.  “Sorry.”

Tsukishima shrugged a little, turning his head to the side to avoid Kuroo’s inspection.  “It’s okay.”

“No it’s not.”  Kuroo knew he had been getting out of hand again when he first heard Tsukishima’s voice break, but did nothing to stop it.  This happened every once in a while.  He’d get too rough without realizing it, and he knew it scared Tsukishima.  He could always see it in his eyes when they were done.  It made Kuroo feel like absolute shit.

_I sure am cruel._

Kuroo ran a hand from Tsukishima’s neck to the middle of his stomach.  He let his fingers flutter over the younger man’s sides and smiled a bit when he heard him laugh.  He then ran the hand back up to his shoulder, settling his hand over the bite mark there.  Kuroo leans over and replaces his hand with his mouth, leaving a tender kiss.

When he pulled away, he saw Tsukishima looking at him with a blank look on his face.  Kuroo held up a finger and pressed it into his own cheek.  “One kiss for each bruise, like always.  It’s the best I can do, Tsuki.”

Tsukishima nods slightly and frowns.  He picks up one of his arms and displays his wrist to Kuroo.  It’s already turning a dark purplish color and Kuroo can see exactly where his fingers fit.

Kuroo gentely grabs onto the wrist, placing two small pecks on the back before flipping it over and pressing his lips against soft inside of Tsukishima’s wrist.  Kuroo looks down at Tsukishima and gives him a quick wink.  “Sure, fine.  Each one can get two. Anything for you~.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know. I couldn't think of another way to make Kuroo be really, truly cruel. So. I feel awkward about this, I don't write sexual situations fluently.


	9. Always wondered what this'd be like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 9 Prompt : Always wondered what this'd be like.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.

Kuroo couldn’t get him out of his head since that first practice match with Karasuno.  He was stuck up, obnoxious, and almost always had his face pulled into a grimace that made it looked like he had just stepped in something foul with bare feet.  He also showed no respect towards his senpais (excluding his captain and vice-captain, but Kuroo figured that that respect was a product of simple fear tactics).  The boy was a downright brat, but he was also a challenge, and that’s what Kuroo liked. 

When the coaches announced that Karasuno’s team would be joining them for their next joint training camp, it felt like a blessing.  He was going to be _here_ _._  Here in what was basically Kuroo’s second home. It was where he knew all the secluded areas; the storage rooms that were never touched, the bathrooms that were too far away for anyone to bother using, the clubrooms that were going to be unoccupied because that team was out on a trip.  It was exciting, the anticipation, the waiting, the imagining what it would take to get Tsukishima away from his team and alone in a place that no one would find them.

Kuroo knew all along that it was going to be a battle.  He couldn’t even get the kid to hang around during free practice for an hour, so how was he going to get him to go with him alone?  They had barely practiced together for 30 minutes before Tsukishima got irritated and walked away.  But DAMN did that boy look good walking away.  He was all legs; long, smooth, gorgeous legs that Kuroo just knew would feel fantastic wrapped around his waist.  He was a little gangly, still growing into that big body, but Kuroo knew that if he stuck around long enough, he would be able to watch Tsukishima grow from a string-bean cutie boy to a handsome slice of man.  While the thought of having a full grown Tsukishima to fuck around with was very, very appealing, Kuroo wanted Tsukishima as he was now.  If only his opportunity would just present itself.

At dinner time, Kuroo sat down in the middle of the Karasuno boys, forcing himself in between Tsukishima and his awkward little friend.

 “Hey, glasses-kun, you know I can show you a new blocking technique after dinner if you want~.”

“Tch.”  Tsukishima was squished up against the wall next to the table, so he couldn’t escape.  He just turned his head towards his plate and ignored him.

Kuroo leaned in, mouth mere centimeters from Tsukishima’s ear. “C’mon~. You know you want to~.”

Tsukishima slammed his hand down onto the table, drawing attention from everyone in the room.  When the disturbance has passed and everyone returned to their meals, Tsukishima hissed back through clenched teeth, “Leave. Me. Alone.”

Kuroo slung an arm over the back of Tsukishima’s chair, drawing himself closer to the other boy.  “Awe come on, Tsuki.  You know you need the help.”

“As if.  I don’t need help from _you_ -”

“Tsukishima!”  Kuroo saw Tsukishima’s throat bob as he swallowed his words.  They both looked over at Tsuki’s captain who was sitting a little ways down the table.  “If someone is offering you their help, you should take advantage of the opportunity.”

Kuroo watched as color rose to the top of the blonde’s cheeks.  Tsukishima nodded, and mumbled something about being _so happy_ to receive Kuroo’s help after dinner.

“Good!  We’ll have a one on one session, Tsuki! Meet me in the third gym later, kay?”  Kuroo stood up and dumped the rest of his plate into the nearest waste basket.  He waved his hand under his chin before turning to leave.  “See you soon, Tsuki~!”

\---

The third gym was in a separate building from the first two, so Kuroo figured that even if other people wanted to practice this late, they would go to the bigger gyms in the first building.  Kuroo stretched out on the floor of the gym, looking up at the dark ceiling as he waited.  Hopefully Tsukishima wouldn’t bring any of his team’s other middle blockers to their practice.  And hopefully he would actually decide to come.  Kuroo didn’t doubt that Tsukishima would decide against showing up, despite the scolding he would receive from his captain.

Kuroo turned his head towards the door as it clacked open.  He heard someone stumble over the front step and then curse.  A bag hit the ground and sneakers squeaked as the person began searching for the lights.

“You can just leave those off.  Only about half of them work.”

Kuroo snickered when he heard the intruder jump.  “Where are you?  Turn the fucking lights on.”

Kuroo lobbed a volleyball at Tsukishima.  He heard a smack as Tsukishima hit it back, rolling out of the way as it hit the ground.  He laughed again and got to his feet, walking over to where Tsukishima was standing in the shadows.

“We can’t practice in the pitch black.” Tsukishima had his arms crossed over his chest and his entire face was turned into a scowl.

“It’s not pitch black.  We’ve got the moonlight see?” Kuroo gestured towards the windows at the very top of the walls.  It was cloudy outside, but enough light escaped the cover to illuminate the middle of the gym.  “It’s not like we’re playing a whole game.  It’ll be fine.”

Tsukishima scoffed and kicked one of his legs up behind him, leaning over to adjust his sock. “Whatever. Let’s get this started so it can be over.”

“That’s the spirit!” Kuroo grabbed Tsukishima by the wrist and dragged him into the center of the court, just inside of the moonlit area.  “Now jump.”

“Huh?”  Tsukishima frowned deeper, so Kuroo reached out and tried to smooth the wrinkles out of his forehead with his thumb.

“You’re going to be an ugly old man if you keep making that face.” Kuroo didn’t wince when Tsukishima smacked his hand away.  “And I said jump.  Like you’re blocking for someone.”  Tsukishima jumped and Kuroo groaned when the boy got maybe a few centimeters off the ground.  “Don’t half-ass it, Tsukishima.”

“I’m not.”  Tsukishima jumps again, hands raised in blocking position.

“Oh you so are.” Kuroo moves to stand between Tsukishima and the net.  “Go down like you’re about to jump, but don’t actually do it.”  Tsukishima frowns and crouches down.  “Wow, I’m surprised you’re actually listening to me.”

“Shut up.”

“Shhh, shhh, Tsuki.  But anyway, this is your problem.  You’re not getting low enough before you go up.”  Kuroo drops a hand to the inside of Tsukishima thigh and squeezes lightly.  “If you don’t feel the muscles tighten a little here, you’re not doing it right.”

Tsukishima quickly straightens and takes a few steps back, away from Kuroo’s hand. “What are you trying to do?”

Kuroo pouts and crosses his arms. “I’m just helping out a fellow middle blocker, Tsuki? Is that so wrong?”

“Just cut it out.”  Tsukishima crouches down again, lower this time, and jumps into the air a little bit higher than before.

“Good good!” Kuroo walks behind Tsukishima now, running a hand over the back of his thigh before stopping right below his ass.  “Make sure these muscles are a little bit tense too, Tsuki.”

Kuroo chuckled as he felt the muscles below his hands clench up, but Tsukishima didn’t move away.  “I said stop it.”

“Eh? You _don’t_ want my help?”  Kuroo let his nails scrape over the skin just under the hem of Tsukishima’s shorts.  When he still doesn’t pull away, Kuroo smirks and lets his hand slide up, over the blonde’s butt until it comes to a rest at his side.  Kuroo leans in, until his lips are nearly touching Tsukishima’s ear.  “Make sure you keep your back straight too.  You slouch a lot. Did you know that?”

Tsukishima quickly shakes his head, nearly smacking Kuroo in the face with his jaw.  Kuroo laughs as he slides his hand around to the front of Tsukishima’s body, pressing into his stomach just above his navel.  “Keep your back straight or you’ll stunt your growth.”

“That’s dumb.”

“You’re dumb.”  Kuroo pushed a little harder on Tsukishima’s stomach until his back met Kuroo’s front.

Tsukishima still didn’t bother to step away.  “You’re a child.”

“And yet here we are.” Kuroo stepped forward a little bit until his crotch was pressing against the other boy’s backside.  “Do you understand what I’m saying though?  Just trying to make sure you don’t get hurt, ya know.  Blocking the wrong way.”

“I’m not going to get hurt.”

“You could.”

“I don’t think I understand though, Kuroo-san.” Tsukishima shifted his weight from one foot to the other, still allowing himself to be pushed up against Kuroo’s front.  “What exactly am I supposed to keep tense to keep my back straight?”

_Oh he’s bold._

Kuroo knew that he wasn’t that stupid as to not know how to keep his own back straight.  “Want me to show you closer?”

Tsukishima shrugged and lightly touched Kuroo’s hand.  “Might as well.”

Kuroo pressed his face into Tsukishima’s shoulder and smirked.  He really wondered what Tsukishima was thinking so far.  To Kuroo, this was possibly the best way Tsukishima could have reacted to his advances.  The worst involved Kuroo laying in a puddle of his own blood, not to be found until someone came by tomorrow to use the third gym.  But this.  This was beyond his expectations.

“Well, first, you gotta make sure you’ve got strong abdominals.”  Kuroo slid his hand under Tsukishima’s shirt and began lightly touching Tsukishima’s abs.  “You could probably work on toning them a little bit more.  You’ve got a very string-beany physique.”

“Shut. Up.”

“You don’t eat enough, either.”

Tsukishima grabbed his wrist, but didn’t pull Kuroo’s hand away from his body.  “I’m going to leave.”

“No, you’re not.  You would have left already if you really wanted that.”

Tsukishima sighed, his shoulders sagging as he let go of Kuroo’s wrist.  “Just, stop talking.  You know I know that this isn’t about practice.”

Kuroo lifted his hand, letting his fingers brush over the other boy’s nipple.  He felt Tsukishima shiver against his touch.  “Oh? And you’re okay with that?”

“It’s not like I haven’t noticed you trying to get me alone all week.”

 “Good. Turn around then.”  Kuroo let his had fall so that Tsukishima would do as he was told.

“Now what?”  Tsuksihima stood there, looking both flustered and confused.

Kuroo reached up and grabbed Tsukishima by the back of his neck.  “Thought you told me to shut up?”  Kuroo pulled him forward, grabbing his hip as their lips met.  It was awkward at first, Tsukishima clearly not knowing what he was doing.  Kuroo pulled away and asked, “You ever kissed someone before?”

“I thought I told you to shut up.”  Tsukishima leaned back in, sealing his mouth over Kuroo’s.  He was all teeth, sloppy as hell even though they had barely opened their mouths to get their tongues wrapped together.  He was so terribly inexperienced and Kuroo loved it.

They continued making out in the dark gym until Kuroo got bored of their slow pace.  He pulled back and plucked at the middle of Tsukishima’s practice shirt.  “Make it disappear. Now.”

Tsukishima obliged, lifting the shirt over his head and tossing it in the general direction of his gym bag.  He tried to reach out to Kuroo again, but was stopped when Kuroo raised a finger.  “What?”

Kuroo licked his lips and winked at him. “Nice, Tsuki. Very niiiiiice.”

Tsukishima’s face flushed, and Kuroo could see the top of his chest turning pink.  He really was as skinny as he looked, but that thinness really accentuated the bare muscles that he did have.  His torso was long and his arms wiry.  And he was way too easy.

Kuroo grabbed him by the elbow, pulling him out of the middle of the court and into the shadows close to the wall.  He shoved the younger boy against it, quickly pouncing on him and reconnecting their mouths.  Kuroo placed his hands on either side of Tsukishima’s head, his thigh finding its place between his legs.  Tsukishima’s mouth was hot and tasted like toothpaste.  The little loser must have gone to brush his teeth before coming to meet him.

“You kept me waiting too long earlier.” He could feel Tsukishima hands clawing at the back of his shirt as he moved his mouth to lick at the side of his neck, leaving little love bites at his collar bone.

Tsukishima gasped, his nails digging painfully into Kuroo’s back even through his t-shirt.  “No.  Don’t you dare leave bruises.”

“Sorry, sorry.  Guess you want to keep up your innocent façade with your team, huh?”

“Oh my god, Kuroo, shut up.” Tsukishima reached out to him this time, slipping his tongue in between Kuroo’s lips.  He let Tsukishima lead the kiss until the blonde started shifting against his thigh.  Kuroo could tell that he was trying not to grind down, so Kuroo lifted his leg slightly, pressing into Tsukishima’s hardening length.  Tsukishima gasped and pulled away, the back of his head making a hollow sound as it banged against the wall.

_Too easy._

Kuroo moved his hands from the wall, sliding them down Tsukishima’s chest and around his waist until the cupped over the back of his ass.  Kuroo rolled his own hips up to meet Tsukishima’s, guiding the other boy with his hands.  Kuroo looked down to see that Tsukishima was straining against the loose fabric of his volleyball shorts as they tried to find something similar to a rhythm. Kuroo growled as Tsukishima’s hips stuttered, pressing against him with more pressure.

“St-stop.”

Kuroo slowed the movement of his hips and raised his eyes to look at Tsukishima’s face.  He was red up to the tips of his ears and looked downright delectable. “Stop? You can’t be serious.”

“No, stop that noise you just made.” Tsukishima pushed his hips against Kuroo’s again, trying to get him to speed back up.

Kuroo pulled his lips back, exposing his teeth as he let out another growl.  Tsukishima positively writhed, balling his fists up in Kuroo’s shirt.  “I really don’t think you want me to stop.”

Tsukishima closed his eyes and turned his head away as Kuroo growled once more. Kuroo leaned close, placing his teeth over Tsukishima’s bare shoulder without biting down.  When he felt the younger boy flinch, he pulled his mouth away, turning instead to his ear.  His voice was low and rough when he spoke.  “What do you want, Tsukishima?”

Kuroo could feel the tall boy squirm as he pressed him into the wall.  He saw Tsuki’s throat bob as he swallowed, trying to find the right words.  “Kuroo, I don’t-“

“Do you want me to fuck you?” 

Tsukishima’s eyes shot open and he whipped his head back around.  “What?!”

“I saaaaid ‘do you want me to fuck you?’.  I need to know now, or this little session is over.”  Kuroo released Tsukishima from his grip and took a step back to emphasize his point.  Whether he meant for it to happen or not, Tsukishima’s body followed him.  “Well?”

Tsukishima pulled his bottom lip into his mouth as he paused to think. “Yeah.”

“Well okay then.”  Kuroo grabbed the bottom of his shirt and pulled it over his head. “Get on the ground.”

“Seriously? Here?”  Tsukishima gestured to the empty gym.

“Yeah, why not?  Where else are we going to go? It’s not like anyone’s going to come in anyway.”  Kuroo squatted down next to the bag he had dropped when he had first come to the gym.  He ruffled through the contents for a few seconds before pulling a small bottle of lubricant and a condom out of the pocket.

“You do not carry that around with you.”  Kuroo looked up at Tsukishima who was now standing over his shoulder.

“Well obviously I do.  Always gotta be prepared, Tsuki.” Kuroo rolled the bottle around in his fingers and flicked Tsukishima’s knee.

“Pervert.”

“You sure like to talk a lot.”  Kuroo reached up and grabbed the waistband of Tsukishima’s shorts, pulling them down along with his underwear.  Before Tsukishima could even react, Kuroo was licking a long, wet stripe across the side of his dick, before taking it into his mouth.  Tsukishima moaned and grabbed at Kuroo’s hair when he began sucking, rolling his tongue around the bottom of the head.  After only a few seconds, Kuroo popped his head off, urging Tsukishima to remove his shorts completely.

Tsukishima sluggishly obliged, kicking off his shoes and socks as well as his shorts.  “Why’d you stop?”

“Didn’t say I’d suck your dick.” Kuroo grabbed Tsukishima’s wrist and dragged him to the ground, forcing him onto his hands and knees.  “You’ll have to come visit me at a later date if you want that one.”

“You’re an asshole.” Tsukishima winced a little when he heard Kuroo flick open the bottle of lube.

“No, sweetheart, that’d be this right here.”  Kuroo traced a slicked up finger around Tsukishima’s entrance before trying to push it in.  He frowned a little when he was met with too much resistance.  “Hey remember what I said about keeping your muscles tight?  Well keep them too tight and you’ll get hurt.  You need to relax, dude.”

Tsukishima made a choking noise and tried to turn his head to look at Kuroo.  “How the hell am I supposed to relax?”

“I don’t know, just do it.”  Kuroo massaged his finger over the hole until he finally felt Tsukishima relax a little.  “That’s better…”  He was able to slip one finger in, and slowly began sliding it in and out, until he was able to fit two, then three fingers in.  Kuroo had almost finished stretching Tsukishima out when he felt the other clench up around his fingers.  Kuroo patted his back and asked, “You okay?”

He saw Tsukishima nod his head rapidly before he let out a long breath. “D-do that again.”

“What? This?”  Kuroo slid his fingers in again, searching for the spot he had accidently touched.  Tsukishima let out a loud moan when he found it, fisting his hands against the gym floor.  Kuroo removed his hand and Tsukishima hissed at the loss.  “Man, you’ve really got to be quiet.  Unless you want someone to find us, because that’s cool too.”

Tsukishima looked over his shoulder with a scowl on his face. “You’re a pig.”

“And yet here you are.”  Kuroo kneeled behind him, shimmying his shorts down his hips far enough to release his cock.  He sighed as the warm air surrounded him, closing his eyes as he gave himself a few pumps.  When he opened them again, he could see Tsukishima staring at him over his shoulder.  He raised an eyebrow and stuck his tongue out when he brought the boy’s attention back to his face.  “Like it?”

Tsukishima tore his gaze away as he blew a raspberry through pursed lips. “As if. Just hurry up.”

“Your wish is my command, Tsuki.” Kuroo could hear Tsukishima groaning at the nickname as he ripped open the condom.  He let the foil wrapper fall over the top of Tsukishima’s head.

Tsukishima shook the wrapper off, letting it fall to the ground.  “Can you cut it out for five minutes?”

Kuroo never answered him, rolling the condom on in silence before lining up with Tsukishima’s entrance.  “Ready, Tsuki?”

Tsukishima groaned again.  “Just do it already!”

“Gladly.”  Kuroo pushed all the way in without giving Tsukishima the opportunity to adjust.  Before the boy even caught his breath, Kuroo pulled almost all the way out before slamming back in, setting a ruthless pace.  Tsukishima’s arms were shaking as he lowered his upper body to the ground.  His eyes screwed shut and mouth opened as if he were screaming, yet no sound came out as he pressed his forehead to the cool gym floor.  His legs tensed up and Kuroo groaned loudly when he brushed over Tsukishima’s sweet spot again.

Kuroo knew the younger boy was getting close when Tsukisima’s hips started shaking under his hands.  Leaning over him, Kuroo wrapped an arm around his waist, circling his hand around Tsukishima’s dick.  It alone took a few twists of his hand before Tsukishima let out a loud whine as he came onto the floor.  Kuroo followed soon after, letting Tsukishima’s hips fall to the ground.  The blonde let out a grunt and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling until his breathing returned to normal.

“You okay?”  Kuroo pulled one of the old towels out of his bag, wiping the mess off of the floor before handing it to the other boy.

Tsukishima only let out a humming noise, accepting the towel without moving to actually use it.

Kuroo laughed, tossing the used condom into a nearby trash bin while rolling up his shorts.  “You better get dressed too you know.”

Tsuki hummed again, giving no indication as to whether he’d be moving anytime soon.  Kuroo crawled over and looked down at his face.  For once it was smooth, no frown wrinkles or worry lines marring his skin.

“You’re not going to kiss me or something are you?”

Kuroo got a serious look on his face and stuck his bottom lip out in a pout. “Nah that’d be too gay.”

Tsukishima scoffed and his frown returned. “You can’t be serious.”

Kuroo laughed and pinched Tsukishima’s cheek before resting his hand in the middle of his chest.  “Was better than I expected.”

Tsukishima blushed and sat up.  “You say that as if you’ve seriously thought about this before.”

“Well yeah.  Always kind of wondered what it’d be like.”

Tsukishima quickly stood up and put his clothes on without saying another word to Kuroo.  Before leaving, he stopped at the doorway.  “Don’t say anything.”

Kuroo waved at him and shouted, “Wouldn’t dream of it, Tsuki~!”  And with that, Tsuksihima left, letting the gym door slam behind him.  Kuroo rolled over to where he had dropped his shirt.

Tsukishima really was way too easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this may be the longest of all the days so far. Enjoy it, because there may or may not be sads returning tomorrow.


	10. I'm broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 10 Prompt : I'm broken.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.
> 
> Trigger Warning : Self Harm

They were just tiny little lines.  No harm, right? They crissed and crossed and covered the tops of his thighs.  Some were white, barely noticeable against the fair complexion of his skin, and some were pink, still healing and growing.  The newer ones were black, covered in scabs, trying to stitch his skin back together.  The newest ones were red enough to drip down his leg, staining the top of his sock and the light blue bathroom rug.

He’d done too much today.  It didn’t normally bleed this bad, but he really didn’t care.  The sting was good.  The pure burn was good.  The pain was the only thing he looked forward to feeling lately as it was often the only thing he felt. 

He rubbed his fingers through the blood, letting it smear and coat the other little scars surrounding the new one.  He’d lost count of how many there were since many had started to overlap.  He thought it was pretty, in a masochistic, macabre sort of way.  The scars meant that he hadn’t done something bad enough to kill himself yet.  The warm blood sticking to his fingers meant that he was still alive, albeit hollowly.

He couldn’t remember the first time he did it.  Probably back in middle school, when everything just turned so futile and irrelevant that his daily life was nothing more than a gray haze.  He’d go to school.  He’d go to practice.  He’d come home.  Every day was the same; boring, dreary, and a drag on the thread that kept him attached to this life.

He would stay like this forever if he could, painting pictures on the tops of his legs with his own blood, digging cut after cut into his skin.  He would stay like this forever if his mother hadn’t just gotten home, if the sounds in the kitchen were anything to go by.  So instead, he quickly cleans the wounds marring his skin and covers them, slipping on basketball shorts before kicking off his ruined socks.  The cuts would probably hurt tomorrow during practice, twinging every time he crouched down before a block or if it got sweat in it like last time.  But it was for the best.  The longer the cuts hurt, the longer he would be able to wait before doing it again.  He was surprised no one on the team had noticed by now, with how short their uniforms were.  He sort of wished somebody would, though he was glad he didn’t have to have that conversation with Sawamura-senpai and Suga-san yet.

When he was finally satisfied that his legs were covered, Tsukishima emerged from the bathroom.  On the way to greet his mother, he threw the bathroom rug, along with his dirty practice clothes, into the washing machine.  He didn’t really care if the stains came out or not, but he knew he didn’t want his mother to know.  She was there, standing in the kitchen, bustling over whatever it was she was making for dinner that night. “No,” Tsukishima thought as he watched his bubbly mother run all over the room. “She doesn’t need to know.”

When she noticed him standing in the doorway to the kitchen, she quickly dropped everything she was doing to come and give Tsukishima a kiss on each cheek.  She was short, shorter than both he and Akiteru, so he had to lean down so that she could reach.  Despite her stature, everything else Tsukishima had inherited from his mother.  Her fair, wavy hair and smooth complexion, her eyes and nose and mouth.  He looked just like her in a way that his brother didn’t, and he knew it would break her heart if she knew what her baby was doing to himself.

Tsukishima placed himself at the kitchen table, wincing a little as his bandages scrunched up around his cuts.  She didn’t notice, already resuming cooking dinner.  “I’m going to go see Kuroo this weekend.”

She nodded and said that was okay, lamenting that she wished Kei would bring his boyfriend home more often.  When he said that it was because Kuroo was captain that he couldn’t come away as often, she shrugged, turning back to the stove top to throw another pan on the fire.

Tsukishima remembered that conversation.  Kuroo had made him tell his parents.  His father had gotten angry, he still didn’t talk to him as often as he used to.  His mother looked sad, but at least she still let Kuroo stay for dinner.  She had probably accepted it at this point, and was glad that Kei was happier.

Or at least she thought her son was happier.  Tsukishima supposed he was in a way.  Kuroo made him feel something other than nothing, and it was fantastic.  He made him angry and frustrated most of the time, but he also made him feel important and wanted.  And that was more than he felt anywhere else in the world, so it was enough.

Tsukishima went to visit Kuroo on Saturday morning.  He knew that Nekoma had practice, and that Kuroo would not be home for another hour when he arrived at his doorstep.  He got there early on purpose, just wanting a little time alone to lay in Kuroo’s room, in Kuroo’s sheets, before his boyfriend returned.  His boyfriend’s parents were gone as they usually were on the weekends, and Tsukishima let himself inside with the spare key that was hidden inside a cracked old flower pot.  It was winter, and the flowers were long dead.

It was dark inside apart from the flickering screen of the TV Kuroo must have forgotten to turn off. Tsukishima ignored it, toeing off his shoes before heading upstairs to Kuroo’s bedroom.  He remembered the first time Kuroo had invited him over.  They made out on the floor until he accidently kicked Kuroo in the shin.  They never really got beyond that, only ever making out despite dating for the infinity that comprised four months.  It probably had something to do with the fact that Tsukishima always shied away when Kuroo placed his hands anywhere close to his thighs.

Tsukishima flopped down face first onto Kuroo’s bed, burying himself in the covers.  He had decided a while ago that this is where he liked to be best, in Kuroo’s bed, surrounded by everything that reminded him of Kuroo.  His room was surprisingly clean, almost Spartan in nature, with nothing on the walls save for a tack board and a couple posters pinned neatly behind his desk.  His bedspread was dark red, a color that he had come to associate with Kuroo, and everything smelled so much like him.  Tsukishima thought his pillow was the best as he buried his nose in it, absorbing the smell of Kuroo’s shampoo, cologne and sweat.  He wished he could fall asleep like this and never wake up.

Tsukishima laid like that, facedown and surrounded by an absent Kuroo, until he felt something touching his back.  He turned his head slightly to see the actual Kuroo, of course, standing in nothing but his sweatpants.  He had a very uncharacteristic frown on his face, and Tsukishima could feel the heat radiating off of his body as he leaned over to place a kiss on the back of his head.

“Are you okay?” Kuroo sat down beside him, rubbing small circles over his shoulders.  Tsukishima could smell him, he was sweaty and gross from practice. He just nodded and turned his head back into the pillow.  He knew Kuroo could tell something was wrong, but didn’t quite feel like talking about it yet.  “Is it okay if I go take a shower real fast?”

Tsukishima grunted in confirmation, not moving from his position.  It was barely ten minutes before Kuroo returned, hair wet and falling around his face.  He flopped onto Tsukishima’s back, squishing him into the mattress. Tsukishima elbowed him in the stomach as he tried to breathe through the pillow and Kuroo only laughed.

“Get off, fattass.”

“Oooh, Tsuki sure is grumpy today.” Kuroo pinched his side and rolled off, placing himself between Tsukishima and the wall.  He began poking at Tsukishima’s side until he sat up, finally facing his boyfriend. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

Kuroo laid his hand on Tsukishima’s knee, and the blonde tried not to flinch.  “Doesn’t seem like nothing.”

Tsukishima covered Kuroo’s hand with his own. “It’s nothing.”

Kuroo pressed closer, propping his chin on Tsukishima’s shoulder.  “If you tell me, maybe I can make it better.”

Tsukishima sighed and let his head fall against Kuroo’s. “Doubtful.”

“So there is something wrong.”  Tsukishima knew Kuroo didn’t know.  Not really.  He’d never shown him, and Kuroo had never gotten close enough to touch them.  “C’mon, tell me.”

Tsukishima shook his head no and laid back, pulling Kuroo on top of him.  He craned his neck to kiss Kuroo gently, their lips barely brushing before the older boy sat up, placing all of his weight right over Tsukishima’s thighs.

When he let out a loud, painful gasp, he felt Kuroo jump a little in surprise.  “What? What did I do? Are you okay?”  Tsukishima groaned and nodded, trying to flatten the twisted expression on his face.  “No, no you aren’t.  What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”  Tsuksihima shook his head no, and tried to buck his hips up to knock Kuroo off.  He was only met with another sharp pain in his legs.  “Where does it hurt, babe?”

“Get off of me,” Tsukishima growled, using his hands to push Kuroo away from the pulsing pain in his thighs.  It was different this time, a different kind of hurt.  It was probably because he didn’t want to hurt this time.  He was with Kuroo now, and the pain was masking everything else that mattered.

Kuroo removed himself with a pout on his face.  Tsukishima always liked it when Kuroo pouted; it made him look like a grumpy kitten.   “How did you get hurt?”

“I’m not hurt.”

“Tsukishima,” Kuroo was about to start scolding him.  It was the one tragedy of having an older boyfriend.  “Did you get in a fight?”

“No.”

“Is someone hurting you at home?”

“God, no. You know my parents.”

“Then what is it?”  The way Kuroo was looking at him made his heart ache.  It was attentive and loving and worried.  He never wanted to make Kuroo worry.  Tsukishima just shook his head, covering the spot on his thighs he knew the scars would be even though they were already concealed by his jeans. “Please show me. I want to help.”

“No.”

“ _Tsukishima_.”

“Fine.”  He got off the bed and turned back around so he was facing Kuroo.  “I don’t think you really want to know, but whatever.”  He quickly undid his belt and let his jeans slide down his hips to the floor.  He was really surprised that he didn’t feel overexposed as he kicked his pants off of his feet.  It was just Kuroo, and it was just Kuroo who was about to see the one thing he never showed anyone.

He heard Kuroo gasp as he raised the one leg of his boxers, showing off the patchwork of scars covering his pale skin.  It was the leg he had most recently attacked, and he knew there was a bandaid covering the most recent cuts.  He made sure Kuroo saw that.  He winced as Kuroo grabbed his wrist, pulling him back onto the bed.

“Kei, what have you done?”  Kuroo was holding Tsukishima’s head between his hands, trying to get his young boyfriend to look at him.  Tsuki just shook his head and stared down at his hands balled up in his lap.  He glanced over at his leg, which was now pressed up against Kuroo’s.  The leg of his boxers were still hiked up high enough to expose the lacerations, and for once he was ashamed.  They weren’t beautiful.  They weren’t a sick badge of honor he had earned for surviving through another day of depressing monotony.  They were just ugly, horrible little reminders that he wasn’t strong enough to keep himself sane.

“Kei, please talk to me.” Kuroo was so persistent, but Tsukishima let him pull him into a hug.  He wanted to say something, he really did.  But all he could manage was a sick choking sound as he let out a sob against Kuroo’s shoulder.  His boyfriend’s hands were immediately on his back, rubbing soothing circles as he broke, wetting Kuroo’s t-shirt with his tears.

“I’m sorry…” Tsukishima’s voice cracked as he spoke, his hands fisting into the back of Kuroo’s shirt.

“You don’t need to apologize, babe.” Kuroo’s voice was right next to his ear.  He quickly pressed his lips to Tsuksihima temple before continuing.  “Just, why would you do something like that?”

Tsukishima coughed and tried to catch his breath as another sob shook through him.  “I don’t know…”

Kuroo grabbed him by the shoulders and held him at arm’s length before wiping away some of the wetness on his cheek.  “Can I look at them?”

Tsukishima nodded slightly, shaking as he felt Kuroo’s warm fingers against his skin.  He traced his fingers along the scars, rubbing at them, wishing they would disappear from his boyfriend’s skin.  He circled around the newest ones, avoiding the scabs and the bandaid.  Tsukishima jolted, nearly kneeing Kuroo in the side of the head when the older boy leaned over and placed a kiss over the cut he had made three days ago.

“What are you doing?”

“Making the pain go away.  Kissing it better.” Kuroo raised his face, smiling a sad little smile before leaning back over and placing more kisses around the skin of Tsukishima’s thighs.  It tickled, and Tsukishima had to grab him by the back of the head and pull him away before he accidently gave Kuroo a bloody nose.

“Stop it.”

“No. I like hearing you laugh.” Kuroo did pull away, instead placing a kiss on the inside of Tsukishima’s wrist.  He straightened up, removing Tsukishima’s glasses from his face before laying fluttering little kisses all over his cheeks, willing the boys tears to stop.  When they finally did, Kuroo pulled back, grabbing both of Tsukishima’s hands in his own.  “You know you can talk to me about this right?”

“I don’t think you’d understand.”

“Yeah?”  Kuroo frowned and pulled off his shirt.  He lifted his left arm, displaying his side and a smattering of old white scars.  There weren’t very many, eight at the most, but Tsukishima recognized their meaning.  He touched them, barely brushing his fingers over the longest one before Kuroo lowered his arm and grabbed Tsukishima’s hands again.  “It was back in my last year of middle school.  My mom and dad got divorced and my dad married some new bitch that still mooches off of his pay check.  They had me convinced it was my fault, always telling me shit like ‘if you hadn’t done this your dad wouldn’t have cheated on me’ or ‘if you did what you were supposed to you mom wouldn’t be so annoying’.  It sucked.”

Tsukishima pulled his bottom lip below his teeth as he listened to Kuroo talk.  He had no idea.  He’d never met Kuroo’s parents before, he just knew that his boyfriend didn’t really like to talk about it.  He just assumed they were too uptight.

“Why’d you stop?”

“Kenma found out.  He got some people together to convince me it wasn’t worth it.  It took a while, but eventually I believed it.” Kuroo gripped his hands tightly, almost to the point of pain.  “I’m going to convince you it isn’t worth it either.”

Tsukishima scoffed, already feeling the tears welling up in his eyes again.

“I mean it.  You could die if this gets out of hand.  I’m not going to let that happen.”

“What are you going to do?  It’s not like I can come see you out of the blue.”

“I know, and that’s what hurts the worst. But this…” Kuroo grabbed his cellphone from wherever he had been hiding it. “This is your automatic free pass to me 24/7.  I don’t care what time it is, I want you to call me.  If you’re in class and you feel like hurting yourself, call me.  If it’s 3 in the morning and you can’t sleep, call me.  I just want you safe, Kei.”

Tsukishima pushed his lower lip out as he felt the tears falling down his face once more.  “I don’t know what to do.”

“I know.  I know it hurts.  But you do have people who care about you at home too.  What about Freckles?  Does he know?”

Tsukishima shook his head, rubbing vigorously at his eye to stop it from leaking.

“You should tell him.  I’ve seen how you guys are together.  He’ll want to help.  What about your senpai?”

“Oh god no.”

“Okay, don’t tell them then.  But if this gets worse,” Kuroo rubbed his hand over Tsukishima’s thigh, “I’m telling Sawamura.  I don’t care if you break up with me for it. I’m not going to let you hurt yourself.”

“No.”

“I _have_ to, Kei. If you get worse, and something happens to you, I’ll never forgive myself for not telling someone who lives closer to you.  Someone who’s around you every day.”

Tsukishima let out a long breath.  He knew Kuroo was right.  He knew he needed to tell someone.  He knew he needed help.  But hearing Kuroo say it made him feel a lot better.  “Thank you.”

“What are you thanking me for, idiot?” Kuroo wrapped his arm around his neck and ruffled his hair. “I love you, so I’m going to do anything to make sure you’re still with me. Now put your pants back on before I can’t help myself anymore.”

Tsukishima laughed as Kuroo wiggled his eyebrows, stopping when the realization of what Kuroo had said hit him.  “Wait, what did you just say?”

“I said put on your pants before I take the rest of your clothes off.” Kuroo stuck his tongue out when he saw Tsukishima’s stank face.  “I’m assuming you meant the part where I said I love you.”

Tsukishima crossed his arms and pouted.  “You’re not just messing with me right?”

“Seriously? Why would I joke about something like that? I’m not that cruel. Now hurry up, I’m taking you to dinner.”

Tsukishima pulled his pants on and followed Kuroo out the door.  He let him hold his hand as they walked to dinner and allowed him to sit on the same side of the table at the restaurant Kuroo picked.  He knew he was going to be okay by the way the hot food burned his tongue and the way the strawberry shortcake smelled when Kuroo insisted that Tsukishima eat an entire plate meant for four people.  He knew he wasn’t alone from the way Kuroo rubbed the top of his leg all through dinner.  It was comforting and it felt real.  Tsukishima realized he wasn’t as broken as he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one feels very personal to me, and it was time to bring the sads back.


	11. Thought I needed this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 11 Prompt : Thought I needed this.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.

Tsukishima had thought it was just lust.  That it was only a primal desire for the older captain that had been fueled by hormones and a practically non-existent sex-life up to this point.  Sure, he had fooled around with Yamaguchi before, making out and touching each other through their clothes whenever the other boy spent the night at his house.  He knew he probably could have coerced his friend to do more if he wanted, but that was just it.  He had never wanted it, never flat out desired it like he had when he first began interacting with the cocky, overconfident Kuroo.

All he wanted was to get it over with.  To have a quick fuck and be completely destroyed in one go.  He thought that was what he needed to get rid of the thoughts that plagued him at night.  He just wanted to get rid of the dreams that involved a lot of Kuroo between his legs and too much Kuroo fucking him into the mattress.  So the only logical conclusion was to actually do it, right?  Surely the real thing couldn’t be as good as his mountain of expectations on the matter.

Of course it wasn’t as good as what he expected, but in many ways it was better.  His dreams were mainly composed of visuals and fabricated sounds of what he imagined Kuroo would sound like.  But in real life, he didn’t have to overstimulate his brain.  He could just lay back and take it.  Kuroo didn’t sound the same as he had imagined, if he was making a sound at all.  He was uncharacteristically quiet, only letting out small gasps and sighs when something felt just right.

Tsukishima could tell that he had done this before, but he wasn’t quite sure at the time why that infuriated him so much.  He radiated confidence and experience and it burned Tsukishima’s skin like a brand, almost as much as his stupid cocky grin.  About halfway through, Tsukishima had to close his eyes.  Kuroo had started connecting eye contact, and it started to feel much too intimate for Tsukishima’s liking.  They had started this little arrangement with an agreement for it to be a one-time thing.  No fooling around, no feelings.  They would get it over with and Tsukishima would leave, hopefully sated and content.

Of course, the hope was just that.  It was good, so very, very good.  With his eyes closed he could feel everything.  The heat rolling off of Kuroo’s body in waves.  His short nails digging into the skin at his hips.  The near invisible stubble scratching over his shoulder as Kuroo kissed his neck.  He never even knew Kuroo could grow facial hair, though he wasn’t sure why he thought that he couldn’t.  It was nice, Tsukishima thought.  He wondered what Kuroo would look like if he let it grow out a little.  Everything was so fantastic, and he was sure he was ready to leave.  He wanted to leave and go back home and sleep in his own bed.  But when he moved to put his clothes back on, he felt heavy.

He wanted to stay.  He _so_ badly wanted to say.  He wanted to stay and sleep next to Kuroo.  He wanted to stay and wake up and eat breakfast with Kuroo.  This wasn’t what he thought he needed.  He could only imagine the taunting he’d receive if Kuroo woke the next morning with Tsukishima still in his bed.

Tsukishima thought he looked so peaceful.  Well, sort of at least.  His body was relaxed and his back rose and fell slightly as he breathed, but his arms were tense as they pushed a pillow into the side of his head.  Tsukishima noticed a long scar running down the side of his back.  He let his fingers run across it, light enough that Kuroo wouldn’t wake up.  It was lighter in color than the rest of Kuroo’s skin but barely raised at all.  It looked old, like an old memory from his childhood.  Tsukishima wanted to know how Kuroo had gotten that scar.

He wanted to know more. He wanted to know things like what kind of music Kuroo listened to; did they have similar tastes? What did he want to study when he enrolled in university the next year?  Did he like it better when his mom cut his sandwiches lengthwise or diagonally when he was a kid?  Did he like going to the beach or the mountains better for vacation?  He wanted to know so much that it was scary. 

It was downright terrifying to want to be so close to a person.  He’d never felt this way about anyone before.  Not Yamaguchi, not his brother or parents.  So why did he desire to learn about Kuroo when he knew exactly what this was?

Kuroo had made it explicitly clear.  He even told Tsukishima where to leave the spare key on his way out.  He had no interest in Tsukishima.  He probably didn’t even really have a need for him in this sense either.  He could have anyone he wanted, as cunning and gorgeous as he was.

Tsukishima choked and slipped his pants over his feet as soon as he completed that thought. Kuroo, gorgeous? No, that was a term normally reserved for models and actresses and people way too far out of Tsukishima’s line of sight.  No one ‘gorgeous’ would ever actually be interested in someone like him.

He knew this was going to be a mistake.  He knew he was incapable of getting physical with a person without picking up on all the subtle bits of personality that leaked through a barbed composure.  He could always see traits in Kuroo that he knew he would like in a partner, but chose to ignore them since he knew there was no chance in hell that they would ever be an actual thing.

That’s why this was the perfect opportunity to get what he wanted.  He knew he would regret it later, when he sat in his bed thinking of the way Kuroo’s lips curled up in to a feline smirk whenever something went exactly his way.  But, now, as Tsukishima let the front door of Kuroo’s house slam shut behind him, he was still convinced that this had been a good venture.

That’s right.  This was exactly what he needed.  A quick fling with someone he didn’t see every day. Someone disposable who wouldn’t get hurt if Tsukishima never called back. What he didn’t need was pining feelings for someone he could never have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still reeling from yesterday since I upset myself by writing it, so this one is a little bit shorter. But still. Enjoy, none the less~


	12. I'm drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 12 Prompt : I'm drunk.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.

It probably hadn’t been a good idea to go out that night with some guys from his…class.  At least, Kuroo _thought_ they were guys from his class, though he couldn’t remember exactly what class he had with them.  Calculus? History?  Who fucking _cares_?  They’re really fucking fun and they know how to get someone’s mind off of their shitty problems.  With alcohol.  _So_ much alcohol.

Kuroo couldn’t even remember at this point what his problem was.  Something to do with ‘responsibility’ and acting like an adult?  Maybe. But he couldn’t really pinpoint his issues among the swirling lights that definitely weren’t moving like that when he first arrived at the bar a few hours ago.  He was pretty sure they had been stationary. Maybe they had flipped some sort of switch that made them dance in irregular patterns to match the drunken slobs grinding all over each other in the center of the dance floor.  But he really doubted that that was the case as he tipped back another shot and laughed in a pitch that was almost effeminate.  He was so far gone that he almost didn’t feel his phone buzz in his pocket.

_Tsuki_ _♥ : where the hell are you?_

And why was he getting his panties in a bunch?  He had gone out at around 8 o’clock.  There was no reason at all that Tsukishima should be getting riled up already.  Kuroo quickly checked the clock on the screen.

‘Shit.’

The screen flashed a glaring 2:37 am, laid over a picture of a half-naked Tsukishima that he had had snapped two weeks ago while his boyfriend was sleeping.  He had promised that he would be home by 11:30, even though it was a Saturday and every other sensible 22 year old would still be out getting absolutely shitfaced.  Well, Kuroo wasn’t too far off of the shitfaced mark, though he was about three hours late in returning to his and Tsukishima’s apartment.

It was around then that Kuroo noticed he had a slew of other messages that he had missed.  There were at least 10 new text messages, varying in content from anger to worry and back to anger.  There was also a panicked block of missed calls from 1:13 to 1:27.  A couple voicemails that he deleted without even listening to.

‘Shit, shit, shit.’

He knew he was going to get it when he got home. He knew he was going to sit down on the couch in the living room and Tsukishima would chew him out until his strobe light headache turned into a hangover headache.  He knew what was going to happen and he didn’t want to go home.

His drinking buddies didn’t notice as he lifted himself off of the wobbly barstool and made his way towards the door. They were even worse off than he was, if that were possible.  Kuroo sincerely doubted it was as every step he took felt heavy and awkward, kind of like he was walking through a pool of honey.  He knew he should probably call for a car to come pick him up, but he wasn’t entirely sure where his wallet had run off to.  He’d deal with that mess in the morning.  Well, more likely it would be tomorrow afternoon, but Kuroo couldn’t be bothered to care.  The cool night air felt good on his overheated face and walking home meant he could postpone the inevitable for at least another 30 minutes. That is, if he didn’t pass out in an alley somewhere.

Kuroo groaned when he finally reached the apartment 45 minutes later after a few mistaken turns that led him to a couple of the more godforsaken places of town.  The lights were on even though it was after 3 am now; he could still tell which apartment was his through his drunken haze even from 5 stories below.  There was a big flowery plant sitting in the windowsill that was gifted to them by Tsukishima’s mother when they first moved in together.  She was a sweet lady, Kuroo thought, being the only one of their 4 parents to not have a problem with them dating.  Sometimes Kuroo liked her more than his own mother, but he was starting to get dizzy by looking that far up at the plant, so he started his trek upstairs.

Why they chose a building with no elevators was always the million dollar question on nights like these.  Sometimes Kuroo considered staying down in the community park for the night to avoid tripping up five flights of stairs.  He knew he couldn’t do that tonight though.  He knew Tsukishima would probably be gone by morning if he didn’t get his ass up those stairs. So he begrudgingly lifted his heavy feet (why he chose to wear those old combat boots tonight of all nights, he’d never understand) and climbed.  Kuroo tripped somewhere on the way up the fourth flight, scratching up his palms and clipping his chin on the rough cement.  They had been told it was kept rough and gravely like this so that it didn’t get slippery when wet, but it really did no favors for the drunken college students flooding the area.

By the time he finally made it to the door of his apartment, Kuroo was starting to feel like absolute shit.  His head was pounding and a light was flashing in the backs of his eyes.  He was sure he was going to throw up at any second, but managed to ward off the impending grossness in favor of pulling his keys out of his pocket.  After stumbling and dropping the keys on the ground six times while trying to slide them into the lock, Kuroo wiggled the door handle to find it already unlocked. Tsukishima never left the door unlocked unless he was waiting up for him.

‘Oh god someone kill me now.’

Kuroo opened the door slowly, hoping it wouldn’t squeak like it normally did.  He quickly kicked off his boots as he shut the door behind him, trying to get into the bathroom before Tsukishima noticed he was home.  As he crept through the living area, he noticed his boyfriend wasn’t sitting where he normally did when he waited for Kuroo to come home.  Instead, he was laid out on the couch sleeping with his phone clutched tightly in his hand.  Kuroo walked around and sat on the floor next to the couch, looking at Tsukishima.  He had fallen asleep with his glasses on and his face was twisted into an ugly frown. His knees were drawn up a little bit so that all of his big body could fit on the seat and part of his stomach was exposed below where his t-shirt had ridden up.  Kuroo nuzzled his face into the skin around Tsukishima’s navel before opening his mouth to blow a wet raspberry on his side.

Tsukishima woke with a jolt, pushing his hands down to cover his stomach and move Kuroo’s head away.  Tsukishima ran his hand’s through Kuroo’s hair before tightening his fist in it, turning the older male’s head to look at him.  He looked positively _pissed_.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Awe, Tsuki’s so mean to me… I was just giving you a little kiss…” Kuroo’s voice drawled off into a whisper as he poked Tsukishima’s side.  He reached up to remove Tsukishima’s hand from his hair, planting a slobbery kiss on the back of it when he got it next to his face.

The blonde immediately pulls his hand away, pulling himself into a sitting position.  “Where were you, Kuroo?”

Kuroo giggled a little and rubbed his head against Tsukishima’s thigh. “Ooooouuut~.”

Tsukishima sighed and scratched his fingers through Kuroo’s hair.  “You’re drunk.”

“NO. No, ‘m not, Tsuki.” Kuroo laughed again.

“You stink of alcohol.  And I think I can tell when you’re drunk.” Tsukishima gripped his shoulders and pushed him back.  “Get up.  Now.”

Kuroo nodded and immediately regretted it.  His vision was spinning again and the world tipped out from under him as he fell backwards.

\---

“Shit.” Tsukishima jumped off the couch as he watched Kuroo tip over, head grazing the side of the coffee table.  He quickly checked to see if there was any blood of the back of his boyfriend’s head before letting his limp body fall back to the floor.  He’d get the slob a pillow and a blanket, but that was it.  Kuroo was going to have to suffer on the floor tonight.

All he wanted tonight was to have an evening in with his boyfriend, maybe watch a movie and order some take out.  He knew Kuroo had been feeling a little trapped, never able to go out with his friends between school, work, and himself.  He hadn’t said anything when Kuroo went out every Friday and Saturday night for the past four weeks, coming home drunk and on one occasion bloody. That one had scared Tsukishima shitless; Kuroo had tried to save one of his buddies from a bar fight and ended up with a busted lip and bloody nose.  He said something to Kuroo then about behaving more responsibly.  He was almost done with college and wouldn’t be able to get a job when he graduated if he got arrested for some stupid brawl.

Tsukishima sighed as he placed a pillow below his boyfriend’s head, tipping it to the side so he wouldn’t suffocate if he got sick in his sleep.  He intentionally covered him up with their scratchiest blanket before leaving the room, tucking himself into their empty bed.

He couldn’t take much more of this.  The drunkenness, the coming home at 4 in the morning, the wondering if Kuroo was going to come back at all.  It was quiet in the bedroom as Tsukishima slowly slipped back to sleep.  He wondered if he was going to have to get used to this silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima got to be drunk a few days ago, so it was high time for it to be Kuroo's turn. Though Kuroo's not as fun when he's drunk.
> 
> And I think its high time to say again, I'm also posting all days on Tumblr, url dreyars.
> 
> ALSO, watch out because tomorrow. Oh Tomorrow. Tomorrow is a continuation/prequel to Day 4 : I need to want you. In case anyone wanted to brush up on that.


	13. I want to hurt you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 13 Prompt : I want to hurt you.
> 
> Unlike the other days, this is a continuation chapter~! Well, its kind of a Prequel as opposed to a continuation. Uhm. Read Day 4 : I need to want you first.
> 
> Also, for some reason I wrote this in first person and I haven't done that in a long time, so I'm not sure what I was thinking. So, this is Kuroo talking.

I want to hurt you.

I want to see you cry.

I want to drag your head out of your ass and turn your face into something other than that snide look of condemnation and condescension.  The look you always give me.  It’s an ugly look.  It twists your pretty face into one I want to lay my fist into instead of kiss.

I want to hurt you, to turn your skin black and blue.

But I won’t, because I’m not sure if you really deserve it yet.

It’s been close to a year since we’ve been living together. A year and a half that we’ve been dating. 3 and a half months since I realized I couldn’t stand to be around you.  I should’ve left a long time ago or at least said something about how crazy you’ve been driving me.  But I didn’t, and now I think I hate you.

It’s kind of funny though, saying you’ve been driving me crazy.  That’s exactly what I used to tell you when you were teasing me in bed.  Touching everywhere but the places you knew I wanted to be touched.  I can’t remember the last time I thought you were driving me crazy in a good way.

I took a psychology class last semester.  You remember, the one that I stressed about for no reason?  There was a chapter on close relationships that I probably should’ve paid more attention to.  But I do remember my professor telling us this.  Apparently, if you live together before you get married, your marriage is more likely to end in divorce in the first five years than if you move in together after your wedding night.  Not like we could _actually_ get married, but I get what that’s getting at.  If you live together for too long, you start getting comfortable. When you’re comfortable, you start getting lazy when it comes to relationship maintenance.  And that laziness breeds contempt.

We’ve been living together for a year, and it didn’t take more than a month for us to get comfortable.  What, did you expect I was just always going to be there?  Did you think you could just keep me around with nothing more than a hug in the morning and an uninterested ‘how was your day?’ in the afternoon?  I don’t know which of us lost interest first, or if you even feel the same way because we haven’t had an actual conversation in more than a week.

‘But Kuroo, its exam week.  We’ve both been busy studying.’  That’s probably what you’d say.  Well fuck that.

If you actually cared about someone other than yourself, if you actually cared about _me_ you would’ve left your desk when I made us dinner Tuesday night.  It was a gift. A break.  I know how hard you’ve been studying.  You’re trying to get good scores so you can get into a good Graduate program later on. Believe me, _I get it_. But what you didn’t realize was that this was also a test.

A petty test, sure.  But still a test.

You failed, if you were wondering.

You fucking failed and now I’m thinking about everything you’ve ever done that has pissed me off.

There’s your disinterest in everything from our relationship to things you should actually care about, like your friend. What was his name again?  Yamaguchi, right?  Did you even call him on his birthday a couple weeks ago? I know you two don’t go to the same school anymore, but to think you’d forget someone who stuck with you when you were being an insufferable little prick in middle school and high school.  Did you know he actually called me to make sure you were okay since you weren’t answering any of his calls?  Of course you didn’t, because you had your nose pressed to a textbook again when I tried to tell you.  That’s one thing that’s admirable about you, your dedication to school.  Probably because it’s the only thing you’re good at.

Speaking of things you’re good at, there’s the matter of your perfected talent of telling everyone how ‘pathetic’ they are. What does that even mean, Tsukishima?  Please inform me.  Do you actually think you are so much better than everyone else that you can just go around insulting them all the time?  Because let me tell you, you aren’t shit.  You’re nothing.  You wouldn’t even be able to take care of yourself if someone wasn’t holding your fucking hand the whole time.  I guess that’s not really your fault though, being the youngest of your family and everything.  I can’t blame you for being a spoiled brat when it’s really your mother’s fault, huh?

Oh but I can.  You’re legally an adult now, and you need to start being responsible for your own actions.  Sooner rather than later, actually.  Because I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t.  I know we’ve still got a month on this lease, and after it’s up it will finally be done. Even if I leave now, my name will still be nestled next to yours in that contract. There’s no point in finding you a new roommate for the remaining month or trying to sublease it out.  There’s not enough time and so I’ve already decided to pay for my half of the last month and leave it at that.  You can stay, but I have to go before I do something I regret.

Because _god_ how badly I want to hurt you.

Everything about you is irritating.  The way you twirl your pencil around your fingers when doing homework and then tap it on the desk three times before twirling it again. Why do you even _do that_?

Oh, and the way you click your tongue behind your teeth when you think something is stupid.  Which happens a lot. Like please, Tsukishima, control your irritation.  Not everyone is as easy going as I am, and you’ve pissed me off.  That should really tell you something about your personality.

I just wish you would get excited about something.  Invest your emotions in anything.  Like when I bought us concert tickets to a band you told me you liked, a band that I thought was your favorite, you didn’t even care.  You didn’t even _smile_ when I told you about it.  I wasn’t expecting you to jump up and down and scream and cry like the other people at the venue, but something other than your vague, disinterested look would have been appreciated.

I don’t know. I’m just tired I guess.  Tired of putting myself in to something that you don’t even care about.  At one time, I probably could have told you I loved you.  I did love you.  But you and your bad habits and personality just wore away at that love until you started scraping at bone.  It hurts, and I know it will hurt when I leave because I wish we could make it work.  That’s probably why I waited so long.  I was deluded into thinking that this was fixable.  That your personality was fixable and if I waited long enough, eventually you would turn into the person I wanted you to be.  I thought you could turn into the you that I had fantasized about, the image of you that I put up on a pedestal and protected from the actual you.  But you can’t change a person who doesn’t want to change.  So there’s no point in faking it anymore.

I want to hurt you, and this is probably going to hurt you more than anything I could do to you physically.

I probably shouldn’t interrupt you when you’re studying, but I’m never going to be able to do this if I don’t do it now.

Tsukishima, I can’t do this anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Made myself sad again while writing. Small reprise in the sads tomorrow before I smack you in the face with it on Day 15. Have fun.


	14. I'm awake and you're breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 14 Prompt : I'm awake and you're breathing.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.

The room was cold, the midnight air wafting over their overheated bodies like a blessing.  Kuroo could feel water dripping on his legs, tiny little icy pinpricks falling from the open window.  He reaches over to slide the glass closed, throwing the room into relative silence.  There is still the sound of raindrops striking the window pane, along with a few claps of thunder punctuated by bright flashes of lightening.  There is also the sound of Kei breathing softly, snoring with his face pressed into the pillow.  His head was turned towards Kuroo, and he looked so tranquil.  With all the frown lines gone from his face, Kuroo dared to describe him as beautiful, though he’d never say that aloud.  But that’s what Kei was.  Beautiful.

Kuroo traced a finger down the side of his sleeping boyfriend’s jaw.  He’d always liked the shape of his face.  So smooth and rounded, but just angular enough to still be considered masculine.  He’d been a lot more baby faced when they first met, but that was to be expected.  Kuroo still cringed at his own photographs from his first year of high school, back before puberty had really started to kick in and harden up his features.  Kei had always been cute though.  He was cute as a teenager and cute as a young man, and Kuroo would bet hard money on the fact that Kei was cute as a child.  Of course, every time he called Kei cute, he always had to correct himself and say that he was ‘handsome’ or ‘sexy’ or anything else besides _cute_.  Kei didn’t like that word, so Kuroo usually just thought it to himself rather than say it out loud.

And then there was his nose.  Kuroo traced a path over the bridge and laughed silently as Kei crinkled it up under his finger.  He had a nice nose too, but Kuroo usually associated it with the thick black glasses Kei wore during the day.  Kuroo liked the way he looked without glasses, and had asked him once why he never sprung for contacts, especially when he played a sport that involved so much risk of being smashed in the face.  Apparently, Kei’s eyes were really sensitive on top of him being basically blind.  He couldn’t wear contacts for more than thirty minutes before his eyes got red and puffy, if he could even get them in at all.  But Kuroo liked his glasses, they framed his face nicely and he wouldn’t really be Kei without them.

After Kei relaxes his face again, Kuroo moves his hand to run down the length of Kei’s neck.  It was perfectly long, with lots of room for Kuroo to sink his teeth into.  He remembered thinking that it was too long when they were younger, that it made Kei look like a giraffe.  But, considering his body type and height, it fit him well, along with his long legs, long arms, and long torso.  He grew into all of them though.  He’s quite a few centimeters taller now, as well as broader and more muscular, though he is still as wiry and thin as he ever was.  He’s just less gangly, with slightly wider shoulders and more sturdiness than there was before.  Kuroo was less concerned now that he was going to break if he handled him too roughly.

That was another thing.  Kei’s skin was so fair and smooth, it almost looked like he was made out of porcelain when he was comfortable and sleeping.  He’d never seen the younger man with a zit, and was sure he had never had a scar other than the one tracing around the inside of his arm.  Kuroo had gotten a little upset when he first saw that, thinking it was something Kei had done to himself.  His boyfriend had assured him it was nothing of the sort, simply an old battle wound from his childhood.  Kei had been chasing his big brother when he tripped and fell over a flower pot in their backyard.  The broken ceramic had taken a slice out of his skin, and his brother thought he was going to die.  It was Kei’s only imperfection, yet it flowed perfectly from the crook of his elbow to the outside of his arm.  He guessed it wasn’t really a flaw, just another part of Kei’s character that made him who he was.

Kei was perfect.  There was no point in arguing it. He was perfect from the top of his wavy blonde head to the surprisingly soft bottoms of his feet.  It was so sickeningly cliché but Kuroo didn’t care.  It was true, an undisputable fact.  He was perfect all the time, especially when he was here, asleep and vulnerable in their bed.  Kuroo ran his hand down further, over the plane of Kei’s chest and stomach until he reached his hip, bare except for the thin veil of bed sheet. So perfect.

Kuroo leaned in, placing a kiss in the middle of Kei’s forehead.  He felt his boyfriend shift and groan, throwing an arm over Kuroo’s shoulders and pulling him closer.  He felt lips at the side of his face as he fell forward, bracing his arms over Kei’s head so as not to squish him.  He watched as Kei’s eyelashes fluttered, eyes slowly opening and adjusting to the dim room.

That was always Kuroo’s favorite part, Kei’s eyes.  In fluorescent lights, they were nothing special.  Just a simple brown that caught the light in un-extraordinary ways.  But in the sun, they were gorgeous.  A deep honey color, they caught the sun’s rays and shined even behind the glass on Kei’s face.  Bent over a textbook they were a deep orange, reflecting the shine of the desk lamp.  When it was rainy and there was nothing but a bone-deep chill in the air, his eyes were like melted caramel, holding onto the warmth of summer.  And now, in the darkness of their bedroom, with pupils blown wide in an attempt to focus on Kuroo’s face.  It was almost impossible to see the colored iris with how wide the center got, and it reminded Kuroo of a total eclipse of the sun.

Kei blinked up at him, silently questioning what he was doing.  Kuroo leaned down to press another kiss in the center of his forehead.  He let some of his weight fall until he was laying on top of his boyfriend, skin pressed together everywhere except where they were separated by the sheets.

“Sorry for waking you.”  He wasn’t really sorry, but it seemed like the right thing to say when he felt like he had woken an angel.

Kei hummed and let his eyes slip closed, inviting Kuroo in for another kiss.  After a minute or so of slow, loving kisses, Kei flips over, taking Kuroo with him.  He buried his face in the crook of Kuroo’s shoulder, letting out a contented sigh as his boyfriend ran his fingers through the hair at the back of his neck.  Soon he relaxes, quickly falling into sleep again.  Kuroo can hear him breathing, gentle puffs of air tickling the hair around his ear.

Kuroo smiled and wrapped his arms around his sleeping boyfriend, trying to get comfortable without waking him again.  This was perfect.  Kei was perfect.  And if Kei was perfect, then this must be heaven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are officially over halfway done with the prompts! Its a bitter sweet moment but I'm proud of myself for getting to this point. This was meant to be a 30 day challenge, but only 26 prompts were given. The last 4 days are "author's choice". I'm not sure if I'm going to do those yet, but if I decide to do that, I may ask for prompt ideas in a few chapters, in case anyone wants to help me out!
> 
> Thanks for everyone who has been sticking with this series so far, I love you all and all your comments!


	15. This is my desperation in action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 15 Prompt : This is my desperation in action.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.
> 
> And I hate to put this warning here, but I have to. So Warning : Major Character Death.

He was late.

He was so terribly late on the most important night of his young life.

He had gotten held up at work.  He wasn’t sure why tonight of all nights the boss included him in a meeting for upper level executives, especially considering the fact that he was just an entry level desk jockey.  But he did, and now he was late. 

For college students, exams had just concluded for the year and everyone was either winding down for a brief reprise before the next semester or getting ready for graduation.  The past week had been hell for Kuroo; between dealing with his job and a pissy, studious boyfriend, he was on the brink of insanity.  But he knew all of it was going to be worth it in the end.  Kei was going to be graduating and already had a good job lined up to start two weeks from now.  And though he was stuck in a job with nowhere to go but up, he had finally saved up enough money to buy the most important piece of jewelry he hoped Kei would ever wear.

Kuroo flicked open the little box one last time as his train slid to a stop.  It was pretty basic, just a gold band with a few ornate engravings around the outside.  He knew his boyfriend would never accept it if it was too flashy, but the simplicity of the ring was beautiful.  Kuroo knew it would look gorgeous wrapped around Kei’s long ring finger.

When he finally arrived at their shared apartment, he noticed everything was peculiarly still.  Everything was dark and quiet; no sounds of the radio humming away softly and no lights on in the living room.  It was odd, Kei was always home before he was, and he knew his exams ended around one o’clock today.  Kuroo quickly typed out a message inquiring about Kei’s location before heading off to their bedroom to change out of his uncomfortable work attire.

Kuroo entered their bedroom, tugging at his tie and throwing his jacket across the bed.  Everything was the same as when he had left this morning.  The desk was scattered with textbooks and notes, minus the ones Kei had taken with him to school that day.  The wastebasket was overflowing with crumpled up papers and snack bar wrappers, and Kei’s study hoody was gathered in a pile by the chair.  Kuroo never understood that one.  The blonde always insisted on keeping the thermostat down in the 60’s when he was studying, something to do with the cold keeping him alert, but then bundled up in thick socks, flannel night pants, and that god-awful excuse for a jacket.  It was an ugly old grey, and there were stains around the bottoms of the sleeves and a hole in the left elbow, but it was a familiar part of Kei’s routine.  Kuroo picked it up and folded it over the back of the desk chair.

Kuroo shrugged out of his work shirt and pulled out of his closet a dark red button up, one that he knew Kei liked.  It was one of the first things he had ever bought with Kei in mind; his boyfriend had told him once that he looked good in red, so by coincidence or intent his casual wardrobe ended up consisting of 50% red.  It was missing a few of the original buttons, personal property destruction courtesy of Tsukishima Kei, but it still fit, and it still looked good.

He checked his phone again after he slid on a pair of dark jeans.  Still no message or call from his M.I.A. lover. Kuroo clicked his tongue and set the phone on the bedside table, leaving it be until he had finished getting ready.

It was going to be perfect.

He’d been planning it for months; what he was going to say, how he was going to say it, the lead up, the location, everything.  He’d managed to get a reservation at one of the nicer places in town and intended to treat Kei to every silly whim he had ever mentioned.  It was so sickeningly sweet and cliché, and Kuroo new none of it mattered if Kei didn’t say yes.

But he knew he would.

Kei’s emotions were very transparent, and Kuroo could always see through every faked bad mood and stoic face his young boyfriend threw up.  He knew he would say yes, he had never given Kei as reason not to.

He was sitting on the couch in the living room, flicking the box open and closed when he finally felt his phone buzz.  He quickly picked it up, expecting to see Kei’s grumpy contact picture but was met with an unknown number.  Kuroo hit the ignore button and sighed, letting his head fall back on the top of the couch.

It was less than thirty seconds before his phone started up again.  It was the same number as before, and Kuroo groaned before answering it. 

“Hello?” He immediately noticed the line was fuzzy, as if the person on the other end didn’t have a good reception.  Probably too far inside a building somewhere.

“Uhm… Y-yes. Is this K-kuroo-san?”  The person’s voice was thick and muddled.  Kuroo could barely make out his own name in that short jumble of words.

Kuroo let a breath out through his teeth.  “Speaking.”

“Oh good.  W-well, not GOOD-good, exactly b-but…”

“Who is this?”

The person on the other end inhaled sharply, and the line went to static for a moment.

“Come again?”

“Uhm. Y-yeah.  I said this is Tsuki’s friend.”  The other person made a choking noise and Kuroo nearly hung up.  “Y-yamaguchi.”

Kuroo ran a hand through his hair and pushed it out of his eyes.  Freckles.  “Oh. Hi.  Look, I’m kind of busy right now, waiting for Kei to come home-”

“You need to come here now.”  Yamaguchi’s voice was clear for only those few seconds before he makes another choking noise and a dull buzz returns to the line.

“Look, I know you and Kei are best friends but I don’t know where you live. Where’s here?”

Yamaguchi coughs, and the next time he speaks his voice sounds thick and wet, like he was crying.  “You need to come to the h-hospital now.”

Kuroo was on his feet in an instant.  He shoved the ring box in his pocket along with his keys, stuffing his feet into the first shoes he could find.  He was out the door in two minutes, with Yamaguchi still hanging on the line.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s, T-tsuki.  They won’t let me-“

“What happened?!”  Kuroo saw a lady jump as he stormed past, trying to make his way to the closest bus stop.  He decided that if there was no bus scheduled for the next 10 minutes, it would be faster to run.

“I c-can’t.  I d-don’t know.”

“How the _hell_ can you not know?”  The bus wasn’t scheduled to come for another half hour.  Kuroo took off in a sprint down the road.

“Th-they won’t let me back there.”

Kuroo groaned as he side-stepped a pair of high schoolers who were hogging the sidewalk.

“H-his mom’s here, too.”

Kuroo cursed under his breath.  He couldn’t keep talking.  He needed to get there as fast as he could, and Yamaguchi’s barely there information was not helping his cause.  “I’ll be there. 5 minutes.”

“Where are you coming from?”

“Five. Minutes.” Kuroo ended the call and picked up his pace.  He was sure he knocked a little kid over at one point, but didn’t spare a glance back as he barreled forward.  By the time he skidded to a stop at the front steps of the hospital, he was drenched in sweat despite the cool evening air.

Yamaguchi was standing outside, arms crossed in front of him and his gaze turned towards the ground. Kuroo grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him roughly as he tried to keep his voice under control. “What. Happened?”

“W-we were just hanging out after our last test and we were walking back to your place after we got a drink and we were walking through a crosswalk and…” Yamaguchi’s voice trailed off as he let out a loud sob.  Kuroo noticed there was gauze wrapped around his forearms and a small bandage on his chin.  “A-and he pushed me out of the w-way.  He pushed me out of the way...”

Kuroo shook his shoulders again as Yamaguchi rubbed at his eyes. “Where is he?”

The freckled man nodded, grabbing Kuroo by the elbow and leading him into the trauma emergency room.  The waiting area was a pasty white color and everything smelled faintly of bleach.   Kuroo shook his head, trying to wake himself up.  Kei shouldn’t be here.  There was no way.  He always thought Kei’s childhood friend was a little off, maybe he was mistaken. Maybe he was playing some sort of sick joke.

Because there was no way Kei could be here.

“We have to wait.  I told his mom you were coming.  She’ll come out to get you, if she can. She was already in town on business…so…that’s good I guess…”

Kuroo groaned and plopped down in a cold plastic chair.  He didn’t want to wait anymore.  He needed to see him now.  Kuroo balled his hands into fists against his knees as Yamaguchi gingerly sat next to him.  He was never one for being touchy-feely with people he wasn’t close with, but feeling Yamaguchi’s hand rub shaky circles on his shoulders didn’t feel bad.  The freckly guy was Kei’s oldest friend, and even if they had never exchanged more than two sentences in the past, having someone else close to Kei near him was distantly comforting.

He wanted to ask how bad it was. But he couldn’t.

He wanted to ask if the guy driving the car had gotten arrested yet, but he couldn’t.

He had so many questions that he needed answered, but he couldn’t find the words to say them, hindered by a nasty dryness on his tongue.

Kuroo waited.

He knew what Kei’s mother looked like mostly because he looked so much like her.  The same soft, sloping nose, the same lips and eyes.  He even noticed once that the way her hair curls around her ears was exactly the same.  It wasn’t long before she emerged from the emergency room doors, face wet and eyes red.  Kuroo sprung up to meet her, still not able to form the right words.

She smiled slightly when she saw him, and quickly gave him a tight hug.  She only came up to just below his collarbone.  Kei had gotten all his height from his father.  She held him at arms-length as she pulled away, small fingers tightly gripping his bicep.

“He’s asleep again, and I don’t know if he’ll…” She quietly trailed off, but Kuroo knew what she meant and the possibility scared the shit out of him.  She swallowed loudly, pushing the thought back down her throat.  “He asked to see you as soon as he woke up the first time.  We’re only allowed two people back at a time, and Tadashi has graciously assured me that you’re the one he needs most.”

Kuroo nodded silently, letting Kei’s mother guide him back into the emergency room.  Each step forward was heavy, like he had a brick tied to each leg.  He didn’t want to be here.  The farther back they went, the closer he was to his new reality and he didn’t want it.  He wanted to turn around, back past the judgmental nurses who were giving Kei’s mother looks of pity as they passed.  He wanted to scream at them, to tell them to stop giving her those looks.  They didn’t know Kei like he did.  They didn’t know how strong and full of life he was.  There was no way, NO GODDAMN WAY that some stupid fucking driver was going to be the one to take him out.

They didn’t know anything.  They were a bunch of idiots and they didn’t know anything.

Kuroo’s chest felt heavy, like there was a hook pulling his heart out of his chest.  Where was he? Not in any of the beds concealed by curtains alone.  He wished he was, because he knew that the rooms that had their own doors were the bad ones.  You never wanted to be in those. And did they leave him alone?  If one of the doctors left him alone, Kuroo swore was going to wring the life out of him.  He needed somebody right now.  Anybody.

His mother said that her son needed Kuroo, and god did Kuroo need him too.

Kuroo drew in a rattling breath when he saw him.  His first thought was about the location of his glasses.  Kei didn’t look the same without his glasses.  Sure, he didn’t wear them in bed, but seeing the bright red gash under his right eye drew more attention to the fact that they were missing.  Kuroo tried to avoid thoughts about the tubes and wires.  There were so many.  Too many.  There were wires monitoring his breathing and heart rate, tubes providing extra oxygen and blood.  Kuroo knew they were a good thing, they were the things keeping Kei here but he didn’t like them.  It wasn’t fair, having him tied down like that.  It wasn’t fair when he had such a bright future ahead of him.  A future with Kuroo.

Kuroo choked down a sob as he took in all of his boyfriend’s injuries.  Most of his body was covered with a thin sheet, but both of his hands lay exposed by his sides.  Kuroo moved to the side with the least amount of wires, and wraps Kei’s left hand in his own.  There are little scratches all over his fingers, and it looks like the skin on his arm may have been stitched back up.  Kuroo swallowed thickly, trying to remain in control of his breathing as he willed Kei to wake back up.  His breathing was sharp and shallow, barely there at all.  Kuroo was afraid to hurt him worse.

Kuroo sits with him for ten minutes, his mother hovering over him with her hands on Kuroo’s shoulders.  Neither of them say anything as Kuroo rubs his thumb over the back of Kei’s hand.  Suddenly, the man in the bed inhales sharply, pain screwing up his eyes before his face relaxes and his eyes flutter open.  They were dull and cloudy, not their normal vibrant honey color.  They first focus in on his mother who is digging her nails into Kuroo’s shoulders, and then Kuroo.

Kuroo tries to make sure his voice doesn’t crack as he speaks.  “Hey, big guy.  How you feeling?”

Kei grumbles, his voice barely audible. “Shit.” He coughs loudly, his entire body shaking as he groans and lets his head settle back on the pillow.  He grips Kuroo’s hand weakly, nothing like the strong grasp that’s normally there.

“Yeah, I figured.  Hey, you know I love you right?  I just want to make sure you know in case-”

“Tetsurou.” Kei cuts him off, his voice far off and raspy, and there’s tears pricking in the corner of his eyes.  “Don’t, please.” 

“Yeah, sorry.”  Kuroo tries to laugh it off as he feels around in his pocket for the box.  “Well, regardless, I wanted to give this to you tonight.  Somebody was just late to our date.”

Kei frowned, an expression reminiscent of his normal scowl.

“Yeah, it’s just this.” Kuroo flips the box open, displaying the ring inside.  Kei scoffs quietly, rolling his eyes.  “What?”

Kei takes in a deep breath. “You’re not doing it right.”

“What? Are you serious?”

“Do it right.” Kuroo can see the corners of Kei’s mouth turn upwards, so he lets his hand go temporarily, pushing his chair back so that he can ‘do it right’.

Kuroo kneels down on what he is sure is a dirty hospital floor, and grabs Kei’s left hand again.  He’s not sure if Kei can actually see him from the position he’s lying at in bed, so he’s sure to make his voice loud enough.  He vaguely remembers his mother stepping to the other side of the bed, turning her back towards them as to give them some semblance of privacy.  There’s no way Kuroo would dare ask her to leave though.

“Tsukishima Kei.”  He hears his boyfriend hum softly from above him, and smiles at the soft sound.  Kuroo continues with the sappy practiced speech he’s been mulling over for the past week and a half.  “I’ve loved you for five years now.  We’ve been dating since your senior year of high school, and I’d be eternally grateful if you wanted to stay with me forever.  You’re absolutely gorgeous and perfect, and I’d be honored if you agreed to marry me.”

Kuroo waits until he hears Kei mumble a quiet “yeah” from above him before springing to his feet and pulling the ring out of the box.  He quickly slides the ring over Kei’s finger, being careful not to disturb the cuts as he places a kiss on the back of the ring.  Kuroo then reaches up, placing three sweet kisses on his face, one each on his nose, forehead and the corner of his mouth.  When he pulled away, he noticed Kei’s eyes were closed.

“Kei?”

He whistled through his teeth and intertwined his fingers with Kuroo’s.  “I’m going to sleep now.”

“It’s okay.”  Kuroo watched as his fiancé relaxed again, falling back into a drugged up sleep.  His breaths were even shallower than before, rough and ragged as though they were dragging along the inside of his lungs.  Kei’s mother comes alongside him again, placing one of her small hands over the top of theirs.

“Thank you.  You’ve looked over him so well for the past few years.  I know he’s been happy with you.”

Kuroo sticks out his bottom lip indignantly.  “I intend to keep looking after him.”  Kei’s mother gives him a sad smile before removing her hand.  She pushes Kuroo’s chair back behind him and instructs him to sit down.

“I want you to stay with him.”

Kuroo nods slightly, letting his head fall onto the railing of the hospital bed as he watches Kei sleep.

\---

The room is dark and it’s after midnight when he starts hearing an incessant beeping noise.  He doesn’t understand what’s happening as his hand is wrenched from his lover’s and he is roughly shoved into the hall to make room for more medical personnel in the room.  He doesn’t understand what the codes and protocols are that are being shouted back and forth between the doctors and nurses.

“No.”

Kuroo feels a hand grasping his shoulder and he immediately whips it away, trying to get back into the room.

“No!”

He can see Kei’s mother standing just inside the doorway as the hands hold him back.  Her hands are covering her mouth as she tries to muffle her sobbing.

“NO!”

Kuroo lurches forward but is immediately restrained by a pair of arms wrapping around his torso.  He can feel Yamaguchi’s wet face pressing in between his shoulder blades as he feels his body go limp.  Yamaguchi lowers the two of them to the ground, and Kuroo hears a nurse call the time as his knees hit the ground.

“No…”

Kuroo is sobbing now, as he grabs on to the back of Yamaguchi’s t-shirt.  He presses his forehead into the other man’s shoulder, letting out another choked cry as one by one, nurses and doctors leave the room.  One pauses in front of them, looking as if she wants to offer some sort of condolences, but bites her tongue before shuffling away.  Kuroo can vaguely hear Kei’s mother crying and knows he should say something, anything to comfort her.  He feels Yamaguchi pressing his shoulder, urging him to sit against the wall before he stands up and walks into the room.  He hears them exchange a few words, and Kei’s mother sobs louder before silence returns and Yamaguchi exits.  He kneels back down next to Kuroo and delicately places a hand on his arm.

“Do you want to see…?”

Kuroo violently shakes his head, making his vision spin as his eyes continue to cloud with tears.  What’s in that room is not Kei.  Kei was warm and soft and snored when he slept.  That body in the bed was cold and a few degrees too quiet.

Yamaguchi tugs at his arm, trying to get him off the ground. “Come on.”  Kuroo looks at Yamaguchi questioningly.  “We need to leave so his dad and brother can come back.  I’ll take you home, or you can come to my place if you want.”

Kuroo nods and lifts himself off the ground.  His legs feel heavy as he drags his feet back through the emergency room.  They pause at the entrance to the hospital to let a tall man and another man with the same blonde hair as Kei run past.  Yamaguchi mumbles something about who they were before hailing a cab.

“Where do you want to-”

“Home.”

Yamaguchi nods, instructing the driver where to go.  Kuroo has stopped crying, and only sits in stunned silence the entire ride home.  He hands Yamaguchi his keys, not trusting himself to not drop them back down the five flights of stairs.

The lights are bright inside the apartment.  He must have forgotten to turn them off when he left earlier.  Kuroo walks down the hallway, ignoring the closed bedroom door as he grabs Yamaguchi a set of pillows and blankets from the hallway closet.  He makes up the couch bed for the freckled man despite his protests.  Not knowing what to do next, Kuroo stands in the middle of the living room, watching the lights flicker over the window next to the door.

He hears Yamaguchi mumble something. “Huh?”

“Uhm, I said you should probably get some sleep.  I wouldn’t mind if you slept out here with me if that’s, uhm, easier.”

Kuroo shakes his head no and makes his way towards his bedroom.  His bedroom.  It wasn’t a their or our anymore.  He paused when he heard Yamaguchi speak again.

“I’ll be here if you need something.”

Kuroo quietly closed his bedroom door behind him.  He didn’t turn on any lights, not wanting to fully take in Kei’s absence yet.  He grabs Kei’s grey hoody from the back of his desk chair and buries his face in it before flopping down on the bed.

It still smells like him.  His sweet shampoo and cologne, along with just the base smell of his skin and sweat. Kuroo rolls onto his side and wraps it around himself.  It’s almost too hot with his arms in the sleeves and his nose pressed into the collar, but Kuroo doesn’t mind.  It’s the closest thing he has to receiving an actual embrace from his Kei.  He begins to sob again as he realizes the smell of Kei’s skin is already starting to slowly fade away into the fabric.  He didn’t want to lose him this early, it wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair.  All he wanted was to be able to hold on for just a little bit longer, absorbing every last bit of Kei’s self into his skin, but it was fading away into nothingness in the same way as Kei.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to go roll myself into a blanket burrito and try to forget what I've just done.


	16. I want to break you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 16 Prompt : I want to break you.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.
> 
> And I feel like this may need some sort of warning, so be aware. Mentions of abusive parents.

Tsukishima never could have imagined what he was getting himself into the first time he seriously interacted with Kuroo.  Sure, they had spent time together during practice matches and training camps but that never qualified as an honest, person to person interaction for Tsukishima.  It wasn’t like they were _friends_ or anything close to that.  They were just two guys who happened to be members of rival teams, and it was probably better that they stayed that way.  Tsukishima didn’t know why he agreed to meet him outside of that setting.

There were very few things that Tsukishima knew about Kuroo Tetsurou, and most of it was superficial information.  He was shorter than Tsukishima by a few centimeters, played in the same position, and always had awful bed hair.  His only discernable friend was Nekoma’s setter; Tsukishima wasn’t sure if he had friends other than the pudding head.  While he seemed to get on well enough with just about everybody from his team, there was always an air of “I’m the captain, and you’re my teammates”.  It was a fine line to be sure, seeing how well they all worked together, but Kuroo’s position and skill coupled with his shitty attitude seemed to set him apart from the rest of his team.

That was another thing Tsukishima had picked up on.  Kuroo was cocky, overconfident, obnoxious, and everything that normally annoyed him.  It _did_ annoy him.  Tsukishima wouldn’t be too far off the mark if he said he hated him, but seeing as Kuroo hadn’t actually done anything to him that warranted those kinds of feelings, he couldn’t put his usual snarkyness behind it.

Kuroo was also late.

Thirty minutes late to be precise.

He was just about to leave, get on the bus and go back home when he saw Kuroo casually strolling around the corner.  The dark haired teen looked positively unperturbed, as if he hadn’t left someone sitting on a bus bench for a half hour with no sign of whether he was actually coming or not.  He clapped Tsukishima on the shoulder as he stood up, same casual smirk plastered all over his face.

“Tsuki! How you doing, big guy?”

Tsukishima felt the corners of his mouth turn down in a scowl. “You’re late.”

“Eh?” Kuroo pulled out his phone and checked the time, faking an expression of concern.  “I’m _so_ sorry, Tsuki.”

“Whatever.  Let’s just go.”

Kuroo shrugged and started walking, leading the way to a nearby arcade where they played a few games before settling in at a table in the corner to order food.  Tsukishima had only been around him for about three hours, but he already decided on his next opinion of the other middle blocker.

Kuroo was an _ass_.

He only seemed to have one emotional level, and that was being perpetually critical and snide about everything.  Tsukishima was aware that he himself was similar in this manner, constantly picking and teasing at everyone around him, but he was also aware that his jerkish ways stemmed from the mindset that everything was either less than what it seemed, outright pathetic, or not worth investing his time in.  Tsukishima knew why many of his classmates considered him the jerk of the century, but what he couldn’t determine was why Kuroo seemed so adamant on making sure Tsukishima never wanted to spend time around him again.  Tsukishima continued to watch him throughout their meal, looking for any sign that maybe Kuroo was some semblance of nice underneath all that bullshit.

“What the fuck is your problem?”

Tsukishima nearly missed the fact that he had been addressed, so intent as he was at staring Kuroo down.  He raised an eyebrow and waited for Kuroo to repeat himself.

“If you keep making that face, it’ll get stuck like that.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Nah, dude, you look like you need to take a shit to get the crap out from between your ears.”

“And you’re disgusting.”

Kuroo crosses his arms in front of his chest and smirks.  Seriously, does he have another facial expression apart from pleased tomcat? “You act like the guys on your team don’t talk like that.”

“The heathens do.”  Tsukishima crosses his arms as well, mirroring Kuroo’s position.  “But I never participate.”

Kuroo gets distracted for a moment and whistles lowly at a girl walking past.  After she giggles and walks back to her group of friends, Kuroo turns back towards their table.  “You seriously need to _lighten up_ , man.  Live a little.”

Tsukishima scoffed and rolled his eyes.  “Oh what, like you?”

“ _Exactly_.”  Kuroo slapped a hand on the table and let out a loud sigh.  “So, Tsuki.  Let’s chat.”

“About what?”

“I don’t know…Don’t really know much about each other besides volleybullshit.  So, let’s go back and forth and see if we share any common interests besides position.”  Kuroo wiggled his eyebrows and winked, sticking his tongue out when Tsukishima groaned at the innuendo.

That’s how they spent the next hour; throwing basic questions at one another in order to ‘get to know’ each other.  The thought made Tsukishima gag a little bit, not one to ever really desire to know more about other people.  Tsukishima answered honestly, not having any reason to withhold information, but he noticed Kuroo wasn’t doing the same.  All of his answers were vague, not even really answers at all.  Tsukishima was fed up by the time he asked what Kuroo’s favorite band was.

“I mean, I don’t know.  I kind of like everything I guess.”

“Yes, that’s nice but it’s not what I asked.  I told you my favorite; you’re supposed to say yours.”

“Well, I like the one you said.”

“So, that’s your favorite.”

“Eh, not really.  They have some good stuff though.”

Tsukishima rubbed at his temple.  Kuroo was really starting to aggravate him.  “You are so vexing.”

Tsukishima was surprised when Kuroo frowned.  That was the first expression other than his smirk that had graced his face all afternoon.

“I should probably go.”  It was already starting to get late; he wanted to make sure he could get a train back home.

“You can stay with me if you don’t want to go back so soon.”  Kuroo wasn’t looking at him anymore, instead he was staring at his own hands resting on the table.

Tsukishima pulled out his phone, checking to see if he had any missed messages. “Nah.”

“C’mon, Tsuki.  You’ll get back home really late if you leave now.”

Tsukishima frowned, trying to determine if Kuroo was genuinely offering him a place to stay or if he was just teasing as always.  That was one of the things Tsukishima hated about interacting with Kuroo.  You could never determine the sincerity of his words.  In the end, he decided to accept the offer, genuine or not.  He didn’t really want to go home, anyway. Akiteru was visiting, and his father had just returned from a long business trip.  He’d probably just end up holed away in his room until those irritants calmed down.

They walked to Kuroo’s house in a semi-awkward silence.  Kuroo seemed to revel in it, for once not needing to talk about anything.  Tsukishima on the other hand was uncomfortable.  He twisted his hands inside his pockets and followed a couple of steps behind, not really wanting to draw Kuroo into another conversation, but also not wanting this damnable silence to go on for much longer.  He still felt like he didn’t know _anything_ about the other boy, despite spending what was clocking on five hours with him.  He didn’t understand how Kuroo was so closed off.  He normally seemed so easy going, quickly getting to know other people despite his irritating personality.  Tsukishima started to wonder if his smug, self-assured attitude was a front for something.

Maybe Kuroo was afraid to open up to him for some reason.  There was no way Kuroo could be that much of a butt all the time.

Tsukishima wanted to find out, if only to have something to hold over Kuroo’s head in the future.

He wanted to break him, to find out what he was hiding behind that arrogant grin.

The pair arrived at the Kuroo household just as the sun was beginning to set.  It was a humble two story residence, with a few empty flower pots on the front step.  Kuroo was quick to drag him inside and upstairs to his bedroom, though Tsukishima didn’t know why.  It didn’t seem like anyone else was home.

“Where are you parents?”

Tsukishima watched as Kuroo’s shoulder’s tensed. “Uh, I don’t know.”

He sighed as he sat in Kuroo’s desk chair, spinning around to watch Kuroo putting his jacket in the closet.  “Are they going to be home at all tonight?”

“I don’t know.”

“How do you not know? Do they not tell you where they’re going to be?  Do they really just leave their kid alone without any-”

“I said I don’t know!”  Tsukishima winced as Kuroo snapped at him.  Kuroo let out a long sigh and mumbled a quick apology.  He ran a hand through his hair as he tried to recompose himself.  “Wanna play a game or something?”

Tsukishima nodded quietly, almost afraid to set Kuroo off.  He had never seen Kuroo react so emotionally towards anything, always so composed despite his teasing. Kuroo slid to the floor in front of his TV, gesturing that Tsukishima should sit on the floor in front of his bed.  Kuroo crawled over to where Tsukishima was sitting after he had set the game on the screen.  He handed Tsukishima a controller and began to explain how to play.

“Yeah, I have this game. I know what to do. I’ll cover your back.”  It was a pretty simple war game, and they sat in relative silence while they played.  Every once in a while, Kuroo would give him a direction and Tsukishima would follow.  He still felt as if something was off with the other boy ever since he mentioned Kuroo’s parents, yet didn’t feel like pressing the issue.

After about 45 minutes of playing, Tsukishima hears a door downstairs slam open.  Kuroo flinches and unintentionally presses closer to Tsukishima.  The blonde jumps at the contact, dropping the controller out of his hands.

Kuroo gives him a sheepish grin. “Sorry, it’s just that I think my dad’s home and-”

“TETSUROU!”

Tsukishima can see Kuroo cringe at the heated use of his given name.

“Uhm, I’ll be right back. Stay there.”

Tsukishima can hear Kuroo’s pounding footsteps as he runs down the stairs.  He can also hear shouting, loud and angry voices yelling about god knows what.  He can’t hear Kuroo’s voice, just who he assumes is Kuroo’s father.  Tsukishima fidgets uncomfortably on the floor as he waits for Kuroo to return.  He starts to wonder if this is the reason that Kuroo acts the way he does.

Tsukishima looks up from his seat on the floor when he hears the door clack open.  Kuroo quickly closes and locks it, turning the volume down on the television before returning to his seat beside Tsukishima.

“What was-”

“We gotta stay upstairs now,” Kuroo cuts him off as he takes his controller in his hands again. Tsukishima notices his fingers are shaking against the black plastic and his knuckles are white from gripping it so hard.  His gaze turns to Kuroo’s face.  The older boy’s lips are pursed into a straight line and there are very uncharacteristic frown wrinkles on his forehead.  His eyes are darker than normal and devoid of all the mocking smugness they usually possess.

Tsukishima reaches out catiously and lays a hand on Kuroo’s arm. When the other boy doesn’t pull away, he speaks.

“Are you okay?”

Kuroo shakes his head slightly, ridding himself of whatever thoughts he had been thinking. “Huh? Oh, yeah.  Just got some issuuuuues…” Kuroo’s voice drawls off and he runs his tongue over his chapped lips.

“I see.”  Tsukishima removes his hand as Kuroo unpauses their game.  After a few minutes of playtime, he says, “I won’t tell anyone if you need to talk about something.”

Kuroo pounds his thumb down and a head explodes on screen. “Nah, I’m fine.  I talk about stuff like that with Kenma.”  Kuroo curses under his breath as his character dies.  “Just, thanks for staying the night I guess.”

Tsukishima sets his controller down as Kuroo shows no signs of starting a new game.  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Kenma normally stays over on the weekends…”  Kuroo pulls at the hair at the base of his neck and draws a heavy breath in through his nose.  “It’s easier if someone’s here sometimes.”

“Because of…” Tsukishima nods at the door.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Kuroo fusses with the collar of his shirt before lying down on his back.  “I’m not really allowed to go anywhere on the weekend nights if it’s not for school.  So Kenma comes here.  It’s easier just to listen to him than deal with his bad moods.”

Tsukishima nods and turns so that he can look Kuroo in the face easier.  “What did you do to set him off tonight?”

“Oh, that was a good mood.”  Kuroo was staring up at the ceiling, watching the fan slowly turn as Tsukishima sat over him.  “Sorry for coercing you into this.”

“You didn’t ‘coerce’ me.”  Tsukishima flicked a finger against Kuroo’s cheek, feeling satisfied when he saw the corner of Kuroo’s mouth twitch.  “You could have told me, I wouldn’t of said no.”

“Oh you so would have.”

Tsukishima scoffed and pinched Kuroo’s nose.  “I may be an asshole, but I’m not cruel.”

“Whatever, dude.”  Kuroo turns over, resting his head against Tsukishima’s knee. He nuzzles against it gently, and Tsukishima is once again surprised by his behavior.  “Just, thanks.  I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.  Can we just go to bed?”

Tsukishima nods, accepting a pair of Kuroo’s shorts to change into.  They change in front of each other, Kuroo warning against stepping into the hallway until morning, and they settle into Kuroo’s bed which he claims is big enough for two.

Tsukishima has so many questions.  He wanted to break Kuroo, to learn what lay beyond the wall of his personality.  But now he was afraid to know the answers.  Where was his mom?  Is that little scar underneath his chin from an accident or from his father?  What was his dad like when he wasn’t in his ‘good mood’? How could Kuroo live like this?

Tsukishima let his questions go unasked as he listened to Kuroo fall asleep next to him.  When his breathing finally evens out, Tsukishima flips over to watch him.  His face is much more relaxed than he’s ever seen it, no sly grins or twisted frowns or anything.  Tsukishima thought that this was the purest he’d ever seen Kuroo, unguarded and open to inspecting eyes and finally he understood. 

Kuroo was vulnerable here.

Here, alone with his father, he was afraid.

He put up a front to the rest of the world, hoping they would perceive him as strong and not look past the façade.

Tsukishima thought he wanted to break him, to tear him apart and destroy his faked face. 

But you can’t destroy a person who’s already been broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still sorry about yesterday? I wish I could soften the pain a little today, but this is what you get. I'm going to go hide in my blanket fort again.


	17. I wish I didn't love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 17 Prompt : I wish I didn't love you.
> 
> Surprise! This chapter is a continuation of Days 4 and 13! Make sure you read those first.

Tsukishima wasn’t sure how long he had been standing in the doorway to his bedroom.  He just noticed that his mouth was starting to taste nasty and dry, probably from hanging open in stunned silence.  He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times to rewet it before moving to lie down on his bed.

Or, on what used to be his and Kuroo’s bed.

He wasn’t entirely sure what had just happened.  Kuroo had come in while he was studying, said he was leaving, and that was it.  Not really any explanations other than the fact that everything about Tsukishima infuriated Kuroo.  He didn’t even get the chance to defend himself, to promise Kuroo that he would do better.  That he could be better and that he could be someone that Kuroo would want.

But Kuroo didn’t want him.

The last thing he said before storming out still rang in Tsukishima’s ears like a gunshot.

_“I need to want you.  And I don’t.”_

What did that even _mean_?  Tsukishima didn’t know.  He guessed that the only way to take it was how Kuroo said it.

Kuroo needed someone to need him.  Someone who would be there for him all the time.  Someone who needed to be around him all the time.

Tsukishima knew he couldn’t be that.  But he thought Kuroo understood that too.

He didn’t want Kuroo to leave.  He wanted to do something, anything to make him stay.  He wanted to grab him and kiss him and tell him he never wanted him to leave.  But he could see it in Kuroo’s eyes.  There was a deadness he never noticed before.  A hitch in his movements every time Kuroo saw that Tsukishima was close enough to touch him.  Tsukishima wondered how long those cues had been there.  How long he had been missing them.  He could now clearly see how desperately Kuroo wanted to leave, and he couldn’t make him stay.  It would have been selfish to force him.  And Tsukishima guessed he had already hurt him enough as it was.

He just didn’t _understand_.

Tsukishima ran the last year over in his head.  Every single scrap and fight and irritant Kuroo had brought up, no matter how minor.  But nothing amounted to _this_.  He couldn’t think of one instance that would make Kuroo so desperate that he would want to leave.

Kuroo had said it had been everything.  What if it wasn’t something particular he had done?  What if it was just Tsukishima himself, his personality, his habits, that had been the thing to drive Kuroo away?

Tsukishima felt like he was going to be sick.  He could feel it tumbling around in his stomach like a wave, pulsing up and out of his throat until he could do nothing but sob into the pillow.  He didn’t actually get sick, but the pain in his heart was as close to a physical illness as anything.

Tsukishima rolled over so that he could pull his phone out of his pocket.  He was met with a glaring image of Kuroo, one he had taken when Kuroo was hovering over him in bed, his upper body bare and a feline grin plastered all over his face.  He quickly sent the picture away by opening up his contact list, scrolling down until he found his oldest friend’s number.

He remembered how Kuroo had brought Yamaguchi up during his exit.  He wasn’t sure what Kuroo thought about his negligence of maintaining a long-distance friendship, but Tsukishima knew Yamaguchi understood.  At least, that’s what he said when Tsukishima accidently forgot to call him on his birthday a few weeks ago.  Tsukishima had two major exams that day, as well as a term paper due the next, and the only birthday he celebrated other than his own simply slipped his mind.  Tsukishima had apologized, and Yamaguchi replied in his typical cheerful and benevolent way.  He knew Yamaguchi would be the only one to help him now.

Yamaguchi picked up on the second ring, even though it was after 10 o’clock.  His friend was always a little old man when it came to sleep.

“Tsuki!  How are you?  I hope you’re doing well and keeping-”

“Yamaguchi.”  Tsukishima was ashamed that his voice cracked as he spoke.  He quickly rubbed the back of his hand against his eyes, hoping his tears would stop soon.

“Tsuki? What’s wrong?  Are you okay?” Yamaguchi was always so perceptive.

“Can you come over?”

“What?  Not tonight, Tsuki.  I have things to-”

“Tomorrow?”

“Huh? Yeah, after classes are over I think I can…It’ll be the weekend so, I guess I can spend the night, right?”

Tsukishima nodded to himself, even though he knew Yamaguchi couldn’t see him. “Thank you.”

“Tsuki, you can tell me if something’s wrong.”

Tsukishima coughed, clearing his throat so he could speak without stuttering.  “Yeah, it’s just.  Kuroo left.”

“What?” Yamaguchi sounded confused.  “Like, left for the weekend? Lonely, Tsuki?”

“No. He’s not coming back.”

“Oh.” 

Tsukishima didn’t know what else to say, so he just waited for Yamaguchi to say something else.

“Are you okay?”

Tsukishima scoffed, rolling over so he was facing the wall.  There was nothing to remind him of Kuroo in the blank paint.  “Not really.”

“Oh, Tsuki, I’m sorry.  I wish I could come tonight, but it’s over two hours by train and I-”

“It’s okay.  I understand.  Thank you.”  Tsukishima hung up before Yamaguchi could respond.  He closed his eyes and let out a long sigh, not sure what to do next.  He supposed he could sleep.  That seemed like the much more viable option, as opposed to staying up all night bawling into his pillow.

He should have showed Kuroo more of his emotions.  It was a cruel change of fate for him to finally decide that he should bare his heart to an empty room.

\----

He didn’t go to class the next day.  He couldn’t find the motivation to get out of bed, much less get up to take a shower and go to school.  Tsukishima spent the day falling in and out of sleep.  Sometimes when he was awake, he’d cry.  Sometimes, he’d feel empty and hollow.  Mostly he felt lonely.

Yamaguchi arrived a little after six o’clock.  He had a spare key to the apartment, so he let himself in when Tsukishima didn’t answer the door. He found his friend curled up under the blankets in his dark bedroom.

“Tsuki?”  Tsukishima felt the bed shift as Yamaguchi sat down next to him.  He lets his friend lean over and give him a hug around his back before he sits up and rubs the gross combination of sleep and tears out of his eyes.  Yamaguchi reaches over to turn on a lamp and grab Tsukishima’s glasses.  “Have you been sleeping all day?”

Tsukishima nodded and ran a hand through his hair.  He felt disgusting, even though it was barely a day since he had last taken a shower.

“Do you want to go get something to eat?  You’ll feel better if you get out of this apartment…”

“No.”  Tsukishima shook his head, fisting a hand in the sheet that lay over his legs.  “I just wanna stay here.  He’s coming back tomorrow to get stuff. We can go out then.”

Yamaguchi nodded, and scooted farther onto the bed so that he was sitting knee to knee with Tsukishima.  “Want to talk about it?”

Tsukishima shrugged and pressed his back against the wall.  “I guess.”

Yamaguchi waited a few seconds before speaking in case Tsukishima decided he wanted to talk without prompting.  When his blonde friend said nothing, he tried again.  “Did he say why he left?”

“Everything.”

Yamaguchi raised an eyebrow in confusion.  “Everything?”

“Yeah.”

“What does that mean?”

“He just said it was everything about me.  He said I look down at people, and try to control everything, and that I’m basically just a shit person.  He said I wasn’t giving him what he needed.”  Tsukishima stared down at his hands as he spoke.  “I just, I don’t understand.  I thought we were happy.  _I_ was happy.”

“Oh, Tsuki.”  Yamaguchi nestled closer so he could wrap an arm around Tsukishima’s shoulders.  “I don’t mean to sound like I’m attacking you, but that’s always been one of your problems.  You’re not very aware of how other people are feeling.”

Tsukishima bowed his head, allowing Yamaguchi to pull him closer.  “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

“You’ll be okay.  I promise.  I’ll come here every weekend until you think you’re okay.”

“I don’t know, Yamaguchi.”

“Huh? What do you mean, Tsuki?”

Tsukishima snorted, shaking the arm off of his shoulder as he turned away.  He could feel fresh tears burning in his eyes.  “I can’t imagine this ever being okay.”

“Tsuki…” Yamaguchi reached a hand over to rub Tsukishima’s arm, but it was quickly slapped away.

“You don’t understand. You’ve never been in an actual relationship.”

“Tsuki, I-”

“No. You haven’t.”  Tsukishima almost felt bad for snapping at him.  He knew his voice was getting louder, causing Yamaguchi to shrink away.  “You don’t know what it’s like to be with someone like that.  You’ve never loved someone like this.  So you can’t say that ‘it’ll be okay’ like you actually know what I’m going through.”

Tsukishima hears Yamaguchi swallow thickly, pushing down whatever words he had been about to say before Tsukishima snapped.  He reaches out again and takes Tsukishima’s hand, not budging when Tsukishima tries to shake him off.  “You’re right, Tsuki.  I don’t know what it’s like.  But I know you, and that’s enough for me to think that you will be okay.”  Yamaguchi lightly gave his hand a squeeze.  “I know you love him, Tsuki.”

“I wish I didn’t.”

“Oh, Tsuki.”  Yamaguchi wraps him in a hug again, pressing Tsukishima’s face into his shoulder.  Tsukishima could feel the choking tears well up in his eyes again as he let out a quiet sob.  He felt his friend’s small hands patting a soothing rhythm into his back as he let out a soft groan.

“This fucking sucks.”

“I know, Tsuki.” Yamaguchi’s hands stilled as he gave Tsukishima a tight squeeze.  “But, just so you know. You’re not a shit person like Kuroo-san said.  Just because you’re not what he wants, doesn’t mean you deserved to have all of those bad things said to you.  Someday someone will appreciate you for who you are.  Don’t try to change yourself to get him to come back.”

“Yamaguchi…” Tsukishima said his name in a half-hearted warning.

“Promise me, Tsuki.”  Yamaguchi pulled back, holding Tsukishima’s shoulders at arms-length. “It’s going to hurt for a while, since you do love him.  But one day, you’ll see that maybe your relationship wasn’t as great as you thought it will be.  Or maybe you’ll be able to look back on it with fond memories.  But you’ll just end up hurting yourself worse if you try to change yourself into something you’re not.”

“Yamaguchi.”

“What is it, Tsuki?”

“Shut up.”

Yamaguchi laughed as he watched Tsukishima’s mouth turn up in a small smile at one of the corners.  Tsukishima knew he was right.  He hated that Yamaguchi knew him so well as to know exactly what to say even under the most emotional circumstances.  Tsukishima knew he truly loved Kuroo, and even though he never said it aloud before now, it would still take him a while to overcome this blow.  He knew he would never change himself to suit someone else’s needs, even if that person was someone like Kuroo.  He just wished that he didn’t love him so much, because that would at least make this easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's be honest, I'd kill for a best friend like Yamaguchi! I had to scrap this first draft of this prompt because I accidentally wrote TsukiYama instead of KuroTsuki. OI. So hopefully you can see they are just friends and Tsuki is VERY UPSET about Kuroo. Okay? Okay.
> 
> And if you follow me on Tumblr, you may have already seen this post but....I'll put it here too for safe keeping. : 
> 
> I just finished writing day 20 of my KuroTsuki Unlove Challenge. That means, I only have 6 more prompts left to write. This was supposed to be a 30 day challenge, but the last 4 days are meant to be “Author’s Choice”. The whole reason I started this in the first place was because I’m terrible and can’t come up with prompts on my own. ಥ⌣ಥ
> 
> I’m leaving the forum open. If you’ve been reading my Unlove Challenge and would like to help me out, please leave me a prompt in my ask/sumbit on tumblr (url dreyars) or as a comment here on AO3. If I don’t get prompts the challenge will end on day 26 instead of day 30. And I want to go the full 30 days for all my KuroTsuki babies~
> 
> Just a few things :
> 
> 1.If you want to help, try to keep the prompt below 10 words long. Think of it as a line Kuroo or Tsukishima might say to each other.  
> 2\. Keep KuroTsuki in mind!  
> 3\. Also, this is the Unlove Challenge so try to keep it dysfunctional~
> 
> I can’t guarantee I’ll use it (or if Ill even keep it in the same ball park as what you intended)
> 
> But if you have a KuroTsuki fic that you’ve been wanting, please stop on by and pitch your idea to me. I’ll do my best! ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ


	18. I pity you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 18 Prompt : I pity you.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.

There’s a lot to be said about someone who has no motivation in life.  There are also many questions about why exactly they are the way they are.  For what purpose do they exist?  Who hurt them so terribly that they believe the only way to live is to simply exist, with no desire or drive to actually achieve something.  Kuroo couldn’t understand that mindset and he couldn’t understand why Tsukishima even bothered to involve himself in anything if he wasn’t going to put forth any effort into it.  The only thing he tried in was school, but Kuroo suspected that was probably due to his parent’s efforts as opposed to his own.

Kuroo watched him, trying to figure out what was going on behind that blank face.  Tsukishima was lying on Kuroo’s floor, head propped on a pile of laundry that had not yet been put away.  His knees were bent and his laptop propped against his thighs.  Whatever he had been doing for the last hour and a half was apparently not very exciting, as Tsukishima’s face had not shifted from the vague look of disinterest that furrowed his brow and made his lower lip stick out in a slight pout.  Kuroo was sitting on his bed, back resting against the wall and physics homework on his lap.  He wished Tsukishima would say something, maybe an “I’m bored” or an “are you almost done?” Anything but this silence that led Kuroo to believe that maybe Tsukishima didn’t even want to be here.  It kind of hurt, thinking that his boyfriend didn’t care one way or the other, but mostly Kuroo pitied him.

He wanted to know what it was like to live with no passion of any kind.  Was it empty?  Hollow and cold and depressing like an unfilled grave?  Kuroo suspected it was a little bit like being dead, as he could remember only one time in his life that he just didn’t care about anything.  It was when his parents divorced when he was in middle school and he spent a month with barely enough strength to make it out of bed in the morning, much less go to practice or school.  He hated it; the empty, dead feeling of having an anchor chained to his heart.  He was glad that his friends finally got him out of that funk, and appreciated them even more for it.  As far as he knew, Tsukishima only had one friend besides himself, and try as he might, he could never get the blonde boy to engage himself seriously in anything.  He guessed it was because Tsukishima had already dug himself so far under the surface of caring that not even he could reach him.  Kuroo couldn’t imagine what it was like to live that way for years.

Kuroo set his homework to the side, satisfied that it had completed sufficiently, before flopping onto his belly to lean over Tsukishima on the floor.

“What are you doing?”

When Tsukishima didn’t answer him, Kuroo plucked the headphones off his blonde head and flicked him in the ear. Tsukishima quickly whipped around, making a grab for the headphones before turning to scowl up at Kuroo.  “What the heck are you doing?”

“Wanna go eat?”  Kuroo’s stomach had started rumbling a while ago, but didn’t say anything because it looked like Tsukishima was comfortable being a fixture in his room.

Tsukishima shrugged, reaching out to snatch his headphones out of Kuroo’s hands.  He quickly replaced them around his neck before answering.  “Not really.”

Kuroo reaches over and runs a hand through the wavy mess of Tsukishima’s hair.  “Oh, come on.  I’ll buy you shortcake on the way back.”

“Not interested.”

Kuroo sighs and swings his legs around so they’re hanging off the side of the bed. “Why’d you even come over today, anyway?”

Tsukishima peels his eyes away from the computer screen and said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, “You asked me to.”

“You could’ve said no, Tsuki.”

“Well, it’s not like I didn’t not want to.  I just didn’t really want to either.”

Kuroo rolls his shoulders as he tried to understand Tsukishima’s words.  “That doesn’t make any sense.”

The younger boy turned his head back towards the screen and clicked his nails against the keyboard.  “It just means I probably wouldn’t have come if you didn’t ask.”

Kuroo blows a puff of air up his face to shift some of his hair away from his eyes.  “That’s a real nice thing to say to your boyfriend.”

“What do you want me to say? I’m just being honest.”

“Whatever, dude.” Kuroo lets his upper body fall back, dropping back down into his sheets.  He feels Tsukishima flick his knee and looks down to see him propping his chin on Kuroo’s thigh.

“What’s your problem?”

Kuroo sighs and reaches down to run a hand down the side of Tsukishima’s face.  “It’s kind of sad watching you go around all the time not caring about anything.  And it’s frustrating listening to you say you wouldn’t even bother come to see me if I didn’t ask.  It’s just a dumb way to live.”

Tsukishima crawled up until his chin was pressing into Kuroo’s stomach.  “I don’t question the way you live.”

“Well that’s because I don’t live in a way that makes me want to claw my eyes out.” Kuroo watches Tsukishima’s mouth turn in a frown and he almost regrets bringing the subject up at all.

“Well neither do I.”  Tsukishima pulls himself on the bed, leaving his headphones and laptop on the floor.  “I don’t think I understand what brought this on.  Why are you suddenly concerned with this aspect of my personality?  You knew how I was like before you asked me out in the first place.”

“I just don’t understand why you act like that.”  Kuroo sits up, letting a hand rest on Tsukishima’s thigh.  “You don’t get excited about anything.”

“I never really have anything around me that’s worth excitement.”

“And you never act like you care about anything.  You seem to not even really care about us when you say bullshit like that.”

“I do care, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Yeah.  I’ve just been hurt before, and opening myself up, by showing people I care, I’m left open to people hurting me again.  It’s not worth it.”

Kuroo sighed and ran a hand over his stomach.  “Well, I’m still hungry.  You sure you don’t want to go get food?”

“Might as well.”

Kuroo watched Tsukishima carefully.  He really wasn’t satisfied with the answer Tsukishima had given him.  It left so many possibilities open that Kuroo didn’t like dwelling on.  What if Tsukishima really didn’t care about Kuroo?  What if he was only here because he felt like he had to be?  He still felt like the way Tsukishima was choosing to express his emotions, or lack of emotions, was very maladaptive and wouldn’t work for him in the future.

Kuroo pitied him as much as he cared about him.  He wanted to be the one to finally light a spark in Tsukishima’s eyes, to be the one to get him to break and show some sort of feeling.  But as he was now, Kuroo couldn’t see this lasting.  He knew he needed someone to love him, and to assure him and to just be with him.  Sure, Tsukishima was with him physically whenever he asked, but it was more like he was just there as opposed to actually being with him.  Maybe Kuroo just didn’t understand what was really going on in Tsukishima’s head.  He had a feeling that the reason for Tsukishima’s guardedness was because he had been left vulnerable and hurt before, but Tsukishima never felt it necessary to grace him with the details.  Kuroo wanted to help him overcome that past, to maybe one day make everything right for him.  But that was never the right thing to do.  It would be unfair for Kuroo to try to change him, just because he was unsatisfied.  For now, Kuroo could only wait in silence and enjoy his company, hoping that one day Tsukishima would come to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (~￣ω￣)~


	19. This isn't about you at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 19 Prompt : This isn't about you at all.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.

Kei,

No one ever tells you when you’re a kid how hard it can be to live inside your own head.  When you’re little, everything’s gumdrops and kittens and cartoons and scraped knees, and nothing you could ever imagine really compares to what your actual future is going to be.  You could have the shittiest life ever, with asshole parents and cruel friends, but most of the time you wouldn’t know the difference between your life and the next because you still get to see the flowers in that old lady’s garden on your way home.  Kids think that everyone’s life is the same as theirs, that their family is the same and that everyone is in the same situation as them.  They start thinking that the way their abusive parents act is the proper way to show affection.  Because in all honesty, kids are fucking idiots.  I was an idiot, and I probably still am.  Kids don’t know any better, and will love their parents until they start realizing that ‘hey, the way my shit dad treats me isn’t the way my best friend’s dad treats him.’  And then it’s like a fucking train wreck, everything crashes around you and your glass view of your family shatters above your head.  It hits you on the way down and scars you for life.  Then your parents get divorced and your mom leaves you behind and you’ve got no choice but to suck it up, save money, and wait.

I’m still waiting, though I’m almost at the end of my sentence.

I probably should have told you from the beginning how much baggage I was carrying.  I should’ve told you during our first date, or even the day I asked you out.  But I didn’t and now you’re paying the consequences.

So for that, Kei, I’m sorry.

I never told you that you can’t walk up behind me in the dark, or I’ll be very likely to sock you in the jaw.  You learned that the hard way the first time you spent the night at my house.  Even though I apologized like crazy, and you said it wouldn’t be okay until the bruise went away, I still feel like shit every time I think about hurting you.  And that’s only the physical pain.  I still think about the shock in your eyes as you sat on the ground, and the tears pricking in the corners, the ones that you’d never admit to.  I tried to explain it, and I couldn’t get the words out.  You said you understood, but I don’t think you really do. You were always more careful around me at night though.

I promised you that I would never hurt you again, but I guess my family just likes to breed liars.

I know I’ve made you cry more times than I can count on my fingers, and more times than you’ll ever willingly admit to.  I know you blame yourself in more ways than one.  You have asked me before, “why am I not good enough?”  And I know you’re the one that’s hurting, but when you said that it felt like a rabid dog was tearing at the inside of my chest.

Because I knew I was the one who has done this to you.  I made you doubt yourself when you have no reason to.

Because you’re perfect in every way I can imagine, and I made you feel like you weren’t good enough for me.

In fact, you’re too good for me.  I can’t imagine a life where I would deserve someone like you.  You’re great, the single greatest thing to ever happen to me.

But I’m a piece of shit.  I’m broken in every way you’re amazing.  Every issue we’ve ever had isn’t your fault, in fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.  It all stems from me and my ignorance.  I don’t know how to treat someone like you right.  I’ve never had a serious relationship with a guy, or girl for that matter, before you.  Sure, I fucked around a lot, but you knew that before I even told you.  I guess I just don’t know how to open up to you very well.  That’s a shitty excuse, but that’s really what it is.  Before you, I’ve never really had anyone who actually cared about what was going on inside my head.  Before she left, my mom was either at work or drunk.  And well, unfortunately you’ve met my dad.  You know I can’t tell him jack shit.  Luckily, I do know you understand that much, what I have to live with every day.  I mean, I know it hurts you to have to hide ourselves when you’re at my place.  But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell him.  I wouldn’t doubt it if he actually tried to kill me if I told him.  I was out with him one day, picking up groceries, and we saw these two middle school boys holding hands in the snack aisles. I felt so bad from the way my dad shouted at them, and it made me realize how alone I was in this house.  It was before I met you.

What about Kenma?  I don’t know.  Kenma’s great, he’s my oldest friend.  But he doesn’t actively provide an open forum for my pity party.  He does always have a space on his bedroom floor for me, but that’s it.  He’ll listen to me talk, but he doesn’t show the same attentiveness that you do.  I wouldn’t trade Kenma for anything, but I’m glad you’re here now too.

Sometimes I think it’s unfair to drag you through my bullshit with me.  I sort of wish I could have met you after high school, when we’re both in college, trying to figure out what life is supposed to be like outside the confines of our family.  You’ll be learning how to live without your mother hovering over your every need and how to do things without the 100% support of your family.  I’ll be learning how to find myself.  I wonder what it will be like, not having to worry about hiding myself.  I’m so tired of having to tuck away one of the biggest parts of myself, of having to conceal my relationship with you.  I hate that we can’t do normal couple stuff when you come to visit me in Tokyo, simply because if one of my father’s coworkers saw us I’d probably never get to see you again.  That’s one reason I envy you.  Your family is so loving and accepting and whole.  You don’t have to worry about putting up a front in their presence.  You can just be you and we can be us and it’s great.  I love coming to visit you in Miyagi because it gives me a reprise from everything shitty in my life.

But I don’t blame you.  I never want you to think that, because this isn’t about you.  It’s about me and all my problems.

Speaking of putting up faces, I am so grateful that you told me you hated my smirk.  You said it looked fake, like I was hiding something.  And I probably was, thinking about every time I’ve used it.  It covers up my cruel thoughts, my self-deprecating ideologies, my fears and my hates, and everything I never wanted you to see.  Maybe I should let you see what lies behind it a little bit more often.  That way you could decide for yourself if you want to leave or not.

Kei, you know this, but it’s better if I go ahead and admit this.  I’m selfish.  I’m so selfish that despite how badly I’ve hurt you and despite the horrific number of times that I’ve made you cry, I can’t let you go.  I know it would probably be healthier for you to be out of this relationship, and if you wanted to leave I wouldn’t stop you.  I may be selfish but I’m not cruel.  It’s just, I need you.  I need you more than you can probably comprehend based on the way I’ve been acting.  I’ve been a complete and total ass, and you deserve so much more than that.  You deserve someone that can make you smile and make you excited and happy.  I don’t want you to dread coming to see me, rather, you deserve someone who you’ll look forward to being with.  But like I said, I’m selfish, so I won’t let you go until you tell me too.

I‘m also sorry for blocking you out.  You asked if I was upset during our video chat last night, and I gave probably the most pissy, assholeish remark I’ve ever heard come out of my own mouth.  I know that hurt you, and I’m sorry.  I wish I knew how to be better for you.  I wish I could just tell you how I’m feeling when I call you me up and for you to tell me to cut it out because I’m being too sappy.  I wish I could tell you how I feel about you, that I love you, without the cutting edge of sarcasm in my voice.  I know you don’t think any of my emotions are sincere and I wish you did.  It hurts, knowing that you don’t think I care about you.  That you think I only want you for the entertainment value and that one day I’ll just leave you on the side of the road like we haven’t been dating for months.  There’s a lot of things I wish I could do better, and one day, hopefully I can.  But just know, I don’t blame you for my own inadequacies.  This isn’t about you, Kei.  I don’t want you to be hurt by any of the things I’ve said.  I don’t even know if I’ll be able to give this letter to you the next time I see you.  I wish I was stronger so that you could have someone to rely on when you don’t feel good about yourself, but I can’t be that right now.

Just know this, while the way I act may not be because of you, the reason I’m stronger than I was before is.  I used to be so weak.  I bet you didn’t know that I have a couple of ways out still stuffed under my mattress from before I met you.  There’s a knife, in case I’m feeling stupid and want to see red.  I don’t remember where I got them from, but there’s a bottle of pills there too.  And of course the spare key to the gun safe tucked under my dad’s bed.  I nearly got rid of them all one day, because I’m starting to feel like I don’t need that option anymore.  But I couldn’t get rid of them yet.  I probably won’t be able to while I’m still living under my bastard father’s roof.  But I want you to know, the day I nearly threw all that shit away was after our second date.  You remember, the one where you got mad at me because I kept trying to kick you under the table and so you flicked some of your dessert at me and it landed in that lady’s hair?  We laughed so hard that we got kicked out of the restaurant and the lady’s boyfriend came chasing after us for 5 blocks until we hid behind a display case in a flower shop.  That was the first time you let me kiss you and let me tell you.  I think it was then that I knew I loved you.  That you were going to be the one to give me life and hope and desire for a brighter future.

I don’t want this to be about you.  And I don’t want this to be about me either.  I want everything from now on to be about us.  The reason I do things, the reason I strive to be a better person isn’t because that’s what you need or because I need to be better than I am now.  It’s because I want us to be together for as long as possible.  I just want you to know that I do love you, despite my actions.  And I hope you can start to see that you love me too.

Tetsurou.

\------

Kuroo looked down at the notebook in his hands, at the letter he had just written and ripped the paper out.  He quietly gets out of bed, careful to not disturb his sleeping boyfriend, and shuffles to the kitchen with the papers in in hand.  His dad never came home last night, as expected, so he didn’t have to worry about leaving Tsukishima in his room alone.  When he was here, he made sure Tsukishima came with him everywhere, whether it be to the living room or the kitchen or outside in the backyard.  Kuroo balled the paper up in his hands and set it in the sink, searching around in a drawer for an almost empty cigarette lighter.  There were no smoke detectors in the kitchen, well, at least none with batteries, so he didn’t worry as he flicked the starter and watched the flame light up.  He ran his finger through it, the warmth tickling his calloused skin before he tipped it over, letting the paper catch and burn.  He watches it for a few seconds, the paper curling and twisting as it turns from white to black before he hears a little shuffling noise from behind him.

Tsukishima is standing there, dressed in a spare set of Kuroo’s clothes, hair squished flat on one side and face turned down in a frown.  He isn’t wearing his glasses and squints through the bright kitchen light as he scoots up behind Kuroo, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his chin on Kuroo’s shoulder.

“What are you doing?” His voice is thick and still drowsy from sleep.

“Just burning an old test that my dad doesn’t need to see.”  Kuroo flicks the faucet on, and what’s left of the charred paper washes down the drain. “Where’s your glasses?”

“’m not awake yet.”

“Oh, you’re not?”

“No,” Tsukishima grumbles, rubbing his face into Kuroo’s shoulder and pressing his front closer to Kuroo’s back.  “Let’s go back.”

“Okay.” Kuroo turns around in Tsukishima’s grasp, pressing a quick kiss to his left temple.  “Let’s go.”

After shuffling back upstairs, Kuroo lays with a sleeping Tsukishima in his arms, the blonde’s breath tickling his neck.  He is thinking about all of the things he couldn’t bring himself to say to the boy in his arms, all the letters that he’s written and burned in the same fashion as tonight.  So many words turned to ash, washed away only to be written again in a week’s time.  So many things that Tsukishima needed to hear, deserved to hear, that Kuroo was not strong enough to pronounce.  This really wasn’t about Tsukishima.  This was about Kuroo, and his inability to be a man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like this one for some reason. Maybe because writing letters is the way I used to have to communicate with one of my ex-boyfriends when I got too nervous to say things aloud. The format of this chapter was a little different, so I hope it wasn't confusing!
> 
> This chapter also addresses some of the headcannons I have about Kuroo's family again. Abusive dad, Absent mother. Fun stuff.


	20. I hate you, you bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 20 Prompt : I hate you, you bitch.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.

“Shit.”  Tsukishima stumbled out of the apartment, letting the door swing on its hinges behind him.  It was already dark outside, though not so much that it would actually be considered ‘late’ by any normal college student’s standards.  There was still a party raging behind that closed door that probably wouldn’t conclude until everybody inside had passed out or until the cops showed up and shut it down.  There was also Kuroo, pressed up against some short, curvy girl at the end of the dark hallway.

Tsukishima shouted, kicking a metal trashcan out of his way as he stormed down the sidewalk.  A black cat hissed and ran off down the street as the metal can bounced a few times before rolling to a stop in the gutter.  Tsukishima smiled cynically to himself as rage boiled inside him.  He had only been at that party for 25 minutes before he realized Kuroo was there.  Someone mentioned his name and Tsukishima had gotten up to find him, only to see him with his knee between that girl’s legs, his mouth on her neck and his hand shoved down the front of her unbuttoned jeans.  He wasn’t even sure Kuroo knew he was there, or if Kuroo was drunk or sober or even inside his head at all.  All he knew was that the sight pissed him off, clenching up his airways and making his eyes burn.

He wasn’t even sure why he was so upset at the sight of Kuroo manhandling some bimbo he didn’t know.  It wasn’t like they were actually dating.  Hell, they were barely even friends.  Sure, they had fucked around on more than one occasion, sex sloppy and completely unsatisfying thanks to good old alcohol, but that was it.  He had no claim over what Kuroo did, who he was with and who he saw outside of the brief encounters.  He knew what Kuroo was like, constantly luring new people, men and women alike, into his bed, breaking their hearts and leaving them out to rot in the sun.

Tsukishima knew, and he had come to the conclusion a long time ago that he was probably just another one of Kuroo’s playthings. It didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, though.

He had come to the realization a few weeks ago that he was in this for more than the sex.  He realized it around the same time that he discovered he liked watching Kuroo sleep, before he turned into that uncomfortable position of smashing his pillows into the side of his head at least.  He liked watching his eyelashes flutter against his cheeks as he dreamed.  He liked running his thumb over his plump bottom lip, still swollen from when Tsukishima had it between his teeth.  He liked lying next to Kuroo, the heat from his body wrapping around him like his favorite blanket.  He liked Kuroo, and seeing him with someone else was a shot to the heart.

He wanted to hate Kuroo.  He wanted to get back at him.  But as he arrived back at his own dorm room, all the anger in him deflated, and all he wanted to do was lie on his bed and not wake up.

\-----

The next time Tsukishima saw him, he was alone on the quad.  He knew Kuroo noticed him from the way he shouted his name, but seeing him made Tsukishima sick.  If he stopped to talk to Kuroo now, Tsukishima had a feeling he would end up causing a scene, so he just continued walking, losing himself in the crowd as Kuroo tried to get to him.  He pressed himself to the wall just inside the doorway of the liberal arts building, hoping to divert himself long enough that Kuroo would just walk past without seeing him.  When he saw his silhouette walk past the frosted glass door, Tsukishima sighed, peeling himself away from the wall, and knocking right into a short kid with mousy brown hair.

The papers that the kid was carrying scattered on the floor, and the poor guy started stuttering an apology right away, even though it was clearly Tsukishima’s fault.

Tsukishima squatted down, helping to pick up the papers and return them to their owner.  He tapped the bottom of the stack against the ground, aligning them into a perfect rectangle before he noticed the boy’s name at the top.

“Keigo?”

“Um, yes!”  The boy quickly snatched his papers out of Tsukishima’s hands, collecting them into a pile with the ones he had picked up.  “Um… I think we have a class together, actually.”

“Really?  I don’t have any classes in this building though.”

“Uhm, well, it’s one of the freshman classes.  The Biology one that’s at 10:30.”

“Oh yeah, I am in that class.”

“Yeah…I know.  You sit right in front of me…”  Tsukishima watched as the boy’s cheeks flushed, the papers shaking in his hands.

Tsukishima smirked, finally standing up from the ground and reaching a hand out to help pull Keigo up.  “Sorry, I don’t recognize you.”

Keigo laughed carefully as he stuffed all of the papers in his bag.  “I didn’t really expect you to… I mean, you’re so great in class and I just sit there staring at the back of your head…” Tsukishima lifted an eyebrow at this comment, and watched as the boy’s faced darkened.  “N-no, no I didn’t mean it like that… I just… You answer questions right a lot.”

“Yeah, I know.”  Tsukishima pulled his phone out of his pocket, and checked the time.  He was already going to be late for his next class, so he might as well invest his time in something that could get his mind off of Kuroo.  “Say, how are you doing in studying for next week’s test?”

“Oh. Uhm, I’m doing okay.  I’m just having difficulty remembering that one part about genetics….”

“Want to study together?”

“What? Really?”  Keigo’s brown eyes lit up and a small smile graced his plain face.  Tsukishima didn’t think he was particularly attractive, not in the way that Kuroo was, but he wasn’t too bad.  He was pretty short, the top of his head barely coming up to Tsukishima’s shoulder.  But his face was pretty cute in its simplicity, no sharp features or defined characteristics.  “I mean, I’d love to. If it’s not too much trouble that is…”

“I wouldn’t have asked if it was trouble.”  Tsukishima pulled a notebook out of his backpack and wrote something on it.  He ripped the paper out and held it up to Keigo.  “Here’s my number.  Call me later.  Maybe we can study tomorrow night?”

“Yeah, sure!”  Keigo quickly grabbed the paper, looking over it before stuffing it in his front pocket.  “Would you want to study in the library or the cafeteria or…?”

“My dorm room would probably be better.”  Tsukishima looked at his phone again, smiling wickedly at the flustered expression on the other boys face.  “I better go to class now.  Already late.”

“Okay, I’ll, um, c-call you later.  Tsukishima-kun, right?”

“You got it. See you.” Tsukishima turned around and headed back down the hallway.  He paused outside when he saw Kuroo waiting outside the door to the building before continuing on his way to his next class.

“Tsuki-”  Kuroo called after him as he faded into the crowd of other students running late to their next class, but he didn’t pursue him.

\---

Kuroo didn’t understand why Tsukishima was avoiding him.  He knew the blonde boy had seen him and heard him simply from the way he picked up his pace when he heard his name.  It was so obvious from the way Tsukishima came out of the liberal arts building that he had actually been hiding from him.  He knew Tsuki didn’t have any classes in that building, being a business major he had most of his classes on the opposite side of campus.  He wanted to know why Tsukishima was avoiding him, so he went to his friend’s room that night.

His roommate answered the door with a bleary and irritated look on his face. “Tsukishima isn’t here right now.  I’ll let him know you stopped by.”

And with that, the door clicked shut in his face and he was left with a sick sense of anger and annoyance.  He wasn’t sure exactly what he had done to set the other boy off, but he was going to find out.  Tsukishima wasn’t answering his calls or texts, so he decided to wait until the next night to try and catch him at his dorm room.

He saw him in the morning, talking to some short dude with brown hair.  He watched as Tsukishima leaned over and whispered something into the kid’s ear which immediately turned red when Tsukishima straightened up again.  Kuroo felt like he had been punched in the stomach when the kid reached out and grabbed Tsukishima’s hand briefly before turning and walking off into the flow of students entering into the nearest classroom building.

Who was he? And who did he think he was to be touching Tsukishima like that?

Kuroo froze, trying to determine why he was feeling so defensive over the blonde boy.  They had never been anything more than fuck buddies, and he knew he had no right to be angry over him finding someone else to spend time with.  But this rationalization did nothing to quell the acidic burn in the back of his throat.

He was _angry_ seeing someone so near to Tsukishima.  He wanted to go find the boy and beat him into the sidewalk, not really caring if he got in trouble for it.  But he didn’t.  He knew he needed to find Tsukishima first.

After his last class ended at 7:00, Kuroo made his way to Tsukishima’s dorm.  He had traveled this path many times before, while both intoxicated and sober.  He remembered pushing Tsukishima into the wall right here, and having the Resident Advisor yell at them to take their hormones elsewhere.  He remembered shoving his hands up Tsukishima’s shirt in the stairwell, the wet sounds of his mouth on Tsukishima’s pale skin echoing in the dark.  And he recognizes the sounds coming from the other side of Tsukishima’s door as the noises he makes when Kuroo rubs his hand over Tsukishima’s dick while it’s still in his jeans.

But Kuroo’s not on the other side, and his hand is hovering an inch from the thin wooden door.

Never being one for subtly or modesty, Kuroo raps his knuckles loudly against the door.  He hears someone gasp loudly, and there are some shuffling noises and then nothing.  Kuroo knocks again, this time hearing a squeak from someone who is decidedly _not_ Tsukishima before there is a quiet shushing noise.

“Tsukishima, it’s me. Kuroo.”  When he receives no response, he lets out a big sigh and grits his teeth.  “I know you’re in there so just open up.  I’m not leaving until you do.”

After what seems like an eternity, the door slowly cracks open to reveal Tsukishima, hair a mess and shirt wrinkled.  He can see someone behind him quickly tying up their shoes and stuffing some papers into their bag.

“What do you want, Kuroo?”  Tsukishima’s voice is tense and deep.  Kuroo can tell he’s angry from the lines creasing the skin between his eyebrows.

“Just came to chat, but you seem a little busy.”

“Well, if it’s not important, then you can just leave.” Tsukishima tries to shut the door, but Kuroo stops him by pressing a foot inside.

“Who’s he?” Kuroo nods towards the boy sitting on Tsukishima’s bed.  And surprise surprise, if it wasn’t the same kid he saw earlier today.

The brown haired boy starts, jumping off the bed and grabbing his bag off the floor.  He’s in the same state as Tsukishima; hair a mess, shirt half buttoned.

“That’s none of your business.”  Tsukishima notices that his companion is making his way towards the door, and turns around to address him.  “Keigo, sit down.”

“Keigo, huh?”  Kuroo steps further inside, pushing Tsukishima out of the way so he can stare the other boy down.  “How do you know Tsuki, Keigo?”

“Well, um, I-”

Tsukishima sticks a hand out to cut him off.  “You don’t have to answer any of his questions.  Like I said, its none of his business what I do in my spare time.”

“No, I want to know.”  Kuroo steps further, until he’s nearly chest to chest with Tsukishima.  He can feel his hot breath on his cheeks and his eyes are burning with anger.  “Who is he?”

Keigo inches closer to the door.  “I’m s-so sorry, Tsukishima-kun, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend. I’m just going to-”

“He’s not my boyfriend!”

“I’m not his boyfriend!”

Kuroo and Tsukishima stare each other down and Keigo sinks into himself, seeming even smaller standing next to the two tall men.

“What were you two doing?”

“I don’t see why that matters.”

“Of course it fucking matters.  Were you going to fuck him, Tsuki?”

“Where is all of this sudden concern coming from, Kuroo? Just because I fuck you doesn’t mean I can’t do someone else, too!”

The door slams and both of them turn their heads to see that Tsukishima’s mousy brown friend had disappeared.

Tsukishima sighed and balled his hands at his sides. “Good Job, Kuroo.”

Kuroo gritted his teeth and tried not to sound too angry.  “Me? What the fuck did I do?”

Suddenly, Kuroo is pressed up against the door with Tsukishima’s hands in his collar. It’s not the same as it usually is with his back pressed against the wood.  Instead of passion and attentiveness, the only thing rolling off of Tsukishima is raw fury.  He can feel Tsukishima’s knuckles digging into his collarbone and see the muscles flexing in his lower arms as he tries to restrain himself.

“I saw you.  The other night.  With your hands down some random bitch’s pants.”

“Yeah? It’s not like I’m your fucking boyfriend.  I don’t owe you shit.”

“Are you fucking serious?  Then why the hell did you barge into my room and scare off Keigo?  At least I knew his name.”

Kuroo furrows his eyebrows and shoves his hands against Tsukishima’s chest.  The blonde releases his grip on Kuroo’s shirt and takes a few steps back.

“You have no fucking right to tell me who I can and can’t be with.  You don’t own me.”

“Oh yeah?” Kuroo takes a step closer until he’s toe to toe with Tsukishima.  “Well guess what, I don’t fucking need you.  I can find any old slut any time I want and they’ll do everything you can do.  And they’ll do it better.”

Kuroo watches as Tsukishima’s face twists in anger, his teeth bared and cheeks red. In a moment he’s falling, and he grabs at Tsukishima’s desk to stop himself from falling to the ground. Tsukishima’s on him in an instant, laying a fist into the side of Kuroo’s face.  Tsukishima’s knee collides with Kuroo’s side and the breath rushes out of him in a choked cough as his eyes start to water.  They scrabble on the floor for a few minutes, Tsukishima’s nails biting scratches on the sides of Kuroo’s face as Kuroo tries to find something to grab that will get the blonde to stop.  Eventually, he finds a grip in the back of Tsukishima’s hair, pulling at it until Tsukishima is knocked to the side.  He is immediately met with an elbow to the throat and Kuroo chokes on his own breath as he doubles over in pain.  Tsukishima stands up, and knocks him over with one more kick to the ribs.

“Get the fuck out.”

“Tsuki-”

“No.  Get out. Now.  I never want to see you again.”  Tsukishima grabs Kuroo by the back of the collar and lugs him to the door.  He flings it open, not caring that the wood has just clipped Kuroo’s nose. “I fucking hate you.  Stay away from me.”

Kuroo is roughly shoved into the hallway, nearly knocking over a terrified looking first year boy.  Kuroo growls at him as the door slams shut behind him.  He stomps his way out of the dorm, finding his way to the center of campus.  He sits down at the edge of a water fountain, pulling a cigarette out of his jacket pocket before realizing that his lighter had gone missing.

It’s probably somewhere in the middle of Tsukishima’s floor.

Kuroo tosses the unlit cigarette in the water beside him, watching it swirl around before he loses sight of it.  Kuroo can feel his eyes start to burn, and rubs his hand against them to remove some of the wetness that started falling on his cheeks.

“Fuck this.”

\-----

Tsukishima slides his back down the door until he is sitting on the floor. He knows he should do something.  Call Keigo.  Go after Kuroo.  But he doesn’t.  He just sits on the floor until he sees something shiny next to his desk.

He crawls over to the object and picks it up.  Kuroo’s lighter.  It’s silver and plain and dented from too much use.  Tsukishima flicks the cap up, running his finger over the starter.  It doesn’t spark up like he expected, and it didn’t give off the tell-tale hissing sound of lighter fluid releasing. Broken.

Tsukishima laughs maniacally as he falls back onto his bottom, throwing the lighter against the wall and watching it fall onto his roommate’s bed.  The laughter turns into sobs as his heads falls to his knees.

Of course it’s broken.  Everything’s broken. And just like a cheap dime-store lighter, it’s not worth being fixed.

Tsukishima moans softly into the darkness of his room as he picks at the carpet next to his foot.

“This is so fucking stupid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GASP it's day 20! That means I only have 10 more days of this challenge left. *tear* Thanks for sticking with me so far and helping me hang on this far. I can guarantee I probably wouldn't have completed this much if it wasn't for everyone's comments and love.
> 
> Also, I have no idea where I got the name Keigo. I realized after I used it about 10 times it was way to close to Kei, but I'm lazy and never changed it whoops.


	21. You'll do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 21 Prompt : You'll do.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.
> 
> Also, I guess this an AU of sorts. They're both adults and have no prior contact before the events described~.

It’s late.  Saturday night.  Or rather, Sunday morning, seeing as the clock behind the bar is slowly creeping past 2:30.  Not many people are left in this old, run down bar, the heavy crowd already having left to go home for the night or to venture to a new, more exciting venue.  A man who looks like he probably just walked in from an alley sits on a stool towards the back of the establishment, crooning softly into a microphone in a tone reminiscent of two stray cats fighting.  Kuroo sits at the bar with his chin in his hand, twirling a finger around in his drink.  His eyelids feel heavy as he observes the remaining patrons.  There were a couple of kids who looked barely old enough to drink alcohol whispering in hushed tones at a table in a corner.  Two men who weren’t together slouched over opposite tables, one losing his grasp on his beer bottle, the other pressing an empty glass to the side of his head.  Other than Kuroo, there was no one sitting at the actual bar.

This wasn’t really how he expected his night to pan out.  He had wanted to do one of two things.  The first was to find someone to take home with him, someone to get his mind off of his cheating ex that he had kicked out of their apartment yesterday.  If he couldn’t accomplish that, he wanted to get so plastered that he couldn’t remember why he had come out in the first place.  Unfortunately, his first attempt was unsuccessful as every person worth mentioning tonight had come in with their boyfriend or girlfriend.  And as his luck would have it, he only had enough money for one more drink while he had only managed to achieve a faint buzz.

Kuroo was ready to leave and see if he could scrounge up enough money to buy a cheap bottle of something strong at the liquor store when another person walked in and sat at the bar two stools away from him.  The top of his blonde head was wet, and there were little water spots all over the lenses of his glasses which he quickly wiped away with a cloth from his pocket.  He shrugged a gray coat off of his shoulders, and droplets of rain scattered on the dirty cement floor.  Kuroo could tell he was tall, even while he was sitting.  Maybe even taller than Kuroo himself.  He looked very young, but must be at least 20 as the bartender waves his I.D. away and sets a glass in front of him. He looked young, but Kuroo could still see a few worry lines creasing his forehead and dark circles underneath his glasses.

He turned and looked at Kuroo, peering over the tops of his black frames before pushing them back up his nose.

“Can I help you?”

Kuroo jumps, nearly knocking over his glass with his elbow. “Uhm, sorry what?”

The blonde man clicks his tongue against his teeth and drew his mouth into a nasty sneer.  “You’ve been staring at me since I sat down. Now, do you need something or are you just a freak?”

Kuroo raises an eyebrow and grins, quickly hopping over one bar stool.  “Well that depends on your definitions of necessity and freak.  Because I could say this circumstance might fall under both.”

The blonde man snorts and turns away, taking a swig out of his glass.  He sets it down with a loud clack and appears to have every intent of ignoring his new drinking partner.  Kuroo has already decided that this is not how their interaction will end.

“Kuroo Tetsurou.”  He offers his hand to the other man, but drops it when he shows no sign of returning the gesture.

“Not interested.”

“Not even if I buy you another one of those?”

The man pins him with an incredulous glare before letting out a loud sigh.  He sticks his own hand out and Kuroo grabs it, shaking it lightly before letting it drop back to the man’s side.  “Tsukishima Kei.”

“Oh, that’s a very nice name.” Kuroo makes the last jump to the single barstool separating him and the other man before addressing the bartender.  “Hey, my friend Tsukishima here would like another one.”

“I’m not your friend.”

Kuroo wiggled his eyebrows and gave Tsukishima a wink. “Ah, but you could be.”

Tsukishima waited until the bartender arrived with his next drink before nodding towards Kuroo’s empty glass. “You’re not drinking anymore?”

“Don’t need to.”

“And why is that?”

“Well you see, my plan for tonight was to drink until I saw someone pretty.  And then you walked in.” Kuroo smirked when he saw Tsukishima’s cheeks flush, decidedly not from the alcohol.

“That line was terrible.”

“And yet you’re blushing.”

“Shut up.”

Kuroo smiles and watches as Tsukishima’s face gets even redder.  He’s fairly cute, Kuroo thinks.  He’s got a nice face, a cute nose and pretty lips.  While he wasn’t exactly what Kuroo was looking for tonight, he’d still do.

“So why are you out so late?  It doesn’t seem like you’ve been out all night like other people your age.”  He really was prim and proper, with an unwrinkled shirt and clean jeans.  He didn’t smell like bars or clubs or sweat or liquor, just a soft scent of clothes soap that permeated the musky smell of the room.

“You say that as if you’re that much older than me.  And are you seriously going to keep talking to me?  I said I wasn’t interested.”

“Awe, that’s not fair.  You have to keep talking to me until you’re done with that drink there.”

Tsukishima lifted an eyebrow, immediately tipping the glass back and chugging the remaining contents.  Kuroo could tell he wasn’t used to the burn from the baby tears welling up in the corner of his eyes and the redness that graced his face as he coughed loudly after the last swallow.  Tsukishima placed the glass top-down on the bar and leaned back. “Done.”

“You’re no fun,” Kuroo pouted as he leaned his head against his hand again.

“I didn’t-” Before he can finish his sentence, Tsukishima coughs again, throat still burning from downing the alcohol too quickly.  Kuroo reaches over to pat him on the back and is surprised when his hand isn’t slapped away.  “I didn’t ask you to buy me a drink. So you can stop acting like I owe you something.”

“Fine, I’ll just leave-” Kuroo is cut off when Tsukishima holds a finger up to his lips.  The blonde pulls his cellphone out of his pocket and answers it.

“What do you want?.....Well its really none of your concern where I am…..No I’m not…..I said I’m not fucking coming home…..That’s your own problem…..Maybe you should have thought about that before you-….No! Fuck you!….No, I’m done.  This conversation’s over.”  Tsukishima lets out a loud groan and clicks his phone off before slipping it back in his pocket.  He sees Kuroo looking over at him and frowns. “What are you looking at?”

“Someone who probably should come home with me.”

Tsukishima rolls his eyes and leans away from Kuroo.  “You think you can buy me one drink and I’ll come home with you?”

“It was worth a shot.  I can’t really buy you another.”

“You can’t be serious.”

Kuroo shrugs and plasters on a coy smile.  “I thought it was a good investment.”

Tsukishima sticks out his bottom lip and waves to the bartender to bring him another drink.  “What even makes you think I like men?”

“What makes you think I’m a man?”

Tsukishima coughs on a sip of his drink, splattering the alcohol over the counter.

“Calm down, I was just countering your stupid question with another stupid question.  And besides, if you didn’t, you would have said something by now.” Kuroo leans closer until he can feel Tsukishima’s breath tickling his nose.  “That’s how I know you’re at least a little bit interested.”

From this close, Kuroo can see Tsukishima’s nostrils flare as he takes in an indignant breath. His bottom lip is also quivering; Kuroo presumes it’s either out of anger or excitement, though he hopes it’s the latter.  His eyebrows are knitted together as he levels out his options, and finally, he lets out a long sigh before pushing Kuroo away to tip back the last of his glass. He gingerly sets it on the counter before sliding off the barstool and grabbing his coat.

“Fine.”

“Oh?” Kuroo takes a wobbly step down, feeling a little disoriented from sitting so long and from the few drinks he has had himself.

“Shut up.  Don’t make me regret this.”

“Oh I can assure you, you won’t.”

It’s still raining as they step outside, a cold, light drizzle that neither of them are prepared for.  Kuroo pushes Tsukishima along with a hand at the small of his back.  It’s nice, Tsukishima’s body heat.  He can feel it through the coat, warming his fingers and igniting his senses.  He imagines what that heat will feel like pressed against other parts of his body.  The heat from his chest against his, that hot mouth pressed against his neck and wrapped around his dick.  His warm hands raking lines into his back. The thoughts made a grin spread across his face and he let his hand drop until it was resting just over Tsukishima’s ass.  The blonde let out a choking noise, and Kuroo chuckled, but his hand was not pushed away.

Kuroo’s apartment wasn’t very far from the bar, and it took them less than ten minutes to walk there.  Tsukishima seemed startled by the closeness, probably expecting more time to collect his thoughts and mentally prepare himself.  When they reached Kuroo’s residence, Tsukishima followed a few steps behind, practically radiating nervousness as he wrung his hands in front of his body.  Kuroo showed the way to his bedroom, deciding not to mess around and just get this over with.  He removed his shirt before turning back around to notice Tsukishima was still haunting his doorway, still uncertain as to whether he should enter or turn tail and run.  Kuroo gave him a questioning gaze as he sat down on his bed, grinning slightly as Tsukishima finally took the couple of steps inside required to shut his bedroom door.  He removes his jacket, letting it fall over a chair Kuroo has pressed against the wall.  He nervously approaches the bed, stopping when his knees bump Kuroo’s.

“I don’t usually do things like this…”

Kuroo smirks, looking up at the man standing in front of him. “You don’t have to tell me that.  It’s kind of obvious.”

Tsukishima frowns and crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“We don’t have to do this if you change your mind.”  Kuroo reaches up and grabs Tsukishima by the hip, pulling him closer until he is standing in between his legs.  He nudges the blonde’s t-shirt up, placing an open mouthed kiss in the middle of his stomach, just above the waistband of his jeans.  “You’re obviously having some personal issues.  Don’t do anything you’ll regret in the morning.”

“No. I’m fine.”  Tsukishima ran his fingers through Kuroo’s hair, tilting his head back until he was looking up at him again.  “Just, stop talking.  We don’t need to know any more about each other.”

“One time thing, huh?”

“Yeah.”  Tsukishima leans down, finally pressing his mouth to Kuroo’s as he pushes him back onto the bed.  His weight is heavy and hot, just as Kuroo expected, and it feels so good.  Everything moves in a haze, thick and heated and dulled by the alcohol coursing through both of their systems.  Despite the sluggishness, their clothes are soon forgotten in a pile next to Kuroo’s bed and Tsukishima is pressed face-down on the mattress, mumbling unintelligible things into Kuroo’s pillow.  Everywhere Kuroo touches is warm, his back and sides, his hands and his neck and the insides of his thighs.  It’s a stark contrast to the cold biting into his own sweaty back, but Kuroo pays the chill no mind as he works both himself and his new found partner to a state of completion.  When they are both done, Kuroo rolls off, pressing his side into the cool wall.  He waits until Tsukishima’s breath has returned to normal before rolling to face him.  He was still lying on his stomach, and Kuroo would have thought he was asleep if it wasn’t for the hand by his face clenching into a fist and then relaxing every few seconds.

“So, like. You can stay the night here if you want.  I don’t really care, but from your phone call earlier it seems like you don’t really have a place to go right now.”

Tsukishima shifted his head so he could look at Kuroo, yet still hid half of his face behind his raised arm.

“I don’t really care about what your problems at home are, just in case you’re trying to get sympathy with that sad face.  I have my own shit and I’m dealing with it in my own way.  But I’m not so bad of a person that I’d kick someone out when they have nowhere to go.”  Kuroo leans over to the foot of his bed and grabs a pair of shorts that he had laying there.  He pulls them up over his hips and looks back down at Tsukishima, who still hasn’t moved.  “You can sleep here with me, or I can make you a bed on the couch.  Or you can leave.  It doesn’t make any difference to me.”

Tsukishima nods and sits up, grabbing for his underwear on the ground.  After he’s put them back on, he looks over at Kuroo with a worried look.  “Is it really alright if I stay here?”

“Yeah whatever dude.  Just decide soon so I can sleep.”

Tsukishima eventually settles down, opting for sleeping in Kuroo’s bed with his back facing him.  Kuroo can still feel the heat of his body in the cold room, and it feels nice.  He really didn’t care what the other man was carrying as baggage, because that wasn’t what this was.  He could have just gotten out of a bad relationship or he could be cheating on his actual partener right now, it didn’t make any difference.  Kuroo was simply looking for someone or something to replace the warmth stolen from him by his ex.  Whether that something be alcohol poisoning or a blonde man in a bar, either would do.  And do Tsukishima did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so really tired, and didn't feel like editing so if something sounds weird or there's typos, I apologize. I'm lazy. And I hope you got my lame jokes bah.


	22. I hate myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 22 Prompt : I hate myself.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.
> 
> Also, there is alot of self-hate and self-deprecating thoughts revolving around body image in this one, so be aware.

It was just a mirror.  Dirty, and spotted, with remnants of old eraser board marker near the top.  It was just a mirror, reflecting everything in his room, from his unmade bed to his desk and closet.  It was a simple pane of glass that hung from the wall with only a few brackets screwed into the wall.  It was just a mirror, but it showed Tsukishima every single thing that he hated about himself.  He didn’t know why he still had it.  He had asked his parents before if it could be taken out of his room and they agreed, yet it hadn’t moved an inch since that day.  He wanted it to shatter, to punch it with his fists and let the glass dig into his knuckles and stain his floors, but he never did.  His arms always felt heavy when he stood in front of it, knowing deep in his heart that this was an accurate representation of what everyone saw in him.

He always stood in front of it when he returned to his room after taking a shower, and today was no different.  Everything was visible today since he had not yet put a shirt on, and his eyes drew to every stupid imperfection he could see.  First were his feet.  He’d always hated them, ever since he was little.  They’d grow too fast, compensating for a body that would hopefully catch up.  Long and bony toes that were spaced a little too far apart made other kids say that he had monkey feet.  They always stay cramped in his shoes or socks now, forever uncomfortable with exposing them to the wrong people.  His legs he couldn’t really hide.  They were thin, and stick like.  He’d received so many comments on how they looked like they would snap if he stepped off the sidewalk wrong.  His arms were the same way, boney and frail looking.  He hated his joints even worse than the thinness of his limps.  There were his knees, knobby and bulgy.  They looked like those scars you see on trees when they cut limbs away or when they grow wrong.  Those bumpy, ugly little burls that no one wants but no one can get rid of.  The only reason he wore kneepads for volleyball was to give him something to cover them up, to distract everyone from the one part of his body that he thought looked like an actual deformity.  His wrists weren’t any better.  They looked like knots pushing up out of the surface of his skin on top of being so skinny that almost anyone could close their hand around it using only their thumb and pointer finger.

And his hands.  God he hated his hands.  Long delicate fingers that were much more suited to being on a female’s hands than his own.  He remembered being in elementary school when a girl asked if she could paint his finger nails for him since he had such pretty hands, and the boys in his class teased him for it until the day they went their separate ways for middle school.  He was glad that none of them went to the same high school as him now, because he knew if they could see him now, they would just continue to torture him.  He always kept a straight face when they threw insults his way, never letting on that what they were saying to him scarred him down to the bone.  But it did, and he’s left to pick up the pieces, all these years later.

Tsukishima lifted his eyes from his legs, letting his gaze settle on the reflection of his hips.  They say that the most attractive male body type is the one that forms a perfect V; wide shoulders, slim hips that betray no trace of femininity.  Tsukishima can believe that, seeing as it’s exactly what his body is not.  His shoulders aren’t wide, the breadth of them only slightly more than his hips.  And of course, there are his hipbones jutting sharply out over the fabric of his shorts.  All of the bones in his torso were very pronounced, from the ribs you can see during a big exhale, to the knotted line of his spine.  It only draws more attention to the fact that he’s so skinny.  He hates it, the way he hasn’t been able to gain weight, no matter what or how much of something he eats.  He could consume a burger and fries at every meal for the next month, and still feel no different physically.  He’d still be stick-like and stringy, with zero muscle tone and definition.  He knows the only reason his stomach looks taught and toned is because he keeps growing, and the skin stays tight as he puts centimeter after centimeter onto his height.  It’s why he doesn’t bother to eat much, despite what his mother and classmates say.  What’s the point in indulging yourself if you’re going to stay the same way regardless?

One thing he really hated was his height.  It made him stand out, glaringly obvious in a crowd.  It drew too much attention to him and made too many people look at him and his flaws.  His height also made everything way too long; his neck like a fucking giraffe’s, his twiggy arms and chicken legs. His hair was even worse, the blonde an uncommon color shining like a beacon in a wave of browns and blacks.  He had considered dying it before, but he would have to do his eyebrows as well.  He once met a kid who was blind for a couple weeks after dripping red hair dye in his eyes.  It wasn’t worth it in the end.  Though he liked the idea of never having to look at himself again.  If he was blind, maybe he’d forget the fact that he was so terribly inadequate.

After ghosting his vision over his entire body, finally he meets the reflection of his own eyes.  Of everything he could see wrong with himself, his face was the pinnacle of his hate.  His nose was too small for his face, though that was drowned out by the bulky black glasses he had to wear.  He supposed it was a sort of blessing, being allergic to the contacts his optometrist tried to supply him with.  His glasses pulled focus away from everything else, and gave people something to look at that wasn’t him.  He thought his face was too round and his eyes too far apart and he just hated it.

He hated himself and couldn’t see why anyone would want to be around him.

Tsukishima shifted when a knock pounded on his door. His mother’s voice called gently through the wood. “Kei?  Kuroo-san is here.  Is it all right if he comes in now?” 

He gave a small grunt in confirmation, still standing in front of the mirror, staring into his own blank eyes.  Kuroo says something to his mother and she laughs, her small footsteps already heading down the hall.  The door cracks open, and in walks Kuroo, gorgeous as ever.  Tsukishima never understood why Kuroo wanted to be with him, someone who was lacking in every way Kuroo wasn’t.  His body was lean, yet not too skinny, and his legs and arms and chest were toned in a way Tsukishima could only dream of.  His body made the ideal V he had read about in that online article, and he was tall without looking gangly.  His face, his hands, everything about him was masculine and stunning and Tsukishima thought he was lucky to have found someone so out of his league that was interested in him.  Their differences were especially contrasted when Kuroo comes up behind him, wrapping him up in his arms as he places his chin on Tsukishima’s shoulder.

 “Your mom says she’s going out to do errands, so we’ll be alone for a while.”  Kuroo punctuates the suggestion with a kiss on the side of Tsukishima’s neck.  It sends a shiver down his spine, and Tsukishima can’t stand it, so he steps away to find a shirt to throw over his skin.  “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”  Tsukishima finds a shirt in his closet, an unassuming gray t-shirt that nearly fades into the background of all his other clothes.

“You’re doing it again aren’t you?”

Tsukishima pulls the shirt over his head quickly, trying to remove his body from Kuroo’s gaze.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You were looking at yourself again. You always do that when you feel like shit, even though it makes you feel worse.”  Kuroo comes up to him, taking Tsukishima’s face in his hands. “You. Are. Perfect.”

“Quit it.” Tsukishima tries to slap Kuroo’s hands away, but they don’t budge.  Instead Kuroo leans in to give him a big, wet smooch on the mouth.

“Never.  I’m going to keep saying it until you believe it.” Kuroo drops his hands and looks around the room.  “Say, do you have a screwdriver?”

“Yeah, somewhere. Why?”

“I need it.  Will you get it for me, Tsuki? Pleeeeeeease?”

Tsukishima sighs, begrudgingly agreeing to go find Kuroo his tool.  When he returned to his bedroom, screwdriver in hand, he found Kuroo stripping the sheets off of his bed.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“Oh, Tsuki! Find it?”

“Yeah, but-”

Kuroo grabs the screwdriver from Tsukishima’s hand, replacing it with the bundle of sheets.  “Can you put these on the ground out back?”

“Why?”

“It’s a surprise.” Kuroo winks and pushes Tsukishima out towards the back door.  “Wait for me outside, okay?”

“Okay?”  Tsukishima is rightly confused, but takes his bed sheets and spreads them in his backyard.  His mother probably wouldn’t like this, but he was curious to see what Kuroo had up his sleeve.  He sat down in a metal chair, waiting for Kuroo to come and show him what this ‘surprise’ would be.  After about 15 minutes of waiting, Kuroo finally emerges from the backdoor, carrying with him the full length mirror that was once screwed into Tsukishima’s bedroom wall.

“What are you-”

“Hey, move something over on top of the sheets.  Something I can use to prop this up.”

Tsukishima stands, moving the chair he was sitting on into the middle of the sheets.  Kuroo leans over to set the mirror on top of it, gently laying it at an angle.  When he straightens back up, he has a wicked glint in his eye that could only mean trouble for Tsukishima.

“You’re not superstitious are you?”

“Not really, but why-”

“Like, no seven years bad luck for breaking sparkly glass, or anything?”

“No. Kuroo, what are you-”

“Good.  Then I don’t feel stupid for taking the time to get this down here.”  Kuroo leans over and picks up a medium sized rock off the ground.  Dissatisfied with it, he lets it drop in favor of a larger, more jagged looking chunk of cement. He tosses it in his hands a few times before handing it to Tsukishima.

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Throw it. Duh.”

“But, why-”

“Look.  This shitty piece of glass is the worst thing that you have in your room.  It only serves to remind you of all the imperfections you don’t have.  I want you to break it.”

“Kuroo…”

“You don’t have to.”  Kuroo shrugs and turns around to pick up another rock.  “I just think you’ll feel better if you do.

Weighing his options, Tsukishima turns the rock over in his hands a few times before making a decision.  Kuroo whips back around when he hears glass shattering, the top corner of the mirror pane falling to the ground in glittering pieces.

“Woooooah, nice shot babe!” Kuroo comes up next to him, giving him a wet smack on the cheek before dropping three more rocks in his hand.  Tsukishima throws each of them, each cracking the glass in varying degrees of damage.  He turns back around to find Kuroo holding his old baseball bat.

“Man, when was the last time you used this thing? When you were five?”  Kuroo holds the bat up to his arm, showing how short it was.

Tsukishima takes it from him, weighing it gingerly in his hands.  “Probably.”

“Well, its metal, so it’ll still get the job done.”  Kuroo watches him carefully, before nudging him with his elbow. “Dooooo it~.”

Tsukishima nods, taking the bat in his right hand before swinging down at the last of the mirror propped against the chair.  It shatters with a satisfying smash, and Kuroo quickly comes around him to remove the chair from the middle of the sheet.  When he’s finally out of the way, Tsukishima swings the bat again, the glass crunching underneath his sneakers as he moves to strike the bigger pieces of mirror.  He swings until there are only gravel sized shards left and his arm is shaking from the vibrations of the bat striking the ground.  He lets the bat fall from his grasp, falling into Kuroo’s side and wrapping himself in a hug.  Kuroo presses a kiss to the side of his head, letting Tsukishima calm down.  He hadn’t noticed that he had started to get a little sweaty or that his heart rate and breathing were up, but they all slowly returned to normal as he let Kuroo rub circles into his back.

He pulls away reluctantly with a loud sigh.  “Thank you.”

“Hey, what are boyfriends for, right?” Kuroo reaches up to ruffle his hair and Tsukishima dodges, nearly tripping over the bat on the ground.  “Careful, dude.  Let’s pick this up.”

With little struggle thanks to the sheet, they pick up the broken glass and slide it into the outside trashcan.  They shake it out to get the dirt and leaves off the back before taking it to the laundry room.  After retrieving new covers for Tsukishima’s bed, they head back to his bedroom.  Kuroo leads the way, carrying all of the linens.

Tsukishima stills when he enters his room.  Where the mirror used to be is now pinned two squares pieces of paper.  One is a picture of Kuroo and Tsukishima at an amusement park two months ago.  There’s a dab of ice cream on Tsukishima’s cheek, and Kuroo is seconds away from licking it away, tongue already hanging out his mouth.  They’re both smiling radiantly, though Tsukishima doesn’t choke up until he reads the note tacked below it.

_“You’re beautiful and gorgeous and perfect!_

_I LOVE YOU!”_

And in a big heart Tsukishima’s name was written next to Kuroo’s.

Tsukishima slowly turns around to face Kuroo who is standing sheepishly next to his unmade bed.  Tsukishima lifts his arms, asking Kuroo to come closer.  When he does, Tsukishima falls into him, pressing his nose into Kuroo’s neck, and wrapping his hands in the back of Kuroo’s shirt.  He can feel happy tears welling up in his eyes, but he wills them away as Kuroo whispers in his ear.

“I’m never gonna stop telling you you’re beautiful until you love yourself as much as I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kuroo's a dork and breaking mirrors is fun if you're not superstitious. 
> 
> Also, last call for any prompt requests that I can use on days 27-30. Please refer to the notes at the end of chapter 17 for reference to what I'm talking about. I plan on finished day 25/26 today and tomorrow so after that I'll be starting on the last four days.


	23. Now what do I do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 23 Prompt : Now what do I do? (prompt suggested by tsukikei)
> 
> The original day 23 prompt was "You remind me of me", but I unfortunately was at a road block that day and couldn't find anything to write about that I hadn't already done/planned to do for other prompts. 
> 
> And surprise, this IS a continuation of Day 12 : I'm drunk, so you may want to reread that before this.

Tsukishima leans over, straightening the cushions on the couch before picking up and refolding the blanket resting over the back of the armchair.  He moves to the coffee table next, restacking the three DVD boxes in order of which one he thought Kuroo would like to watch most.  They were all movies Kuroo had mentioned he was interested in watching, but had not been able to see in theatres.  After straightening everything in the living room, Tsukishima grabs the tea that had been steeping in the kitchen and makes his way back to his bedroom.  He settles down with a book in one hand, his cell phone in the other as he buries his feet amongst the covers.  The clock on his screen says its 10:50 pm.  He has 40 minutes before Kuroo is supposed to be home to celebrate their one year anniversary, so he flips open the book, resuming at the place he left off last weekend.

He was never one for all of that gushy nonsense, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day or White Day, but Kuroo made Tsukishima want to at least try to do normal couple things.  Not that they were a normal couple, they were as dysfunctional as they come, fighting every single week over stupid things like how to properly load the washing machine or who gets to lay on the side of the bed by the wall, but Tsukishima loved it.  He loved being around Kuroo, surrounding himself with the other man and delving into his interests no matter how bizarre they could be.  Tsukishima had felt as if he had sacrificed so much of his own time just getting to know what it was like to be Kuroo.  There were still a few things to understand, like why he got mad when Tsukishima touched the inside of his elbow.  Or why he always went to bed with his hair wet, despite knowing that it would give him nasty bedhead in the morning.

Or why he was ignoring Tsukishima’s simple request of being home by 11:30.

Tsukishima straightened up in bed, grasping at the phone that decided to hide itself amongst his sheets.  When he finally found it, he was not surprised to discover that the time was ticking on 12:11 am.

Kuroo always did this.

He’d go out, trying to escape problems that were either nonexistent or not important enough to discuss with his boyfriend.  He would return late at night, sometimes even the next morning, babbling incoherent nonsense about how _happy_ he was.  He once came home with a bloody nose and a loose tooth from get smashed in the face with some drunk’s fist.  Tsukishima’s heart had nearly stopped at that sight, blood staining the front of his white shirt and red glistening on his split top lip.  Tsukishima had nearly been convinced that he had been stabbed or shot, but found Kuroo’s skin unmarred minus the bruising around his ribs. 

Tsukishima was helpless.  He had never had to deal with someone who drinks as much as Kuroo.  Sometimes, his father would have a bit of whiskey or his mother a glass of wine, but the first time he had ever truly seen someone drunk was when Kuroo took him to a party his first month out at university.  He watched as Kuroo tipped back shot after shot, his face flushing and eyes glowing, as Tsukishima sat along the wall nursing something that barely qualified as alcohol.  This was before the two had even started dating, and Tsukishima knew from the get go that this was unhealthy behavior, yet he said nothing.  Kuroo hadn’t been his responsibility then, and he was still a grown man who could make his own decision.  Tsukishima never realized how bad it could truly get.

The first time he made mention of his concerns to Kuroo, the older man had simply laughed it off, characterizing his behavior as ‘a bit of fun for the weekends’.  The second time, Kuroo got defensive, saying that Tsukishima needed to get off his case, that he wasn’t hurting anyone.  The third and final time Tsukishima touched on the subject, Kuroo shouted at him and left for two days, only coming back after he was good and rightly hung-over.  Tsukishima decided it wasn’t worth it to try to talk to Kuroo about it again.

Tsukishima first tried calling Kuroo to determine his whereabouts, but when he received no answer, he quickly typed out a text gently urging him to come home.  He grabbed his book and shuffled back into the living room, letting his socks slide on the laminate floor in the hallway.  He props his feet on the coffee table as he plops down in the armchair and cracks his book open again.  He liked waiting up for Kuroo sometimes.  In his head, he pretended it was some grand romantic gesture that let Kuroo know he couldn’t sleep without him or that he wanted to make sure Kuroo was home before returning to his own life.  In reality, it wasn’t romantic at all.  It was Tsukishima sitting at home at night alone, with a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that maybe Kuroo wouldn’t come back tonight.  Maybe he would get hurt on his way home and end up dead in a back alley. Or he could get mugged or die from alcohol poisoning or any other number of awful scenarios that Tsukishima’s mind produced.  Or he could simply just not come back because he doesn’t want to.  That option always makes Tsukishima’s stomach turn the most.

He sets his book down again at 1:10.  There is still no answer from Kuroo despite the fact that Kuroo always checks his phone a least once an hour.  Thinking the absolute worse, Tsukishima dials his number again.  Receiving no answer, he leaves a quick voicemail before trying again.  On the tenth call, Tsukishima finally gets an answer. It’s loud and noisy and hurts his ears.  A loud thumping noise plays constantly in the background, yet there is no sound of Kuroo’s voice until he hears a laugh and then a comment on how wasted someone is.  Tsukishima can’t really make out what is being said, so he hangs up, realizing that Kuroo may not be coming home for another few hours.

He lies back on the couch, head propped on the arm and feet drawn close to his body.  Staring up at the ceiling, he realizes it’s probably futile to stay up any later in hopes that Kuroo will come home sober enough to actually do anything besides pass out.  This night was supposed to be special, a happy memory that could be reflected on years later as a high point of his young adult experience.  But instead of warm fuzzies floating around his stomach like he expected, he was left with dead weight that continued to sink until he was a permanent fixture in the background of Kuroo’s life.  Because clearly, if he was meant to be something important, someone that Kuroo would look to everyday for love and care, he wouldn’t be sitting alone, watching shadows dance across the ceiling as the fan above him turned.  He thought of all the things he wanted to say when Kuroo arrived.  He wanted to scream and cry, to shout at him that this was over and that he shouldn’t bother coming home next time.

But as he lie on his back, his shoulders cramping and his bottom lip quivering, he realized that’s not really what he desired.  As he slowly began to fall into a hazy sleep, Tsukishima mumbled to the empty room.

“Now what do I do?”

\------

Tsukishima woke up to a wet mouth on his stomach.  He looked down to see Kuroo’s mess of black hair hovering over his lower body.  He pushed Kuroo’s head away and pulled his shirt down before grabbing Kuroo’s hair in his hand, turning the older man’s face to look at him.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Awe, Tsuki’s so mean to me… I was just giving you a little kiss…” Kuroo’s voice was thick, as if he were talking under water.  His face was sloppy, cheeks flushed and eyes droopy.  It was so obvious that he was completely hammered as he removed Tsukishima’s hand from his hair and placed a wet kiss on the back of it.

Tsukishima whips his hand out of Kuroo’s grasp and sits up.  “Where were you, Kuroo?”

Kuroo giggles, actually _giggles_ like a five year old girl and rubs his head against Tsukishima’s thigh like a fucking cat. “Ooooouuut~.”

Tsukishima was already tired with dealing with his child of a boyfriend as he soothingly scratched at Kuroo’s scalp with his nails.  “You’re drunk.”

“NO. No, ‘m not, Tsuki,” Kuroo slurred a bit too loudly before laughing again.

“You stink of alcohol.  And I think I can tell when you’re drunk. Get up. Now.” Tsukishima gripped his boyfriends shoulders and pushed, urging the sloppy drunk to get off the ground.  He regretted it the moment he saw Kuroo’s head tip back, clipping the side of the coffee table before he hits the ground.  Tsukishima is immediately on the ground next to him, checking him over before deciding he was fine, just passed out and drunk off his ass.  After rearranging a sleeping Kuroo on the ground so he wouldn’t suffocate if he puked, Tsukishima placed a small kiss to his temple before returning to his bed for the night.

Tsukishima was tired.  Helpless.  He didn’t know what to do.  He loved Kuroo so much, but it was exhausting living with someone, loving someone, who couldn’t put a few hours of effort into their relationship every week.  He knew Kuroo drank to drown out his troubles.  But he was starting to feel as if he was the troubles Kuroo was trying to escape from.  He thought at first if he pushed harder, maybe Kuroo would turn around and try a little bit more.  When that didn’t work, Tsukishima tried to ignore it, but still, as time went on, Kuroo dug himself further and further into the ground.  It was heartbreaking watching someone you cared about run away from you and you can’t do anything about it.  Tsukishima wanted so desperately to stay, to help Kuroo get better, but sometimes he wondered if it would be easier to let Kuroo sink on his own.

\-----

Tsukishima was awoken the next morning by something soft and warm nuzzling into his side.  Flipping over, he sees Kuroo, still half asleep and bleary eyed as he tried to wake himself from his liquor induced daze.  Tsukishima stares at him until Kuroo notices he’s awake.

“Good morning.”

Kuroo responds with a grunt, body melting over Tsukishima’s side as he presses his face into the skin at his neck.  He still smells like the bar, alcohol, smoke and sweat, but Tsukishima can still smell his shampoo as the top of his hair brushes his nose.

“Feeling okay?”

“I’m sick.”

Tsukishima ran a hand down his boyfriend’s side. He hadn’t changed out of the clothes from last night yet.  “Well no shit. You were completely plastered last night.”

“Not that kinda sick.” Kuroo wraps his arms around Tsukishima’s neck, pressing the blonde’s face into his shoulder. “Already threw up this morning. I’m okay like that.”

“Then what kind of sick, Kuroo?”

Kuroo slowly raised his head, eyes clenching shut as he wills his dizziness away.  “I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“I know last night was important to you and I fucked it up.  I’m sorry.”

“Kuroo…”

“I’m soooooooorry,” Kuroo whines, losing his balance as he tips his head back.  He falls face forward into Tsukishima’s chest and lets out a loud, obnoxious, fake sob.

“Cut it out.” Tsukishima pushes him, letting Kuroo’s heavy body fall of the bed and onto the floor.  “I’m not going to forgive you so easily. You’ve got to make it up to me.”

Kuroo bounces up, sitting on his heels as he looks over the side of the bed. “How?”

“You should be able to figure that out on your own.”

Kuroo whines again, flopping up to trap Tsukishima’s legs under his body.  Tsukishima tries to kick him off, but doesn’t have the heart from how adorable Kuroo looks.  He knows it’s probably a side product of last night’s binge, but moments like these somehow evens everything out.  He wants Kuroo to get better, to stop drinking and get help, but knows he will never hold any high expectations for that.  Even if he gets hurt, he loves Kuroo, and will stand next to him as long as Kuroo loves him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you tsukikei for the lovely prompt idea! Not sure if it was exactly what you had in mind, but it fit with what I wanted to do, so thank you! 7 days left~


	24. I want you to hate me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 24 Prompt : I want you to hate me.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.

“I love you.”

Tsukishima looked up from his homework, throwing a warning glance over at Kuroo as he curled his toes in the carpet of his bedroom floor.  Kuroo was lying on his stomach on Tsukishima’s bed, legs bent up behind him and head propped on crossed arms.  He was staring at Tsukishima with a blank look on his face, eyes droopy and mouth pressed in a disinterested line. He had been lying that way for over an hour, not moving an inch as he watched Tsukishima work over his math problems. 

“I told you to stop saying stuff like that.”

“Why?  It’s true.”

Tsukishima let out a loud sigh, pressing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose with his index finger.  He returned to ignoring Kuroo in favor of completing the next problem set.  He could still feel Kuroo’s gaze on the side of his face, raking across his skin and taking in everything.  He never understood why Kuroo liked staring at him so much, it’s not like there was much to see.

After a few moments, he felt the hair on the back of his neck shift as Kuroo breathed down the back of his neck.  Kuroo kissed the skin right behind Tsukishima’s ear as he hung off the side of the bed.

“Kuroo, what are you-”

“I loooooove you~,” Kuroo whispered in his ear, breath low and warm against the side of his face.

Tsukishima pushed Kuroo back with his hand on the older boy’s face.  Kuroo yelped as his nose was squished by Tsukishima’s palm, but eventually flipped over so he was no longer hovering over him.  He pouted down at Tsukishima from his perch on the bed, arms crossed in front of him.

“What’s wrong with you today?”

Tsukishima groaned, snapping his workbook shut as he dragged himself up on the bed beside Kuroo.  “I just want you to stop saying that.”

“Why though? Promised I would never lie to you, and lying by omission is still lying.”

“Just, I don’t want to hear it.”

Kuroo scooted closer to him, bumping noses before nuzzling his head to Tsukishima’s neck.  “But whyyyyyyy, Tsuki?”

Tsukishima tilted his head back, unintentionally giving Kuroo more room to press his face into the side of his neck.  “I shouldn’t have to explain it.  If I tell you not to say something, you should just do it.”

“That’s not right.” Kuroo pulled his face away, dark eyes burning as they looked over Tsukishima’s face.  “Maybe for other things, yeah.  Like if you tell me to stop talking about how you cried over that movie with the dog, maybe I’d understand.  But you can’t just tell me to stop saying I love you without any real explanation.  Because I do love you. And I don’t care if you never say it back, but I’m not going to stop.”

“Kuroo…” Tsukishima groaned and stood up, walking a few paces away from the bed.

“Unless you give me a good reason, I’m not going to stop.”

“Hate me.”

“What?” Kuroo swung his legs around until he was sitting on the edge of the bed. “What are you even talking about, Tsuki?”

“I want you,” Tsukishima took a step forward so that he could press a finger into Kuroo’s chest. “To hate me.”

Kuroo shook his head, black fringe brushing back and forth over the top of his nose.  “No.”

“Yes.” Tsukishima dropped his hand, curling it into a fist by his side.

 “Are you breaking up with me?”

“What? No!”

“Then what the hell are you talking about? I mean, if you’re breaking up with me just say it. Don’t say a bunch of bullshit about you wanting me to hate you.”

Tsukishima sighed, dropping back on the bed beside Kuroo.  His boyfriend curled a hand around his waist, holding him in place so that he wouldn’t try to run away again.  “I don’t want you to say you love me.”

“Why though, Tsuki?”

Tsukishima clenched his hands in his lap, fingernails digging into his palms.  “Don’t deserve it.”

“What? Of course you do.” Kuroo reaches over, coaxing one of Tsukishima’s hands into his own.  “Why do you think that?”

“I just do.”

“Come on. I can’t prove you wrong if you don’t tell me why.”

“You really want to know why?” Tsukishima springs up from the bed, ripping his hand away from Kuroo’s.  “It’s because I’m a piece of shit.  I can’t see anything good in myself so I constantly rib other people.  My one friend is mad at me right now because I said something even _I_ know was cruel.  I have no major aspirations for my future, I don’t even _care_ at this point if I make it to graduation.  I have zero redeeming qualities that make me worth anything-”

“Tsuki-”

“No! You wanted to hear so just shut up.” Tsukishima took a big inhale before continuing. “I’m pathetic. Garbage.  I act like I’m better than everyone else but I fall short in nearly everything, so I don’t even bother trying anymore.  Because what’s the point?  To have _fun_? To feel good about myself? Everything’s a load of BS.  None of this is going to matter in five, ten years’ time.  No one is going to care that I was mediocre at volleyball, no one’s going to care that I got an above average score on my math test.  And the worst part of everything is that I can’t handle this.  I am not capable of having you telling me you love me because I don’t know what to do with that! Am I supposed to say it back? Am I supposed to live up to some idealized standard that you have for me?  I’m never going to be able to meet that, I don’t even know if I can ever tell you that I love you.  I’ve been failing at meeting other people’s expectations since I can remember, and it’s terrifying that the one person I want to please will someday be dissatisfied.  And of course, there’s the small matter of the fact that I hate myself.  How can someone love me when I can’t even live inside my own head without wanting to blow my own brains out?  It’s impossible. I cannot fathom a situation in which you telling me you love me would be okay.  That’s why I want you to hate me.  Why I don’t want you to tell me that you love me.  It’ll be easier for me when you do finally decide to leave.”

Kuroo stared up at him as he finished, bottom lip pulled in between his teeth. Tsukishima wrung his hands out as he tried to catch his breath.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?”

Kuroo shrugged, pushing himself off of the bed and walking over to face Tsukishima.  “I don’t hate you. And I’m kind of offended you’d say some of those things, but this isn’t about me.”

Tsukishima coughed, mouth dry as Kuroo stared holes into his skull.  He was ashamed that he actually admitted to feeling some things that he did, but he couldn’t help it. Those things had been ingrained in his being for most of his life, for as long as he could consciously remember.

“I’m not going to tell you I hate you.”

“Okay.”

“And I’m not going to stop telling you that I love you.” Kuroo must have seen the distressed look on his face as he pulled Tsukishima to his chest, squishing him into a bruising hug. “You can hate yourself and beat yourself up for things that no one else thinks is true, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop.  I’m not indulging your pity party.”

When Tsukishima says nothing in reply, Kuroo takes a step back while keeping a grasp on the blonde’s shoulders.  He runs his hands evenly down his arms until he reaches Tsukishima’s hands and takes them in his own.

“You can’t have your own way all the time.  If I indulge you too much, you’re going to get spoiled.”

Tsukishima scoffs, letting Kuroo swing his hands back and forth.  “No, I won’t.”

Kuroo laughs, picking up one of Tsukishima’s hands and planting a kiss on his palm.  “I love you.”

Tsukishima tries to suppress a smile, and ends up twisting his face into a painful grimace that only makes Kuroo laugh harder. “Just shut up, Kuroo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This didn't come out quite like I wanted, and I forgot I hadn't finished writing it until about twenty minutes ago, so I apologize for being a lazy bum and not getting stuff done UGH.


	25. You remind me of someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 25 Prompt : You remind me of someone.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters.

You’re so familiar.

Like maybe, I used to know you a long time ago.

You have the same messy black hair that can’t be tamed by washing or hair gel.  You have the same stature and the same lazy, relaxed posture.  You even have the same feline face, though it’s hard to imagine you with his cocky grin and droopy eyes. No, your features are different.  Hardened almost, from years and years of trial and disappointment.

I won’t say that I’m not selfish for feeling this way.  We promised each other to stand by each other’s side through high school and college and into our adult lives.  But that was before I learned what lay behind the face you put up every day to throw the world off.  What lies beyond the person I knew is someone I barely recognize.  Someone I can’t see myself being with for a long period of time.

Yes, you have all the same physical features.  You wear the same clothes and you make your breakfast the same way.  But I hardly recognize you anymore.  Instead of that glimmer in your eye when you’re teasing someone, all that’s left is malice.  That’s how I know you’re no longer joking around.  When the harsh words you say are serious they burn, leaving little invisible scars behind.  Also, your smiles are no longer genuine.  They are only socially constructed expressions that show when you know you’re supposed to smile.  Your face is flat during these fake smiles, unlike the real ones you used to show.  The old ones reached your eyes, crinkling the skin at the corners and wrinkling the bridge of your nose.  You always looked like you were about to start laughing.  But now, you look as if you’ve never even heard a laugh.  I realized this last week, when I finally noticed how thin your lips were.  I guess I never observed this detail before because they were always spread against your teeth as opposed to being pressed in a straight line.

It’s just…You remind me so much of the you I used to know that I can’t help but feel a little bit overwhelmed with the fact that you’ve changed so much in five years.  I know people say that ‘college will change people’ and that once you get out in the real world and all of your fantasies of what adult life is supposed to be like are crushed you will finally see people’s true colors.  But I thought I knew you already.  I thought you wouldn’t change.  But you did. 

I was in denial of it for the longest time.  Others had brought it to my attention, some even said that our relationship was ‘unhealthy’.  I didn’t believe them. But then you yelled at me for the first time.  I have never heard you raise your voice that way before.  I knew you could be loud, that your voice carried enough for people to listen to you.  That’s one of the reasons you made such a good captain in high school; people respected you, listened to you, and acknowledged the words that came out of your mouth.  But this…This was pure anger.  I would have assumed hatred if you hadn’t immediately apologized and said you loved me.  I’m no longer sure at this point if I should have listened to those words because you yelled at me again the next week, and nearly every night since.

I’m not sure what exactly changed in you.  What made you so angry and hateful that you decided that the only way to live was to say fuck the world and barrel through life at a breakneck speed?  Sometimes, especially if you’ve had a few to drink, the way you act terrifies me.  I know what you’ve gone through since high school, because I’ve been with you nearly every step of the way since then.  I know your family disowned you when they discovered your relationship with me.  I know you couldn’t keep a job for a few months because you always had some unknown source discredit you and I know you’ve been out every day for the last two months trying to find a new one.  I know you’re worried, because how could something like this ever be okay? I promised you that we would make it through, but I don’t think you believe me or trust me enough as long as you’re acting this way.

I wish you would trust me again.  Maybe then you would return to being someone I recognize.

Kuroo, you say you haven’t changed.  You say that it’s all me.  That my expectations are higher or that I’ve grown dissatisfied with what you can give me.  Maybe you’re right.  Maybe I am different.  I went through everything by your side, and I wouldn’t doubt for a second that everything we saw together didn’t alter me as well.  But can you really blame me for wanting something better?  Something more fulfilling that doesn’t leave me worried and stressed and ultimately dead inside?  I would never say you’re abusive, because I know that’s not who you really are.  Sure, you say harsh things to me.  You’ve made me feel so awful about myself that I want to die.  But the sad thing is that I remember you from what seems like so long ago.  I remember how you used to lay beside me in the dark and whisper sweet things in my ear.  I remember how your hands felt on my bare skin when you felt I was so fragile that one small move would break me.  And most importantly, I remember how you were the one who built up my self-esteem after a lifetime of self-loathing.  How could I ever say that you have hurt me worse than you healed me?  They say that in a relationship, one must complete seven positive actions to counteract every negative action.  If you go by that math, you’re still far ahead of the curve when it comes to positive versus negative.  Maybe that’s why I’m finding it so difficult to let go.  You have done so much good in my life that the bad doesn’t even begin to compare.  But the problem is you haven’t said or done one nice thing towards me in the past month.  If you said good morning or kissed me on the cheek like you used to, maybe I wouldn’t feel as if you had completely lost your way.

You’re a faint glimmer of what you used to be.  An enigma I can no longer grasp at with my own hands.  What you were is fading into the background, and what you’ve become is slowly dominating my vision and I can hardly see what it was I loved about you.  Your laugh? That can’t be it because the only laugh that grinds out between your teeth is cynical and cruel.  Your eyes?  Well I know that’s not what it was because your eyes now only look at me with anger and hate.

The Kuroo I knew didn’t hate me.  But I don’t know if you do or not.  I just wish you would tell me.  Will you ever come back?  Will I ever see the loving, kind idiot that I started dating years ago? Because this wait and see thing isn’t working for me.  I don’t like the person that you’ve turned into.  But it’s selfish for me to say that I want you to change back into your old self.  I think that Kuroo is probably gone.  You’ve seen too much and gone through too much to be exactly the same as you were years ago.

But I don’t think I know you anymore.

Are those crime dramas your favorite things to watch on the weekends?

Do you like to drink iced coffee when it’s below freezing outside?

Would you save an injured kitten even if it looked like it was about to die?

You remind me of someone that would do those things.

And I miss you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't written a day yet from Tsuki's first person POV, what is this travesty? Hopefully it doesn't sound too OOC. I find its easier for me to write like I'm Kuroo than Tsuki. UGH.
> 
> Five more days, I'm kind of sad. But Day 26 is a special surprise and you guys are probably going to hate me for it oh ho ho~
> 
> Unfortunately, that's going to be a bit delayed, because I'm going away for a few days and I'm not bringing my laptop with me. So, Day 26 will come on Saturday or Sunday instead of tomorrow and the other days will resume at one day at a time after that until we're done. Thanks for understanding!


	26. I can be like you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 26 Prompt : I can be like you.
> 
> I said I had a surprise for you guys, so here it is.
> 
> This IS a continuation of previous days! Days 1, 2, and 3 to be correct. If you forgot what those were about, I definitely suggest that you go read them again before reading today's chapter. ಥ‿ಥ

The bruises were still there. Two…no…three weeks after Tsukishima had decided to stay.  They were there, mocking him as they faded from red, to black, to a sickly yellow color that still stood prominently against Kuroo’s skin.

_‘How could you be so stupid?’_

_‘You’re such an idiot for trusting him.’_

_‘He’ll only hurt you again!’_

They were a silent reminder, yet they seemed to scream at him every time he watched Kuroo lift his shirt over his head.  They peppered his shoulders like freckles, and Tsukishima doubted that they would ever really go away.  Even after they faded back into his skin, the memory would still be burned into the back of his eyes.  He’d never be able to unsee them.  Just like he’d never forget what had put them there.

Another man’s mouth had been on his boyfriend’s body.

The person he had dedicated over a year of his life to had let another man see him in what was meant to be the most intimate, private part of himself.  A part that Tsukishima thought had been reserved for himself alone.

The thought of it made Tsukishima want to pull his hair out.  To scream and cry and kick a hole through the wall.  He had told Kuroo that he forgave him.  That it was ‘okay’ if he promised never to do what he did again.  He shouldn’t have done that.  When he did, Kuroo tried to return to a normal routine, one that was familiar from before the night Tsukishima found out his boyfriend had cheated on him.  On the one hand, it was comforting.  Kuroo was there in the morning, making breakfast before Tsukishima even got out of bed.  He was there in the evening, with a glass of tea and hot water ready for Tsukishima to take a shower.  He would shower Tsukishima with compliments and niceties in a way that was identical to the times before. It was exactly the same, and that was what was the most heartbreaking.

Every time Kuroo kissed him on the cheek as he entered their apartment at night was like a slap to the face.

Each night as Tsukishima laid in bed beside him, he imagined the faceless other lying in his spot, occupying Kuroo’s line of vision.

And in the sparse occasions that Tsukishima let Kuroo touch him after that first night, he couldn’t help but wonder where those hands had been.   Had Kuroo been the one on top, or did the other man tread through waters he scarcely entered himself?  He knew a few of the places Kuroo’s mouth had been, just from the taste on Kuroo’s lips afterwards and he knew that they had done something that warranted the use of a condom.  He never asked, because he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know.

It made him feel hollow inside, as if a cavernous, gaping hole had been punched right through him and try as he might to fill it with Kuroo’s proclamations of love and devotion, everything fell through and shattered on the ground at his feet. Every word Kuroo said seemed empty, a result of either habit or forced will power.  Tsukishima could see that the only reason Kuroo stayed was to make himself feel better about what he did.  It was a sort of atonement almost, every kind word and gesture of affection an offering to some higher power that one day he might be truly forgiven, or at least released from the confines of this relationship.  If he had wanted out before this moment, Tsukishima knew Kuroo would never voluntarily leave now.  He had ruined his chances by offering himself up for forgiveness.  He had lost his way when Tsukishima accepted him, and now he was trapped in a web of insincerity and guilt.

Tsukishima did not know how Kuroo truly felt.  He had seemed so genuine the night Tsukishima returned; the night he had allowed Kuroo to lay his hands on him while he stared up at the ceiling.  But now, he wasn’t so sure.  His promises where either hollow or strained by the pressure he was being held under.  Tsukishima knew he wasn’t being fare.  He knew he should either release Kuroo with the knowledge that he had forever ruined whatever it was they had, or he should allow himself to truly forgive his cheating boyfriend while his actions still hung over Tsukishima’s head like a guillotine.  Either way, Tsukishima felt as if he was lost holding the short end of the stick.  He was either a lonely son of a bitch who was cheated on, or a fool for letting the perpetrator remain by his side.

It hurt every time he saw the bruises.

It hurt every time he heard Kuroo speak or call his name from another room.

It hurt, and he wanted Kuroo to hurt too.

The decision wasn’t instantaneous.  He wanted Kuroo to feel the same pain, but he didn’t know how. He wanted out, but he didn’t want Kuroo to have it so easy.  That man had destroyed his trust, broke his heart and shattered any ideals he had about carrying on a perfect relationship.  He wanted to leave, but not until he made Kuroo experience exactly what sort of hell he put him through.  It was easy enough to bring someone home, into their bed and between their sheets.  He kissed Tsukishima with an easy grace that Kuroo did not possess.  His boyfriend was all teeth and tongue and rogue emotions spilling out between his lips.

It was easy enough, Tsukishima thought.  He could be like Kuroo too.  He could do this with no semblance of a conscience.  He could do this, let this man fuck him and let Kuroo find the evidence.  He wanted to see the pain distorting Kuroo’s features, to see a mirrored image of his own expression from that night. He could do this. He could do this and then it would all be over.

“I can’t do this.”

The man nodded, removing himself from Tsukishima’s neck before pulling his shirt back over his head and leaving the apartment.  He didn’t say anything, didn’t ask any questions as Tsukishima locked the door behind him.  He had probably seen the pictures of Kuroo above his bed or noticed the shirt that was clearly too big for him draped across the desk chair.  He could tell the man knew what he was trying to do, and he didn’t try to pry.

Tsukishima checked his reflection in the mirror just inside their bedroom door.  His neck was red from where the man had kissed him, and there were scratches down his torso from where his nails ran across the skin.  It was not what Tsukishima had intended, but it would be enough to elicit a reaction.  He slipped a v-neck shirt over his body, proudly displaying the red patches of skin from below the fabric.  Kuroo would be home in a couple hours, and his skin was fair enough to still hold the marks for that time, so he lay back on their mussed bed, pulling a pack of cigarettes from the bedside table.  He didn’t smoke often, and hadn’t done it in two weeks.  Tsukishima said he only ever felt the desire after sex, clichéd as that was.

Tsukishima lit the cigarette, taking a short drag so that the smoke was on his breath before letting it burn, tipping the ash into an empty water bottle.  He let the butt fall into the trashcan when he heard the front door click open, waving his hands around him to more evenly spread out the smell of smoke in their bedroom.  Kuroo never liked the smell, but accepted it a while ago as a side-effect of sleeping with Tsukishima.

He could hear Kuroo messing around in the kitchen, probably not realizing that he wasn’t alone in the apartment yet.  Kuroo often returned much earlier that Tsukishima did as he opted to take early morning classes while Tsukishima favored the late morning and afternoon.  It was rare for Tsukishima to arrive home before him, so hopefully that will add to the atmosphere when Kuroo finally makes his way back to the bedroom.

Kuroo enters with an apple in one hand and his school bag slung across his shoulders.  He looks at Tsukishima lying on their bed with a confused frown on his face, discarding his items on the desk.

“What are you doing home so early?” When Tsukishima gives no reaction besides a short grunt and a shoulder shrug, Kuroo presses on.  “Did you skip class?”

“Cancelled.”

“Oh.” Kuroo comes over and sits on the bed next to Tsukishima, pressing a quick kiss to the side of his cheek.  Tsukishima can feel his breath ghosting over the skin at his neck and knows he’s close enough to see the red marks speckling his skin.  And from the way Kuroo scrunches up his nose, Tsukishima knows he smells the smoke.  “Do anything fun this afternoon?”

Tsukishima shrugs and lifts his hands over his head, shirt riding up just enough to expose the scratches on his stomach.  Kuroo shifted a bit beside him, reaching over to pull his shirt back down.

“Anything you need to tell me?”

“Not anything important.”

“Okay.” Kuroo stands up and grabs some new clothes from the closet before shuffling off to the bathroom. Tsukishima frowns, rolling off the bed to follow him.  That was not the reaction he had hoped to produce.  He had wanted Kuroo to get angry, to shout at him or something.  Not meekly accept it like he didn’t know what Tsukishima did.  Or at least, tried to do.

He stood outside the bathroom door, waiting for Kuroo to finish his shower.  It was dark in the hallway, and Kuroo jumped when he emerged from the bright bathroom to see Tsukishima standing there.

“Oh, hey.” Kuroo rubbed a towel over his hair, already letting it stick up in ridiculous angles as it dried.  “Need something, Kei? I’m all done in there if that’s what you were waiting for.”

 “Why didn’t you say something?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  Kuroo brushes past him, a blank, indifferent look on his face.  “Do you want me to get mad at you for something? Because I’m not.”

Tsukishima follows him as he makes his way back to the kitchen. “Why not? Doesn’t it infuriate you? The idea of someone else being with me?”

“I guess ‘cause I know you didn’t actually do anything.”  Kuroo reaches down to pull a bottle of water out of the refrigerator before leaning against the counter.  The same counter he leaned against when Tsukishima confronted him weeks ago.  “I mean, I guess someone had to make those…” He points towards his own neck to indicate what he was talking about. “But I can tell you didn’t go through with it.”

“How?”

“Well, other than the hickeys and the cigarette smoke, nothing else in the room made it seem like you did anything wrong.” Kuroo shrugged and took a drink out of his bottle. “I guess I’m more concerned with why you wanted me to think you had sex with someone else.”

“Kuroo, I don’t-”

Kuroo let out a loud sigh, bracing his hands against the counter top. “Do you want me to leave?”

Tsukishima nodded, wrapping his arms around himself as he stared holes into the floor.  This wasn’t what he wanted.  He wanted Kuroo to be upset, to be angry and cry and scream.  But now, Tsukishima felt guilty for something he didn’t even do.  He just wanted this to be over with.  This was unhealthy, and Tsukishima was tired of trying.

“Okay.” Kuroo pushes himself off of the counter and starts heading to the bedroom before Tsukishima steps in front of him.

“Okay? That’s it?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Kuroo scratches at the back of his head and gives Tsukishima a sad little smile.  “I mean, I kind of knew this was coming.  You said you forgave me and everything, but I can tell you’re not really happy.  I tried to do what I could to make up for what I did so we could move past it, but I understand if you can’t.  I didn’t know exactly what you were going to do, and it sucks that you would try to do the same thing to me, but I’m glad you didn’t.  It just shows you’re a better person than me.”

Tsukishima shakes his head, denying everything that Kuroo said.  “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

“I know.” Kuroo reaches up, pulling Tsukishima’s face down into his shoulder.  Tsukishima wraps his arms around Kuroo’s waist, trying not to break down and cry.  “And no matter how many times I say I’m sorry, we both know it won’t change what I did. So let’s just leave it at that and be done with this.”

Tsukishima takes a few steps back when Kuroo releases him.  He watches as Kuroo walks away, back into the bedroom to return a few minutes later with his school backpack and a duffle bag.  He pauses in the doorway, giving Tsukishima the opportunity to say something.

“You don’t have to go.”

Kuroo laughs cynically, letting the duffle bag drop to the ground but keeping its strap wrapped around his hand.  “I think we both know I do.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.  So…”

“Just let me know when you need to come back.  Keep your keys for now, I guess.”

“Yeah sure.” Kuroo hefted his bag back onto his shoulder. “I guess I better go.”

“Probably.”

Kuroo closes his eyes, rubbing the back of his hand over them as he drags a thick breath in through his teeth.  When he opens them again, Tsukishima notices the wet shine on his eyelashes, and realizes Kuroo is trying just as hard not to cry. 

“You know, Kei, maybe I fucked up.  But I never lied to you. Come here.” Kuroo opened his arms, inviting Tsukishima to step between them one last time.  He presses a quick kiss to the side of his jaw before whispering in his ear.  “I love you.  And I hope you can actually forgive me one day.”

Kuroo releases him, rubbing a hand through Tsukishima’s blonde hair before turning around and exiting the apartment.  Tsukishima watches him leave, down the flights of stairs, across the complex’s courtyard and down the road before he is concealed by a building.  The sun is starting to set, and an orange glow is cast over everything as Tsukishima retreats inside, clicking the lock shut and going back to his bedroom.

He still feels hollow, but it’s different this time.  He knows he’ll miss Kuroo, despite what he did.  But now, it finally feels as if he can start rebuilding that hole in his chest.  Maybe it won’t feel the same.  Maybe everything won’t fit back together exactly as he hoped.  But maybe one day everything will fall back into place and he will forget what it feels like to be empty and destroyed inside.  And maybe he’ll be able to fulfill Kuroo’s wish for forgiveness, but until that time comes, Tsukishima decided he was probably best left off alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for your patience while I was on vacation. I hope it was worth it. Tomorrow starts off the suggested prompts, and oh boy is tomorrow's a zinger. I have yet to write day 30, but only four days left. (╥_╥)


	27. Cry for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 27 Prompt : Author's Choice/Cry for Me
> 
> Prompt suggested by my bby Julia - kaizer_bba (AO3)/ hulyanina (tumblr)
> 
> Also, I was told not to do this by decapitated-barbiedoll on tumblr, so some of the credit goes to them as well.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous chapters, though you could look at it like that if you want.
> 
> Also, TRIGGER WARNING : Suicide.

Is it selfish to ask this?

To ask if you’ll cry for me, despite everything I’ve put you through.  Because really, Kei, that’s only one of my two requests for you.  The first is for you to cry, so I can see the tears running down your gorgeous face and so that I know that what we had was real.  The second is for you to move on.  To forget about me and every stupid thing I’ve put you through.  To be happy.

I’ve cheated.

I’ve lied.

I’ve tried to drink my pain away only to have you get barreled over in the process.

I’ve hurt you and ruined your life.  You may deny that, but I know it’s true.

You shouldn’t be worrying about me.  You should be off living your life, finishing college and getting a good job and finding some girl to marry and have kids with.  Not hovering over me, watching my every move just in the hope that I won’t do something stupid.  But it sucks, knowing that the only reason you are the way you are is because I am the way I am.  I can’t live inside my own fucking head without wanting to blow my brains out.  I guess, by the time you find this letter, that’s probably exactly what I’ve done.

I hate that you’re probably going to be the one to find me. But, I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t continue living this way.  I’m depressed. Angry.  Nothing ever seems to go in my favor and with the reasons people keep giving me for fucking up my life, nothing ever will go right for me. You are literally the only good thing that has ever happened to me.  I’m sorry that I came to you so damaged.  I didn’t mean for you to get caught up in my bullshit and take you down with me.  Honestly, I never thought this would last for as long as it did.  I thought this was, at most, going to be a one month fling that ended as quick as it began.  But you were different than what I first expected.  Instead of a snarky, inconsiderate and insensitive brat, I found that you were really just a kind, easily flustered kid who had never received any real attention before.  I fell in love with you so fast after that, and I know I dragged you down with me.

You’re probably wondering why.  What tipped me over the edge that this would be the only option?  I’m sorry I can’t give you a definite answer.  I’m just so tired.  My body’s tired.  My brain’s tired.  Every single shitty thing that has ever happened to me, from my childhood with my shithole dad, to the recent rejections when applying for jobs, everything’s just been piling up on top of me like a mountain.  Seeing you crying in the bathroom a couple of nights ago after I shouted at you was the last straw.  I can’t keep doing this to you.  Stringing you along only to let you smack face-first into the pavement.  It’s not fair, and it’s not right.  And I can’t just breakup with you because I know I’ll just keep coming back.  You’ll keep coming back.  If I stay here, I’ll still want you no matter how terribly I’ve hurt you.  The only way to get you to move on is if I’m just gone.

Despite that, I don’t want you to think this is about you.  I’m not doing this because of you, despite the benefits you’ll receive as a consequence.  I guess, I always base my actions on how you’ll react now.  That started a while ago.  If I didn’t think you could handle it, if, god-forbid, if I thought you would follow me, I wouldn’t do this.  But you’re strong.  So strong. Stronger than I will ever be and that’s how I know you’ll be okay.

I’m hopeless. But you’re a better person than me and I know you will be able to fight past this.  Just like you’ve always done.

Just–, Kei. I want you to know one thing.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

\-----

\-----

The letter cuts off at that. Three words said three times, just like always. No signature. No end. No real explanation.

The piece of paper was shaking in his hands as he tried to bite back a sob.  Yamaguchi was in the other room, putting things in boxes in the living room.  The landlord had agreed to break the lease early, understanding that Tsukishima could no longer afford to make rent on his own.  He was also a kind enough man that he wouldn’t make someone live in an apartment stained with their boyfriend’s blood.

He hadn’t been back in two weeks.  Someone had come in and cleaned everything up.  There were no visible traces of what had happened, but Tsukishima didn’t need physical proof.  He could still see him, lying on the floor as his warmth slipped out from beneath Tsukishima’s fingers while he hurriedly dialed the emergency number in the hope that somebody would get there in time.

They didn’t.

He hadn’t been back in two weeks.  He wasn’t okay.  He doubted he ever would be, but at least he was able to get a couple of hours of sleep each night before he woke up shaking and sobbing and so very, very alone.  Finding this letter was like ripping the stitches out of his wounds, and now he was bleeding out again.  He found it stuffed inside his pillowcase, a place Kuroo knew he hid things important to him.  He read it over again and again, crumpling the paper between his fists as a few tears dripped down from his face and smudged the ink that Kuroo had written his last words in.  He let out a loud screech as one dropped onto the last line on the page, smearing the ‘I love you’ placed there until it was hardly recognizable.  Yamaguchi is at his side in less than a minute, patting circles into his back as Tsukishima sobs on his shoulder.  He whispers little phrases in his ear.

“It’ll be okay, Tsuki.”

“Calm down. Don’t worry, we’re here to help you.”

“Tsuki, please stop crying, he wouldn’t want that.”

Tsukishima shoved the piece of paper in Yamaguchi’s hands, letting him read it as tears silently slid across his cheeks.  When he was done, he watched as his friend flattened the paper out on the desk, folding it into a neat rectangle before scrounging around in the desk for something.  He pulled an envelope out of one of the drawers and slid the letter inside before tucking the back flap in.  He pulled all of the pictures of Kuroo and Tsukishima off the wall behind the desk and placed them together in a clean stack.  With the envelope and pictures in hand, Yamaguchi walks back over to the bed and pulls the case off of Kuroo’s pillow and places the pieces of paper inside, folding it all into a neat little rectangle.  He gently places the package in Tsukishima’s limp hands before pulling his friend into another hug.

“Put it somewhere safe.  Somewhere you won’t forget.”

Tsukishima nods, folding his hands over the cloth.

“I’ll be out here again.  Call if you need anything.”

Tsukishima nods again, watching as Yamaguchi leaves the room, leaving the door propped open behind him. Once he was gone, Tsukishima looks over the room again from his perch on the bed.  It was the same as it always was.  The closet that held his and Kuroo’s clothes was still cracked open on the right side, and he could see Kuroo’s favorite pair of sneakers spilling out onto the floor.  Kuroo’s favorite books were still on the shelf beside the desk, the well-read ones pulled out slightly farther than the rest.  There was still a dented and scratched area of the wall behind the bed’s headboard from when they too aggressively slept in it.  Everything was the same, apart from the pictures now missing above the desk.  But the room still felt empty, foreign almost, despite having an appearance of being lived in for over a year.  There was only one thing that would fix the emptiness, and he was long gone by this point.

There were three truths in Kuroo’s letter.

The first was that Tsukishima had been the one to find him. No one else had a key to the apartment.  Who knows how long he would have been there if Tsukishima hadn’t come home that night.  He still felt like there was something he could have done to save him.  Maybe he could have pressed against his wounds a little harder, stuffed something in to stymie the blood.  But he didn’t.  Tsukishima was just glad he was able to say goodbye.  It was better than finding him once his life had drained out of him and he was nothing more than a vessel.

The second was that Kuroo loved him.  He did, despite the contradictory nature of his actions.  He hadn’t taken the time to write anyone else a letter, not even his own mother.  He’d also left an array of Tsukishima’s favorite things in the kitchen.  Strawberries and peach juice and little candies that fizzed when they touched your tongue.  Kuroo probably assumed he would need something sweet afterwards.  He had eaten all of them the same night, though he hardly tasted anything as he choked on his own breath.

The third and final truth was more of a completion of Kuroo’s request.  He cried every night since that day.  He cried, and he hoped that wherever he is, Kuroo was able to see him.  To see that there is no beauty in death, and there is no grace in the eyes of those left behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think Yams doesn't comfort Tsuki all the time you're wrong. And also, I'm sorry. I'm SO SORRY. I was told not to write a suicide note, but I did and now here's this.
> 
> I'm sorry.


	28. Don't pretend like you care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 28 Prompt : Author's Choice / Don't pretend like you care.
> 
> Prompt suggest by crossdressingkurapika on Tumblr.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous days.
> 
> Also, I tried out a little bit of a different format so to avoid confusion here's a key : 
> 
> Plain Text - Kuroo's thoughts.
> 
> Italicized - Tsukishima's thoughts.
> 
> Bold - They are thinking together.
> 
> They are not speaking to each other unless there are quotation marks. Only thinking inside of their own heads.

**Don’t pretend like you care.**

You’re just sitting there…

_…on the bed…_

…on the floor.  You don’t even raise your head when I call your name.

_The only response you give me is a short grunt to let me know you’re listening._

**What do you want from me?**

I don’t know how to be with you anymore.

_I don’t remember how to make you happy._

How long has it been like this?

_How long has it been since you last looked forward to coming to see me?_

It used to be so different.  You would open the door with a smile on your face. Or at least what passes as a smile for you.  That’s how I knew you were glad that I was here.  But now it’s only exasperation.

_A groan on the other end of the phone line when I say I’m free for the weekend._

A loud sigh that tells me you would rather have stayed tucked away in a corner of your bedroom than made the effort to get up and greet me.

_You ask what’s wrong. I say I’m fine.  Stop taking my words at face value.  I know your questions about my well-being are only a force of habit.  You don’t care._

You never cared.

_I was only ever something for you to play with on the weekends.  A quick fuck that we let get too serious too fast.  I didn’t want this._

I actually really liked you in the beginning. You were impolite and rude, and you didn’t show any respect to your seniors.  I thought I could tame you.  I thought if I brought you under my wing, you might be happier.  I thought I could be the grand thing that changed your life.

_You shouldn’t have tried to change me.  I am the way I am for a reason. I was happy before._

I know you were happy before.  I should have just left you alone.

_I did grow to like spending time with you.  You were knowledgeable about things that I enjoy, though you never became any less obnoxious.  I just started wanting to get to know you a little better._

I wanted to know what it was like being you.

_How does Kuroo live outside of volleyball?  Does he like watching any other sports?_

Why does Tsuki have so many dinosaur toys in his bedroom?

_Who taught him that that was an appropriate way to wear his hair?_

What is the last thing Kei thinks about before he falls asleep?

_What’s the first thing Tetsurou thinks about when he wakes up?_

**I wanted it to be me.**

_It was you for a while._

I couldn’t sleep the night before our first date.  I was so desperate to impress you, to prove that I wasn’t just some jackass that likes to tease you during joint practices.

_I always woke up earlier than I intended the mornings before I would go to meet you.  I was so anxious just to get it over with that I’d wake up two, three hours before my alarm went off.  I hoped you wouldn’t think I was just a bratty little teenager.  I wanted you to like me._

I wanted you to love me.

**I wanted to make you happy.**

I noticed a few weeks ago that you no longer answered text messages immediately.  Sometimes it would be ten or twenty minutes between your replies.  Sometimes you wouldn’t answer at all.

_You started responding to my ‘I love you’ with an ‘okay’.  I don’t know what happened._

What did I do?

_How did I manage to push you away so fast?_

It’s only been six months.  I’m almost done with my first year of college.  Maybe you’re feeling left out.

_Maybe you would rather have someone your own age.  Someone you can relate to with all of that college stuff I haven’t been exposed to yet.  Someone who isn’t me._

I tried to make this work.  Video chats every weekend I couldn’t come to see you.

_Phone calls every night._

It didn’t work.

_You were too busy with school.  I was too busy with volleyball._

It was like one of those clichéd summer romances.  One where you meet in summer and everything’s all peachy until the snow hits the ground.

_Our first real fight was the day after Christmas.  I don’t even remember what it was about.  It was just then that I realized…_

**I don’t love you.**

I did, once upon a time.

_I loved you more than anyone else I’d ever met._

I loved your hands.

_Your stupid smile._

The way your eyes lit up when I bought you strawberries.

_The way you curl over my back when we’re lying next to each other._

 I loved everything about you.

_But now when I look at you, I can’t see any of those things that I thought I once adored._

I don’t hate you.

_I could never hate you._

I just don’t think this is working out the way that we planned.

_We never really had a plan, but after the first couple months, I could have imagined us being together forever._

I wish we could have been together longer.

_I wish I didn’t have to do this._

I don’t want to move from here.  Sitting on your bed, watching you turn another page in your book.

_I can feel your eyes on my skin. You’ve been watching me for an hour. I know you have something to say._

**Stop pretending you care.**

_Stop saying everything’s okay when it’s not._

Stop saying you miss me when you probably didn’t even notice I was gone.

_Stop asking about my day as if it interests you._

Stop spending the night on the weekends instead of doing whatever it is you would rather be doing.

**I want you to be happy.**

I care about you.

_I care about your happiness._

But I can’t do this anymore if you don’t give me any indication as to what it is you want.

_Maybe we’re on different paths._

Maybe we met at the wrong time.

_I want you to go._

I want to stay. But not like this.

_We’re too different to be together._

We’re too alike to make this work.

_Our personalities will to continue to clash if we continue on like this._

I don’t want to fight with you again.

_We should probably just talk about it. Get it out of the way._

My tongue feels too big for my mouth every time I try to get the words out.  But it has to be said.

**“I can’t do this anymore.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmmmm????? I've never written something in this way before. But I think I like it. It's a little bit of a break from...the super sads I guess. Still sad but it doesn't feel as sad as some of the sads. I wanted to provide a sort of different perspective. Kind of like what are both parties thinking as a relationship just fizzles out and dies.
> 
> Two more days.
> 
> Thank you crossdressingkurapika for the prompt, I hope you enjoyed it!


	29. I miss the way you used to say my name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 29 Prompt : Author's Choice/I miss the way you used to say my name.
> 
> Prompt suggested by yaaaku on Tumblr.
> 
> This in NOT a continuation of previous days.

Kuroo Tetsurou.

Five simple syllables that roll off of your tongue in so many different ways.  With love, admiration, annoyance, anger, and jest.  It always sounds perfect, no matter which way you say it.

Kei, you used to say it all the time, but now, it’s as if you can’t even speak.  You communicate with me in nods and grunts and sighs that mean nothing to me.  Did you even notice that you weren’t talking to me much anymore? You probably did, because you don’t do anything that doesn’t have a purpose behind it.  Even if it’s just the way you say my name.

When we first met, it was always Kuroo-san.  I don’t know if it was because you wanted to make sure you were being respectful (doubtful) or if you wanted to make sure there was a barrier between you and I.  The formality and politeness of the way you called my name was always overlaid with a sort of snide and mocking tone that let me know that you weren’t really taking anything I said seriously.  Either that or you were just irritated. Probably both, knowing you.  But it left something to be desired, something more familiar that the honorifics just didn’t carry with them.

Then eventually, you just started calling me Kuroo, like everyone else.  I assumed it was because you were starting to get more comfortable around me.  When you started to actually listen to me in practice, I could hear a little bit of the respect and reverence that wasn’t there before.  It was around then that I realized I wanted more, that I wanted to hear you say my name when we’re in a too-crowded shopping mall and you have to raise your voice above your normal bored, monotone level.  I wanted to hear what it sounded like when you whisper it to me in a quiet bookstore.  I wanted to hear it falling off your lips in a gasp that’s more like a breath than a statement seconds after I kissed you.  I wanted more than I was sure you were able to give me, so I never said anything until a couple years later when we were both out of high school.

When we met again in the campus bookstore, I was glad that the way you said my name hadn’t changed much.  You were surprised, eyes wide behind glasses that were different from the ones you had when you were a first year in high school.  You said those old ones had gotten stepped on by that spiky headed libero when he got too excited and tripped onto your gym bag.  I never told you, but I liked your new ones.  The thinner frame really suits your face, and you can see your eyes more clearly.  That’s always been my favorite thing about you.  Your eyes, I mean.  No matter what light or setting you’re in, they always look gorgeous.  Always a deep golden color that seems like something out of a fairy tale, they burn brighter when you’re angry and seem to shimmer like molten gold when they are squinched up in a smile.  I love your eyes almost as much I loved you.

Love you.

Sorry. I guess in my head, you’re already gone and I don’t want to say anything else that will upset you like telling you that I’ll love you forever.

I guess what upsets me the most is that I don’t even really know what happened.  I’ve asked you so many times what happened. What did I do?  Did I say something wrong?  Did I upset you somehow?  But you won’t tell me.  You just scoff under your breath and turn away like I should already know what it is that I did.  I’m not a mind reader, Kei.  I can’t imagine what you’re thinking about if you don’t tell me.  I’m not as perceptive as you.  I can’t read people’s actions and assign meaning to them in the same way that you can.  That’s another thing I love about you.  You knew for months before I told you that I loved you, just from the way I acted around you.  Of course, I wanted to slap you when you returned my confession with a simple “I know”, but I knew your abrasive personality was something I was going to have to deal with from the very beginning.  But this whole perception thing is something I’m growing to hate as well.  I don’t even know if it was something I intentionally did or something I may have done in passing that I didn’t even assign meaning to myself.

I wish you’d just tell me, then maybe we could go back to how things were before.  Like our first date.  Oh man, you were so wound up I was afraid that if I touched your hand you would just spin off and fly into space.  But I loved the way you said my name then.  It was still just Kuroo, but you said it with a slight stutter and a pink blush across your nose.  You were so fucking adorable that I just wanted to kiss you, swallow up your stutters and make you shut up for a little while.  But you know, there was the whole space thing.  I guess I was just worried that I would scare you off too soon, so I didn’t want to be too forward.  I felt like a goddamn idiot though when I got home and already had a text message from you asking why I didn’t kiss you.  I still wish I had, but I suppose getting to kiss you the next day when you came over to study wasn’t such a bad alternative.  You fell into a babbling mess afterward, your voice so high pitched when you let out that cute little squeak that it almost hurt my ears.  You were stuttering again as you punched my arm, like your tongue was too big for your mouth.  You asked if we were boyfriends, and looked like you were going to pass out when I said yes.  I remember that you stayed pretty flustered for the first couple of weeks, tripping over your words, stumbling over my name. 

Eventually you got comfortable enough to relax around me again.  I liked that time the best I think.  It was before we slept together for the first time, and we could just be together.  Whether it was watching a movie in my living room or studying in the library or cooking dinner with a couple of friends, you always said my name in this special little way that I hope I’ll never forget.  The best way I can describe it is like a lopsided smile.  It would start out slow and low, and by the time the last sound left your mouth, it would have turned up, almost like you were asking me a question.  This is the only time that I really think that you didn’t know what you were doing when you said it.  It made my heart beat so hard, especially when you coupled it with that little teasing smile that let me know you were about to do something shitty.  If it hadn’t been for the sturdiness of my ribcage, I bet you a thousand bucks that my heart would have burst out of my chest and shot off into the countryside, just to get away from your stupid face. 

You’re hazardous to my health, Kei, and not because you hurt me or make me do things that could injure me, but because your smile makes me want to pass out.  The way your hands feel on my skin increases my heart rate so much that one of these days I’m probably going to have a heart attack.  The way you whisper my name in my ear makes me feel lightheaded and dizzy, like I could float off into the sky and become one with the clouds.

One day, I noticed you started using my given name instead of my family name.  You whispered it into my ear to wake me up, and I was so ecstatic that I _accidently_ knocked both of us out of bed.  It was stupid, I know, especially when you told me you had been using it for two weeks and I hadn’t noticed.  Why hadn’t I noticed?  It sounded beautiful, the ‘S’ hissing between your teeth and your beautiful lips rounding out the ‘O’ as you rubbed sleep out of your eyes.  I thought the way you said my family name was special, but this was something different entirely.  No one calls me that, except for my parents at least.  Not even my closest friends.  And now you all of a sudden decide to start using it, without permission like it was no big deal.  Tetsurou.  It’s nothing special.  Not something that makes people weak in the knees when they hear it and it doesn’t strike fear into the hearts of my enemies.  But god, the way you say it makes it sound like the single most important word you’ve ever uttered.  You would say it carefully, like you knew I was waiting, listening for you to say it again.

That was also the week that you gave me permission to call you Kei.  I never have, and never will call you Tsukishima again.  Well, of course unless you ask me to.

I hope you don’t.

I just want things to go back to when you would say my name on the end of a laugh, letting in get caught up in your adorable little giggle that you tried with all your might to conceal.  I miss the lilting sound of it when you were trying to tease me and the deep growl that sometimes came from the bottom of your throat when I had been the one doing the taunting.

I really miss the way it sounds when we’re alone.  It catches on the end of a sigh as you lay on my chest, completely content and at one with the world.  The way you whisper it when you want something more than just laying around, like you’re still too shy to ask me for what you want, even though we both know I would give you anything and everything you wanted as long as you just ask.  The way you coupled my name with an unspoken warning when I had been teasing you too long, when all you wanted is for me to touch you.  Please, please, it’s all you want right now and you know how to weave my name in with your desires in just the perfect way so that I’ll give you everything I can to make it happen.  The sounds you make get progressively louder until you’re nearly screaming, and I have to drown out your noises with a kiss, or else the neighbors will come over to make sure everything’s okay like they did on your last birthday.  By that point, you’re usually not making any sense, but I can still pick out the choked syllables of my name in the jumble of nonsense that pours out of your mouth at the end.  Before, I never would have picked you for the type of person who gets noisy in bed, but god I love it so much. 

It’s kind of sad that I haven’t gotten to hear all of that in the past few weeks as you’re still not talking much to me, but really, I’ll take anything I can get.  Like, the way you say my name when you’re exasperated.  You curl your fingers through your own hair and spit it out with a gust of air that’s a little bit too rough to be a sigh.  Sometimes you yell it when I really piss you off like the time I forgot to tell you I was going home for the weekend and you got so worried that you cried when I finally answered my phone after you had been trying to call me for four hours.  I don’t really like it when you’re yelling at me, but it’s better than nothing.  It shows me at least that you still care.  That we have something together that you’re able to get angry about.  That what we have is enough for you, someone who never shows any of their real emotions, to get so worked up that you have to raise your typically quiet voice.  It hurts like a stab to the heart, but I would rather hear you screaming every day for the rest of my life than to never hear you utter my name again.

I noticed a couple of weeks ago that you stopped calling me Tetsurou.  I don’t know how long it had been before that, but the way you grimaced when you saw my face fall tells me that you’ve probably been calling me Kuroo again for a while.  When did you start calling me by my family name again?  I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t, because I feel like I wouldn’t like the answer.  Why did you decide that you couldn’t call me Tetsurou anymore?  Have I really dug that much of a ditch between us that we aren’t familiar enough for you to continue calling me by my first name?  I just wish you would tell me what I’ve done.  I want to fix it.  Or at least, I want to try.  I want you to want to be with me, but I can’t stand this whole not knowing thing.  You have never readily shared your feelings, always locked away within yourself, hoping that this way, no one will hurt you.  But I need you to share them with me now. Please, Kei, I’ll do anything.

You’re probably wondering where I’ve been going with all this.  It probably doesn’t make any sense.  We’ve talked before about how people always ask ‘how do we get back to the way I was before?’ How do I fix this enough so that I can salvage what little bit of a relationship we still have.  We both agreed that it doesn’t work.  After a shit-storm blows through, you can’t go back to the way it was before.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t form some new reality.  Somewhere that we can both still be happy together, despite whatever bullshit it is that I’ve put you through.

Just please. Talk to me.  Tell me what’s bothering you.

I’ll promise you I will do everything in my power to heal us.

I don’t need you to come to me in a tone laced with honey and sugar, just please, say my name again.  I don’t need anything more than that.  Scream at me if you have to. Spit it out with disgust as you break up with me.  I just can’t be left hanging like this for much longer or else I’ll be so stretched out that nothing of me will be left.

Kei, I just want you to know this. 

I miss the way you used to say my name because now you don’t really say it at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 29 is here and that means day 30 is tomorrow and I'm sad because I'll probably be kicked out of the fandom tomorrow, too. One. More. Day.
> 
> Thank you yaaaku for the prompt, I really enjoyed doing this one and I wish I could do all the ones you sent me!


	30. I'm obsessed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 30 Prompt : Author's Choice/I'm Obsessed.
> 
> Prompt inspired by askcaptaintrash on Tumblr who asked for something about Obsessive Love.
> 
> This is NOT a continuation of previous days.
> 
> also WARNING WARNING WARNING : Abusive Relationship (much more than usual), Major Character Death, Suicide, and Violence.
> 
> (PLEASE read my Author’s Notes at the end. It may provide some clarification as to my purpose in writing this.)

 Things started so simple, you would almost think they had been pulled straight out of an overused Valentine’s movie trope.  You know, the kind of thing where there is love at first sight and one party is completely enamored with the other and nothing goes right until it finally just clicks and everyone lives happily ever after?  Kuroo would never admit it due to the sickly sweet cliché, but he was completely and totally infatuated with him after just a few minutes of being on the opposite sides of a volleyball net.  He had never seen anyone so…gorgeous, because gorgeous was the only way to describe it.  He was all long legs and arms and Kuroo thought he was perfect.  From the wavy blonde hair that stuck to the back of his neck with sweat and beautiful eyes that burned with either passion or annoyance.  He couldn’t be sure which was which, because he didn’t know enough about him yet to make a conclusive determination.  But he wanted to.  He wanted to know everything about him. From what he looked like in the morning to what shapes those adorable little lips made when he was in the middle of ecstasy, Kuroo wanted to know more.

It was hard not getting distracted during their practice match, especially when he was forced to watch his pretty mouth turn up into a smirk when he did something right or when Kuroo noticed the way the muscles in his thighs flexed as he lowered himself before a block.  Somehow, he managed to remain focused and helped lead his team to complete and total domination over the blonde’s side.  Towards the end of the match, he realized he didn’t even know what the other boy’s name was.   Kuroo figured that finding out that information should probably be the first step to learning about him.

After a short conversation with the boy’s captain, he was able to pick his name out of a slew of others that he didn’t really care about.

It was Tsukishima.  Tsukishima Kei.

While he didn’t discover his name by asking the blonde himself, and that was a little disappointing, at least he knew.  It rang in his ears as he approached him after the match, commenting on the rowdiness of Tsukishima’s team.  The blonde scoffed, rolled his eyes and walked away before Kuroo could even complete his thought.

And yet, he wanted him.

Kuroo wanted him completely, in every way imaginable.

It was the only thought in his head as he approached the blonde’s timid little friend.  He never stated his intentions, just wove through the conversation as he coerced Tsukishima’s phone number out of the freckled boy.  He quickly put it into his contact list, adopting the nickname of ‘Tsuki’ to refer to him.  He didn’t like so much that the freckled kid had given it to him, but he thought it fit despite the sour look on his face.

A cute nickname for a cute boy.

Kuroo was disappointed that he never got another opportunity to talk to Tsukishima before he left to return to Tokyo.  It was a little upsetting not knowing the next time he would be able to see him, but he was pacified by the number now resting comfortably in his phone.  In the haze of newfound attraction, he found he was coherent enough to set up a plan of action so that he would not scare the younger boy away.  He would wait a week, two at most to ensure that the memory of him was still fresh in Tsukishima’s mind, before he first contacted him.

It was a Wednesday, two hours after practice had concluded for the evening when Kuroo first reached out to the younger boy.

_Kuroo : heyyy glasses-kun remember me?_

Kuroo waited, tapping a fingernail against his teeth as he stared down at the phone in his hand.  He waited for 10 minutes, staring at the black screen before he finally received a reply.

_Tsuki_ _♥ :_ _how am I supposed to remember someone if they don’t even say who they are_

Kuroo groaned, cursing out loud for already making a fool out of himself.  He quickly typed out his response before returning to waiting.

_Kuroo : oh right sorry~_

_Kuroo : it’s me Kuroo, Nekoma’s glorious captain_

Tsukishima’s response was almost instantaneous, much to Kuroo’s delight.

_Tsuki_ ♥ _: what do you want?_

_Kuroo : what are you doing this weekend?_

_Kuroo : let’s go on a date!_

Kuroo flopped backwards on to his bed, covering his face with a pillow as he waited for Tsukishima to respond.  After an indeterminable amount of time, he rips the pillow away, throwing it towards the foot of his bed before looking at his phone again.  No response.

Of course Tsukishima wasn’t going to respond. Why would he?  He only has a faint knowledge of Kuroo, why would he ever agree to a date with someone he barely knows?

He was going to have to try harder.

_Kuroo : eh sorry about that. That’s kind of weird._

_Kuroo : what are you up to? Have a good day of practice?_

He set his phone on the bed in his line of vision, waiting, watching for it to light up, alerting him to the arrival of a new message.

One minute.

Two minutes.

Kuroo ran a hand through his hair as he got off the bed, growling under his breath as he left the room to take a shower.  He tried to coax himself down from the irrational frustration bubbling up inside him.  It’s not his fault.  Tsukishima’s busy.  Maybe he’s taking a shower too.  Maybe he’s doing homework.  Maybe he’s with one of his friends.

He slid under the burning hot water, letting it scald his skin and take away any negative thoughts that were clouding his mind.  He tried to remind himself ‘you barely know him’, ‘he doesn’t owe you anything’, ‘take it easy, he’ll accept you when he’s ready’.  By the time he finished his shower, his skin was red and his thoughts were as clear as they could be, and he picked up his phone with renewed hope that Tsukishima would come around.

Sliding a finger across the screen, Kuroo smirked as he saw that Tsukishima had finally returned his message.

_Tsuki_ _♥_ _: sorry, mom called for dinner._

_Tsuki_ _♥ : and no offense, not really interested in dating anyone right now.  too busy with school and getting ready for the interhigh prelims._

_Tsuki_ _♥ : practice was fine._

Kuroo whooped and threw himself backwards onto his bed, holding his phone an inch from his face as he typed back that he understood, but let’s still be friends! He quickly discovered that Tsukishima wasn’t very talkative, but couldn’t help the wide grin from spreading across his face every time his phone buzzed at the arrival of a new message.

He talked to Tsukishima almost every day for a few weeks, but it wasn’t enough.  He wanted more.  He wanted to be able to see him with his own eyes, to touch him and be near him.  His face occupied nearly every one of his waking thoughts that weren't school or volleyball, though many of those managed to include Tsukishima as well.  Where did he sit when he was in class? In the front or in the back so he wouldn’t obstruct anyone’s view with his height?  Did he always go to morning practice? Did anyone stare at him while his team was changing in the locker room? Kuroo knew he would stare.  He didn’t feel as if he had that much self-control.

The intrusive thoughts were almost getting to be too much.  They were consuming him to the point that he couldn’t eat or sleep without a vision of Tsukishima slipping into his head.  It didn’t even cross his mind that his infatuation might seem a little bit strange to any onlookers considering the fact that he had only met Tsukishima in person once.  Kuroo felt like he was going insane before Kenma gently reminded him that Karasuno would be coming in two weeks for the joint training camp.

Two weeks.

In two weeks Tsukishima would be coming.  He’d be in Kuroo’s neck of the woods, in what was basically his playground.  The thought made him buzz with an excitement that he tried to conceal with a layer of nonchalance and indifference.

Why should he care? They were just rivals.

No one believed him.

In two weeks he would be here.

Then one. 

Five days.

Two more.

He’ll be here tomorrow.

Kuroo waited at the entrance to the gymnasium with the other captains as the Karasuno team unloaded their bus.  Someone made a comment about how they were missing a couple of players but that didn’t register in Kuroo’s mind.  As long as he was here, no one else really mattered.

He watched as Tsukishima stepped down from the vehicle, knees shaky from sitting in one place for too long.  His little freckled friend came down the steps before him, and Tsukishima grasped his shoulder as he made the drop from bus to the ground before letting go.  Kuroo frowned at the contact, but smiled as Tsukishima turned his way and gave him a small nod to recognize that he had been seen.  He felt someone elbow him in the side and looked down to see Kenma shaking his head, so he turned around and walked back inside to wait.

There weren’t very many opportunities to speak with Tsukishima during the camp.  Every once in a while, Kuroo was able to lure him into individual practice sessions after the camp was done for the evening.  Well, as individual as you could have with five or six other people on hand.  He discovered he liked coaching Tsukishima on the finer aspects of blocking, including the times when he would lift his arms high enough that his lower belly was exposed.  He noticed after a few nights that Tsukishima was now voluntarily coming to him for practice, although he was still a little reluctant and stubborn and never stayed for very long.

Kuroo finally got up the nerve to ask to speak to him privately on the last night of camp.  Tomorrow, all of the teams would be going their separate ways, returning to their own schools before another opportunity to train together arose.  Tsukishima would leave Tokyo, and Kuroo knew this would be his last opportunity for months to get the blonde to understand how he was feeling.

They sat outside on a low cement wall, a warm summer breeze wafting around their overheated bodies as a comfortable silence sat between them.  Kuroo wouldn’t have minded staying like this forever; he was close enough to Tsukishima to feel the heat rolling off his skin and he could hear the soft sound of his breathing.  But then Tsukishima started fidgeting, twisting his hands together in his lap and squirming in his seat until he was close enough to knock knees with Kuroo.  He bit out a hasty apology before jumping back a couple inches.

“You don’t have to be so nervous you know. I’m not going to bite.”  Kuroo smiled as he said this, spreading his lips over his teeth.

Tsukishima wrung his hands in the bottom of his shirt.  “Why’d you ask me out here?”

Kuroo shrugged, leaning over to bump his shoulder against his companion’s.  “Just been wanting to talk to you in person. Seems like we’ve talked so much, but never really had a conversation, you know?”

“Not really.”

“Laaaame.  Well how about this.  How’ve you been enjoying your first real training camp?”

“It’s not my first.  But it’s okay.  I’d rather be at home.”

Kuroo rolled his eyes and pinched the top of Tsukishima’s thigh.  “Come on, not even the least bit excited to get to spend so much time with me?”

Tsukishima slapped his hand away. “This wasn’t about you.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”  Kuroo watched him as Tsukishima pulled his bottom lip between his teeth before letting out a sigh.  “Hey.”

“Hey, hey~.”

“Where you serious?”

Kuroo cocked his head to the side, questioning gaze falling on the side of Tsukishima’s face. “What are you talking about, Tsuki?”

“The first time you texted me, you asked me out on a date.”

“Oh yeah.  I was, but you didn’t seem interested so I dropped it.” Kuroo leaned in so that his chin was only a centimeter or two away from Tsukishima’s shoulder.  “Unless…you’re interested now?”

Kuroo smirked as Tsukishima’s neck flushed at his question.  “I’m not, NOT interested.”

“Then let’s go on a date!” Kuroo reaches over and grabs Tsukishima’s hands from his lap, placing a quick kiss to the knuckles of his right hand.

“What? Right now?”

“No, not right now dummy, like next weekend or whatever.”

“Oh. Well, okay.”

Kuroo laughed and turned towards Tsukishima so that he could pull the younger boy towards him.  He was expecting more resistance when he planted a kiss on Tsukishima’s mouth, but was pleasantly surprised when he felt the blonde’s lips open up beneath his.  Kuroo grabbed the back of his neck, turning Tsukishima’s body so that they could more closely fit together on the short concrete fence.  He slowly pushed his tongue into the blonde’s mouth, sliding it in gently so as not to scare him away.  Tsukishima’s hands were at his waist, and he didn’t let go until they heard someone calling out for him.

Kuroo cursed under his breath as Tsukishima’s freckled little friend rounded the corner, inquiring as to what he was doing out here in the dark.  Tsukishima rubbed his mouth on the back of his arm before answering.  They were just having a short conversation about blocking, apparently.  He nodded and forced a clenched grin onto his face as Tsukishima bid him farewell for the night, watching him walk away with the other boy.

He didn’t know what to feel.  He had won.  Finally, he had what he had wanted for what seemed like forever.  Tsukishima agreed to go out with him.  He was going to have a free pass to talk to him whenever he wanted, to see him whenever he wanted.  But there was one little problem.  Tsukishima’s attention wasn’t fully on him.  It would never fully be on him as long as that annoying little pest flocked around him.  He didn’t know what to do.

After Tsukishima left, everything changed yet stayed the same.  They talked via text every day until he returned to Tokyo for their date.  It went well, nothing out of the ordinary and yet, Kuroo loved watching the small smile curl Tsukishima’s lips up every time he mentioned something that he was passionate about.  He didn’t even catch half of what Tsukishima said, and he didn’t know how long they had been sitting in that booth of the restaurant until he felt a hand on his knee.  He ripped his eyes away from the exposed area of the other boy’s neck to look up at his questioning eyes. God he was gorgeous.  Pretty pink lips, slender neck and nose, beautiful golden eyes.  Everything that Kuroo wanted.  He reached across the table and grabbed him by the chin, sealing their lips together until Tsukishima pried himself loose, sputtering something about Kuroo missing the point of his question and that they shouldn’t be doing things like that in public.

“In public?”

Tsukishima nodded fervently, tucking his hands underneath his legs so that they were out of Kuroo’s reach.  Kuroo also nodded in agreement before standing up, leaving enough money on the table to cover their bill, and dragging Tsukishima away from the restaurant by his elbow.  He ignored most of the questions that were spilling out from between his teeth. God, was he always like this? Kuroo didn’t care, Tsukishima could be as irritating as he wanted, and it wouldn’t derail Kuroo’s affections.  He decided to answer a few of the questions in short, clipped little sentences.

“My place.”

“No, my parents aren’t home.”

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. We just won’t be in public anymore.”

Tsukishima’s eyes widened as Kuroo slipped his fingers around his wrist, pulling him along the sidewalk.  He didn’t protest or pull away as Kuroo led him through the threshold of his home and upstairs to his bedroom.  He let out a small groan as Kuroo roughly pushed him against the wall, latching onto his neck in an open mouthed kiss.  Kuroo’s tongue was hot, burning a path from his shoulder to just below his ear. 

It was fiery and explosive, passionate and over as quickly as it had begun.  Kuroo watched him through lowered eyelids.  His chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm, small little love bites peppered over his shoulders.  His eyes were closed and his hair was mussed in a way that Kuroo could have sworn was illegal a few hours ago.

 He was beautiful.

And he was perfect.

“And you’re mine.”

Tsukishima shifted, and Kuroo realized he must have said what he was thinking aloud.  He quickly repaired whatever damage he had just caused by pressing a small kiss to Tsukishima’s forehead, the blonde’s face turning downwards into a grimace as his eyes fluttered open.  He asked if he should leave, and Kuroo said he never had to.  Not if he didn’t want to.  He relaxed again and Kuroo pulled him to his chest, falling asleep with Tsukishima’s heat and scent wrapped around him like a vice.

It was on the tip of his tongue again as he listened to Tsukishima’s breathing level out and steady as he fell into a slumber.

\-----

It was perfect. Everything was perfect.  It was as it should be, and it was better than anything he could have imagined.  They had been dating for a few weeks now, and he was happy. So beyond happy that he might even describe himself as ecstatic.  Tsukishima was here again, sitting between his legs as they watched the third movie of the night.  Somewhere in between the first and second they had had sex for the second time that evening, and Kuroo still found him hard to resist as he let Tsukishima’s hair tickle the side of his face.  He could see a few new bruises in perfect little semi-circles dotting the tops of Tsukishima’s shoulders, and they were perfect.  Tsukishima looked so good in purple and they stood out prominently against his skin.  Kuroo lightly pressed his teeth into one at the juncture of Tsukishima’s neck and shoulder, smirking as he felt his boyfriend shiver in his grasp.

“Cut it out.”

“Never.” Kuroo growled into his ear and he shivered again, pressing his back closer until Kuroo was sure that they would melt into one person.  He would like that.  To be one with Tsukishima.  Then they could be forever together until the end of time.

Kuroo nuzzles is face into Tsukishima’s shoulder and rubs his hands down the front of his body when he feels something buzzing.  He reaches in to Tsukishima’s pocket and pulls out his cellphone.  Looking at the caller ID, he notices that it is Tsukishima’s stupid little friend.  He quickly punches the end call button before dropping the phone onto the floor.

“Who was it?”

“No one important.”

Tsukishima clicks his tongue against his teeth before reaching down to grab his phone.  He scrolls through it until he finds the screen that lists his recent calls.  “Why did you hang up on Yamaguchi?”

“You’re with me now.”  Kuroo tightens his grip around Tsukishima’s waist, pressing his face closer to his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“So?”

“So, you don’t need to be talking to other people when you’re with me.”

“You’re dumb.”  Tsukishima disentangles himself from Kuroo’s grasp before standing up from the floor.  “I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going?”

“To call Yamaguchi back.  He never calls unless he actually needs something.”

Tsukishima walks out of the room, phone already pressed to his ear as Kuroo sulks on the floor.  There he was again.  That stupid kid was always going to be in his way.

Kuroo picked himself up off of the floor, instead lying back on the bed while he picked at his fingernails.  He didn’t like this. No, when Tsukishima was here, with him, all of his attention shouldn’t be focused somewhere else.  It made his stomach burn and his heart clench up like there was a fire raging inside him that needed to be let out or else he would completely explode. He bit down on his thumb to relieve some of the tension, but was still worked up when Tsukishima returned from his phone call.

“Are you okay?”

Kuroo turned toward the door, letting his face relax into a faked smile.  Funny. He hadn’t realized it had twisted up into a grimace.

“You look like you’re thinking too hard about something.”

“Have a nice little phone call, Tsuki?”  There it was.  The nickname that Freckles had given him.  He should really stop using that.

“Yeah, Yamaguchi just needed a couple questions answered.” Tsukishima sat down on the bed next to him, swinging his legs up so that he could lie down beside Kuroo.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, is that an issue?”

“No, no.  Just miss you when you’re gone.”  Kuroo slides his arm below Tsukishima’s shoulders, pulling him closer to his side.  “Say, you and him…”

“What?”

“Yeah, uhm, have you and he ever been like, a thing?”  Kuroo waves a hand back and forth in the air above them to emphasize his question.

Tsukishima squirmed against him, letting out an agitated sigh before answering.  “Kuroo, what are you talking about?”

“Nothing.  Just wondering what I’m up against.”

“You aren’t up against anything.  Yamaguchi’s my friend.  My best friend.  That’s all he’s ever been.”

Kuroo shrugs, not believing Tsukishima’s words in his head.  “I don’t like the way he looks at you.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing, nothing… Just, doesn’t it seem like you guys are a little too close?”  Kuroo knew they were always together.  Always.  When he wasn’t with Kuroo, he was with him, and Kuroo didn’t like it.

He could practically hear the way Tsukishima rolled his eyes.  “Aren’t you and Kenma a little close?”

“Kenma and I don’t have slumber parties in high school.”

“He spent the night at my house once in the past year because we were up studying after midnight.” Kuroo remembered that night.  He had been trying to talk to Tsukishima on the phone and he kept hearing the other kid’s voice in the background.  Tsukishima rolled onto his side, letting his head rest against Kuroo’s shoulder.  “What brought all of this on?”

“Nothing.”

“That’s bullshit.”  Tsukishima drew himself up from the bed until he was hovering over Kuroo.  “What’s your problem today?”

“I said it’s nothing.” Kuroo reached a hand up until he could grab the back of Tsukishima’s neck.  He pressed on it slightly, requesting a kiss.  When Tsukishima doesn’t budge, Kuroo sticks out his bottom lip in a pout.  “Come here.”

“No. You’re being an ass.  What’s wrong with Yamaguchi?”

“Tsukishima, just drop it.” Kuroo lifts himself up, rolling over until the blonde was beneath him.  He leans down, pressing an open mouthed kiss to the middle of his boyfriend’s throat.

“Kuroo, stop.”  He didn’t stop. He kissed a line from Tsukishima’s neck to his jaw, leaving little love bites there.  He pressed a knee between Tsukishima’s legs and feels the boy shiver beneath him.  “I said stop!”  Tsukishima roughly shoves Kuroo’s shoulders, forcing him far enough away to allow himself to escape.  “I’m going home.”

“What, but it’s so late?”

Tsukishima picks up his coat from the floor and slips it on.  “There still should be another train.”

Kuroo grabs at one of his boyfriend’s hands, gripping it tightly when he has it in his grasp.  “Tsukishima, wait. I’m sorry.”

Tsukishima stared at him, eyebrows drawn together in a frown.  “I still need to go home.  I have things to do tomorrow.  Walk me to the train station.”  When Kuroo didn’t make a move to get up, Tsukishima sighed. “Please.”

Kuroo nodded slightly, collecting himself enough to get off of the bed.  They walked to the train station in silence, not touching each other as they walked.  Every time their shoulders brushed, Tsukishima would hiss, jumping back a few centimeters to put distance between them again.

When they arrive at the station, they still have five minutes before Tsukishima has to board.  Kuroo lets out a loud groan, running both of his hands through his hair before turning to face his boyfriend.  “I am sorry you know.  I didn’t mean to act like that.”

Tsukishima fidgeted, shifting his weight from one leg to the other as he considered Kuroo’s apology.  “Yeah. It’s okay.  Just, don’t do it again.”

“Promise.”  Kuroo opens his arms, inviting Tsukishima to step between them.  When he finaly does, Kuroo wraps him up in a suffocating hug, resting his chin on the slightly taller boy’s shoulder.  He whispers into his ear, “I love you.”

Kuroo feels Tsukishima stiffen in his arms, so he pulls him in a little bit tighter.  He can feel Tsukishima’s face burning where it presses into his own.  He thinks he hears him mumble an ‘I love you, too’ in return, so he presses a kiss to his cheek, only pulling away when he finally hears the boarding signal for Tsukishima’s train.  He lets go with one last squeeze.

“Let me know when you get home.”

“It’ll be really late, Kuroo.  I don’t want to wake you up.”

“I’ll sleep better knowing you’re safe.”  Tsukishima gives him a doubtful look, complete with arms crossed and an exasperated expression.  “Please. I feel better knowing where you are.”

Tsukishima nods, accepting a quick peck on the lips before leaving to return home.  He calls Kuroo when he gets home as promised, and Kuroo realizes he does feel a lot better knowing where his boyfriend is.  Especially if Tsukishima is at home, alone in his own bed, without any other people around him.

It starts out innocently enough.  Simple questions with simple answers that gives Kuroo all the information he thinks he needs.

Home from practice yet?

What are you doing after school today?

Got any big tests to study for this week?

The answers to these questions provided Kuroo with a general idea of what Tsukishima was doing, who he was with, and for how long.  He convinced himself that it was to help protect him.  If he couldn’t physically be there to take care of him, then he could at least know where he spends his waking hours.  It was all about safety.  It made him calmer to know where he was.

Unless the answers involved things like “Yamaguchi is spending the night so we can study for biology together.” Or “I went out with Yamaguchi to get dinner after practice.”

Every time Tsukishima mentioned that name, Kuroo felt like he wanted to rip out his eyeballs.  He didn’t want to see that name.  He didn’t want to hear that name.  Why did he get to spend all of Tsukishima’s free time?  It wasn’t fair.  Kuroo deserved more of Tsukishima’s time than _he_ did.

Kuroo called him.

“Hey, babe.  What are you up to?”

The line crackled a little as Kuroo listened.  He wondered where Tsukshima was that he didn’t have a solid connection.  Tsukishima’s voice comes through in a loud whisper.  “I already told you this morning.  I’m studying in the library with Yamaguchi.”

Kuroo clicked his nails against the back of his phone and bit down on the tip of his tongue at the mention of Tsukishima’s friend.  “Oh, well you didn’t have to answer if you’re in the library.”

“Well apparently I did.  You’ve called me at least 10 times already.  Now what is it?”

“Nothing, nothing… I just wanted to talk to my handsome boyfriend…”

“Look, I’ll call you later when I get home. Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.  Tsukishima?”

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

Kuroo hears Tsukishima sigh.  “I love you too.”

Kuroo listens until the line clicks off.  He sat on his bed, waiting until Tsukishima called him back.  When he finally did, Kuroo felt like all of the air had just rushed out of him, leaving him as an empty vessel for Tsukishima’s voice to fill.  It was nice, listening to everything his sweet, quiet voice had to say.  He closed his eyes and pictured Tsukishima sitting next to him.  He said he had already taken a shower, so Kuroo tried to imagine the sweet scent of Tsukishima’s body wash folding over him like a blanket.

It was nice. So nice until he mentioned him again.

“Yamaguchi said-”

“Do you really have to talk about him all the time?”

Tsukishima coughs slightly, making the line go fuzzy as Kuroo laid back on his bed.  “What are you talking about?  Yamaguchi has already seen the movie you’re talking about and said it wasn’t very good.  I didn’t want you to waste your money on something like that.”

Kuroo could feel the familiar, unpleasant heat of anger bubbling in his stomach again.  “What makes you think I want his opinion on something?  It’s not like we are so strikingly similar that we would have similar interests in things.”

“That’s not what I meant.”  Tsukishima groaned, Kuroo could hear his bedsprings squeak through the phone.  At least he wasn’t lying about his location this time.  “Seriously, what’s your problem with Yamaguchi?”

“I don’t have a problem.”  Kuroo holds his thumb to his teeth and chews on the nail.  “Unless there’s a reason you think I should have a problem?”

“What, no, that’s not-”

“Because obviously if you think I have a problem, there’s a reason why you think I should have a problem.  Is there something you need to tell me?”

“I don’t want to talk about this right now. I’m going to bed.”

“No, we’re already talking about it, so let’s just get it over with.  Is there something going on between you two?”

“Kuroo, you’re sounding crazy.  Look, we can talk about this when I come over this weekend.  That’s just four nights from now.  Until then, I think it’s better if we distance ourselves from this topic.”

“Tsukishima…”

“Goodnight.”

Kuroo listens to the line click as it cuts off.  He takes a quick glance at the black screen before tossing the phone to the end of his bed.

No, this isn’t right.

This can’t be the way things are supposed to happen.

Tsukishima couldn’t be doing that.  Not the Tsukishima he knew.  The Tsukishima he knew _loved_ him.  He wanted to be with him all the time and didn’t care about anyone else.  Tsukishima was lying.  That’s all it was.  Just playing a nasty little joke that came out a lot less funny than it was meant to be.

It’s okay though.  Because he was still the person Kuroo first fell in love with.  He’s just a little busy. Tests and stuff.  Volleyball.  Yamaguchi.

Kuroo knew in the back of the mind that he was being irrational.  That of course Tsukishima is still going to want to spend time with his one and only friend.  That’s just the way it was.  But it didn’t stop the nagging feeling that lurked right behind his eyes.  What was Tsukishima really doing when he wasn’t directly within Kuroo’s line of sight? Was he really where he said he was?  At school or at home or at _his_ house?  Kuroo couldn’t be sure and the thought infuriated him.  And why did he always have to leave the room when he made a phone call at Kuroo’s house?  He never did that when he was with Yamguchi.  He knew that because he could _always_ hear someone on the other end of the line.  What if he really was lying? What if the worst really was happening and Tsukishima really was cheating on him?  What if, what if, what if?

The thoughts began to cloud his mind.  Instead of the flowery pictures Kuroo had created in his mind before they had even started dating, he was met with ugly images of Tsukishima lying out below someone else.  Tsukishima making those beautiful pleasure faces while someone else touched him.  Tsukishima being driven into by his annoying little friend.  The thoughts ate at him, making him unable to sleep or eat without his stomach flipping over.  Every time he thought of Tsukishima, he could taste stomach acid boiling in the back of his throat.  His eyes burned and his skin ached where he drew his own fingernails over it, scratching at himself until the skin broke.

He wasn’t okay.  This wasn’t okay.

The questions quickly became less subtle.

Where are you?

Who are you with?

What are you doing?

Call me.

He was fine as long as Tsukishima answered him.  But sometimes he didn’t.  Why was that? What was he doing that made it impossible for him to answer a simple text message?  The reasons were out of Kuroo’s grasp.

By the time Tsukishima arrived on Saturday, Kuroo felt as if he stood out in the sun for too long, he would spontaneously combust and burst into ash.  His mind was a haze of all the questions he wanted to ask, but his lips stayed sealed into a thin line as they walked in silence from the train station to Kuroo’s house.  His tongue felt heavy, as if it was too big for his mouth.  He choked on it every time he opened his mouth to speak.  And everything was so LOUD.   The fly buzzing past his ear sounded like thunder and the bouncing ball in the park sounded like gunshots.  His ears were ringing and his eyes hazy by the time they finally stepped through the door of Kuroo’s home.  The last noise he heard was the clicking of the lock in the door before he was drowned in silence.

They still didn’t speak any more than was necessary to put a DVD on in the front television.  They sat side by side, not touching but close enough to feel every single time the other shifted in his seat.

Tsukishima was the first to break the silence.  “Are we going to talk or not?”

Kuroo shrugs, stretching his arms over his head as he lets out a noncommittal grunt.  “It’s all up to you.  Is there something you feel like you need to tell me?”

“What I want to know is this.”  Tsukishima turns so he is sitting with one leg bent in front of him on the couch so that he can face Kuroo.  “What exactly do you think is going on with me and Yamaguchi?”

“I don’t know, just…” Kuroo waves his hand back and forth between them, trying to dispel some of the tension he is feeling inside.  “You spend too much time with him.  You don’t answer your phone when you’re with him.  I don’t like it.  It makes me feel like…I don’t know.”

“It makes you feel like what?”

Kuroo makes a displeased face and sticks his bottom lip out.  “Like you’re fucking around or something.”

“You can’t be serious.” Tsukishima looks at him, and Kuroo can’t meet his eyes.  “Oh my god, you are.  Why would I even do that? I’m dating you. Do you not trust me or something?”

Kuroo crosses his arms, tucking his chin to his chest as he stares at his feet propped on the coffee table.  “You haven’t given me many reasons to trust you.”

“What _exactly_ have I done that makes you think I’m untrustworthy because I’m really at a loss right now.”

“Well, it’s more what you haven’t done than what you have. Like what the hell am I supposed to think when I can’t get a hold of you?”

“That I’m _busy._ That I’m away from my phone or in the shower or at practice!”  Tsukishima lets out a loud, frustrated groan and gets up from the couch.  “You are so vexing.”

“ _I’m_ vexing?  You’re the one who caused all of this.”

“Oh no, don’t you _dare_ make this about me.”  Tsukishima stands in front of him, knocking his legs off of the coffee table. “This is completely about you and your inability to trust me.  You don’t have the right to know what I’m doing every second of every day.  What do you want?  For me to tell you every time I leave my room to go to the bathroom too?  I don’t owe you, or anyone else for that matter, any sort of information like that.”

“Tsukishima…I’m just trying to make sure you’re safe…”  Kuroo reaches up to grab Tsukishima’s hips, but his hands are shoved away.

“No. Don’t. Don’t touch me.”  Tsukishima takes a few steps away, until the small table is now in the middle of them.  “You don’t care if I’m _safe_. You’re trying to make sure I’m not somewhere you don’t want me to be.  You reasons are completely selfish.”

“Tsukishima…”  Kuroo stands up as well, but stops moving forward when he sees his boyfriend move himself further away.

“No.  Just, stop please.” Tsukishima crosses his arms in front of his body, trying to block his person from Kuroo’s scorching gaze.  “ Yamaguchi says that he thinks our relationship is unhealthy…”

Kuroo lets out a barking laugh, crossing his arms behind his head.  “Yamaguchi says, Yamaguchi says. GOD, why do you even listen to that fucking brat?”

“You’re an idiot.  He’s my _friend._ And I’m starting to think he’s right.” Tsukishima turns away, saying his next words with his back towards Kuroo.  “If our relationship was a good thing, then I wouldn’t feel like I was going to throw up when I come within five feet of you.” 

“Tsukishima…”

“Stop saying my name.  It’s burning my ears.”

“Fine.” Kuroo lets his arms drop, crossing them in front of his chest instead of behind his head. “I just wish you would see that he’s trying to control you.  He doesn’t really want you to be happy.”

“You know what’s funny?  Yamaguchi said the exact same thing to me.” Tsukishima turned back towards Kuroo, eyes shining bright with unshed tears and a spotty red flush over his cheeks.  “But the thing is, I do think he’s right.  You’re the one trying to control me Kuroo.”

“That’s not true.”

“Oh it isn’t? Then why can’t I go five minutes without a text inquiring as to where I am. Who I’m with.  What I’m doing.  You don’t even ask any more about how I am and how my day was.   If you trusted me, and really wanted me to be happy as opposed to trying to control my life, those are the things that you would ask.”

“You’re over-exaggerating.”

“No, I think you’re just deluded.  You’re trying to convince me to stop seeing my only friend, the friend I’ve known _way_ longer than you.”  Tsukishima closes his eyes, and lets out a big sigh that seems to deflate any sign of fight left in him.  “I don’t think this would be a good thing to continue, Kuroo.”

“What? Are you trying to break up with me or something?”

“Yes. This. Us.  It’s not good for me.  And I think it would be unwise to drag this out any further.  I don’t want you to get too attached.”

Kuroo bites down on the inside of his lip, drawing a little bit of blood when he presses in too hard.  “You can’t do that.”

“I have to. I’m sorry.”

“That’s a load of bullshit.”  Kuroo unwinds his arms, letting them fall to his sides as his hands ball into fists.  “You can’t just do that to me.”

“Kuroo, stop.”

“No.” Kuroo takes the few steps around the coffee table that is necessary to grab Tsukishima by the shoulders.  “You said you loved me.”

“I did…say that.”  Tsukishima places his hands on Kuroo’s arms and begins pushing them away, but Kuroo is stronger than him and he doesn’t get very far.  “I’m thinking now that that was a mistake.”

His fingers dig deeper into the skin of Tsukishima’s shoulders, making the younger boy wince. “ _I_ love you.”

“No, you don’t.  Someone who loves someone else doesn’t treat them like you’ve been treating me.”

“Yes, I do! I can prove it, Tsukishima.” Kuroo shakes Tsukishima’s shoulders, hands gripping him tighter. “Let me prove it.”

“Kuroo, no. Ow! Cut it out!” Tsukishima renews his effort to remove Kuroo’s hands from his body.  He struggles against Kuroo’s vice-like grip, eventually managing to escape from one of his hands.  “Stop it, please.  You’re hurting me!”

Kuroo immediately drops his hands and takes a few steps back.  If Tsukishima didn’t know any better, he would have thought Kuroo had been slapped from the dazed look on his face.  Tsukishima takes a couple paces back until he is out of Kuroo’s reach.  When he is sure Kuroo won’t try to make a grab at him again, he reaches down to pick up his coat and makes his way towards the door.

Kuroo thinks he hears Tsukishima say he’s sorry again before the door slams shut and Kuroo is thrown into deafening silence once again.

He’s alone. So very alone.  Yet he cannot ever truly be lonely with the pictures of Tsukishima swirling around in his head.  He didn’t understand.  What had he done wrong? What did he do?

He didn’t want to be alone.

He wanted Tsukishima more than anything.

He was consumed by his thoughts, invasive and persistent as they were.  He remembered everything.  From the way his lips curled up into a mocking smile and the way his hands felt against Kuroo’s skin.

He had an image in his head of how this was supposed to end.  And that was only when one of them stopped breathing.  They were supposed to be _happy_.  It couldn’t end like this.

It wasn’t going to end like this.

\--------

The next time he saw Kuroo was at a practice match.  They weren’t playing Nekoma, but the school that they were scrimmaging had multiple matches set up for themselves that day, and unfortunately Kuroo’s school was just one of them.  Tsukishima didn’t notice that he was there until he saw those red uniforms cascading out of the doorway to the court.  Kuroo stood in the forefront, as a captain should, with all of his teammates behind him.  Tsukishima glanced at him before turning away.  He wiped at his sweaty face with a towel Yamaguchi had handed him, and yet he could still feel those cold eyes staring into the back of his head.

“Don’t stand too close to me,” Tsukishima mumbled under his breath to his friend. 

“Huh? Why, Tsuki?”  Tsukishima realized Yamaguchi must not have noticed them yet, but the freckled boy quickly turned around when he hears Hinata very loudly greeting Nekoma’s setter. “Oh. Okay.”

“Yeah.  Just, be careful until we leave.”

“Okay, Tsuki.”  Yamaguchi quickly stuffs his things inside his bag.  Tsukishima holds on to Yamaguchi’s towel to minimize the contact between the two.  “Is he still obsessed with you?”

Tsukishima lets out a hissing breath through his teeth when he notices Nekoma moving closer to their bench.  “Yeah.  It’s been three weeks, and he still calls me every day.  More than once.”

“Tsuki, that’s really scary.” Yamaguchi hoists his bag onto his shoulder.  He was still close enough to Tsukishima so that they could continue to talk in hushed tones.  “You’re the one who should be careful.  Do you think he’ll try to do something?”

“Not here.”  Tsukishima zips his bag closed carefully, tensing when Kuroo comes within three meters of him.  He can feel Yamaguchi shaking at his side, and subtly elbows him in the ribs to get him to make some excuse to leave.

Yamaguchi jumps, but takes the cue. “Um, Captain!  Tsuki and I are going to go outside.  It’s a little bit too stuffy in here right now and I’m feeling light headed.”

Sawamura looks up from his conversation with their coach before nodding, instructing Sugawara to go with them in case Yamaguchi gets sick.  Tsukishima lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding and follows Yamaguchi and Sugawara out of the gymnasium.  He was relieved Suga was going with them.  While their senpai wasn’t much in the way of stature, his presence ensured the Kuroo wouldn’t try to do anything that he might if it was only he and Yamaguchi.

The cold air was biting as it cut into their skin.  Sugawara stood closest to Tsukishima as they waited for the rest of their team to emerge, and he could feel his senior shivering in his thin sweats. He mumbled a small apology and Sugawara only smiled knowingly.  Tsukishima was aware that Sugawara knew about his former relationship with Kuroo, but was thankful that he didn’t ask any questions.

He was also thankful he didn’t have to interact with Kuroo and his unbroken, unblinking gaze.

Tsukishima thought that this may be the end of it.  That the phone calls and text messages would stop when Kuroo saw that he was completely uninterested in even speaking to him, much less fixing their poor excuse for a relationship.

He wanted to remove this lapse of judgment from his memory, to forget about everything and finally put it behind him, but Kuroo wouldn’t let him do that.

It was a Saturday when the phone calls finally stopped.  Tsukishima woke at nearly noon to the sound of a bird clicking its beak against his window instead of the incessant vibrating of his phone.  The last message from Kuroo came around 8:30 am that day, inquiring as to whether or not Tsukishima was at home.  He deleted it, just like every other message he had received from Kuroo since they broke up.  The silence was nice, and he relished in it as he took a shower and ate a late breakfast.  He didn’t have anything to do that day, his parents were out of town and Yamaguchi was helping his mother with something, so he planned to spend the rest of the day doing whatever he wanted. Which ultimately equated to nothing.

He cleaned his room, straightening the shelves above his desk and dusting off the little dinosaur he had had for as long as he could remember.  He watched a movie in the living room, letting himself laugh at the mediocrity of the late 80’s horror film.  He cooked himself dinner and washed the dishes, knowing if he didn’t his mother would scold him like no tomorrow when she got home the next day.  He then messed up his bed again by lying in it to read a book, headphones cased over his ears as he set soft music to play in the background.

Sitting in his bed, the silence was deafening.  Sure, he had his favorite music pouring into his ears and the comforting rustle of paper on paper as he flipped the pages, but he felt as if he was surrounded by nothingness.  There was no wind outside, so there were also no sounds of that tree branch that needed to be cut scratching along his window.  He couldn’t hear the sharp laughter of the next door neighbor’s child playing in the backyard.  He couldn’t even pick out the sound of the dishwasher whirring away in the kitchen.

Tsukishima dug a finger into the inside of his ear, thinking maybe he had made himself go deaf by playing his music too loud again.  But no.  Everything was just eerily still.  It was uncomfortable and heavy, like some weight was pressing down onto his back and hanging over his head.

He looks down at his phone sitting beside him on the bed.  It is just past 9pm.   Over twelve hours for the first time in months without some sort of contact from Kuroo.  It doesn’t feel right, even though that was what he wanted.

He didn’t know what would make Kuroo all of a sudden give up.

Just as Tsukishima is about to slip his headphones back over his ears, he hears a sharp knock at the front door.  He slides out of bed, dropping his book on the floor before heading to the front of the house.  He couldn’t see who it was from the side window; whoever is there is standing too close to the door.  Tsukishima unlocks the deadbolt and slides the door open.  Before he can slam it shut again, a foot is shoved in between the door and the frame.

“Kuroo.” Tsukishima tries to nudge his boot out from the doorway so that he can close it, but his bare feet mean nothing to the leather clothing Kuroo’s foot.  “Please go away.”

“I just want to talk.”  Kuroo presses against the door with enough force to push it open without hurting Tsukishima.  “Come on. Please let me in.  I’ll leave as soon as you hear me out.”

Tsukishima considers his options, but quickly realizes that if he wanted to come inside, he would be able to. Kuroo was always stronger than him, and the tone that currently laced through his voice was not one that made Tsukishima think he would just go away.  So he steps away from the door, and Kuroo steps inside.  His eyes are cold, dark and tired, as if he hasn’t slept in a few days.  The rest of his appearance is none too stellar either; his shirt is wrinkled and looks like he might have slept in it for more than one day, and his hair is even more out of control than Tsukishima’s used to.  What startles him the most is the faint dusting of hair that covered Kuroo’s jaw.  He had never seen Kuroo unshaven before.

“You look terrible,” Tsukishima comments almost without thinking.  He curses himself as the words fall from between his lips.  He really didn’t want to upset Kuroo worse.

But the older boy lets out an unsettling laugh, a sick, twisted version of his casual smirk marring his features.  “Nice to see you too.”

“What did you want to talk about?  I was in the middle of something.”  He wasn’t.  He lied, and Kuroo knew he was lying.

“Alone tonight?”  Kuroo looked around the entryway to Tsukishima’s home and stuffed his hands deep into the pockets of his coat.  Tsukishima nods slightly, hands curling into fists at his sides. “That’s good, that’s good.  There’s really only the one thing.  What happens after that depends on your answer.”

Tsukishima really didn’t like the sound of Kuroo’s voice.  It almost resembled a threat.  “What is it?”

Kuroo takes a deep breath, staring Tsukishima straight in the eyes. “I love you.”

“Kuroo-”

“I can’t stop thinking about you.  I can’t get you out of my fucking head.”  Kuroo was raising his voice now, and Tsukishima shrunk back, nearly tripping over a pair of shoes lying near the wall.  “I need you to come back, Kei.  Please.”

“Kuroo, I can’t do that.”

Kuroo’s face fell, and his left hand dropped out of his coat pocket. “Why _not_?”

“I just can’t.  This wasn’t a good thing.  I want you to leave now.” Tsukishima takes a step forward, hoping to push Kuroo back out the door.

“I don’t understand you.  What was so wrong that you feel like you can’t come back?”

“Kuroo, you need to go.”

Kuroo let out a long breath through his nose, straightening his back and sticking out his chest.  “Last chance to change your answer.”

“No.”

Kuroo’s face twisted until he wasn’t anyone Tsukishima could have recognized. It was an ugly, ugly thing, and it ripped through Tsukishima’s heart.  It was ugly, and almost as terrifying as the shiny gray gun he pulled out his right pulled out of his right pocket.

Tsukishima is stumbling backwards again, and this time he falls.  He thinks he hears Kuroo sob as his head hits the ground, though he doesn’t know if he remembered to scream himself.  He feels Kuroo’s wet face pressing next to his own, pressing soft kisses down the side of his face until he reaches Tsukishima’s ear.  Kuroo whispers two last words into his ear before Tsukishima hears a second gunshot, this one causing his ears to ring as he chokes out one last breath before all of Kuroo’s weight slumps against him.

“You’re _mine_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's it. The last day. Who do I turn my KuroTsuki ship card into? I don't think I should be allowed to participate in this ship anymore after this.
> 
> A little bit of info about my take on the topic of 'Obsessive Love'.
> 
> Many people think that obsession is some cute little thing. “Oh, I can't get him out of my mind, he's all I think about!” Things like that. But it's NOT. True Obsession is characterized by invasive thoughts. Thoughts that you cannot help but think, no matter how terrible or disturbing they may be. Obsession in this sense is a part of Obsessive Love, which to many people may not even qualify as love due to the abusive nature of it.
> 
> I based the plotline of this story loosely on the Obsessive Love Wheel, a hypothetical circle described by Dr. John D. Moore. There are 4 phases of an Obsessive Relationship, according to this hypothesis. 
> 
> The first is the Attraction Phase, characterized by an intense initial attraction and a desire to immediately delve into a deep, romantic relationship. Also, most of this attraction will be purely physical, ignoring any major personality differences. The beginnings of controlling behaviors on the part of the obsessed begin to appear.
> 
> The second stage is the Anxious Phase. The person who is obsessed may start having thoughts that their partner is being unfaithful. They become very anxious and worried, and may even fall into a depressive state. They feel the need to be in constant contact with their partner, through phone, social media, etc. True controlling behaviors begin to manifest.
> 
> The third stage is the true Obsessive Phase. The only thing the obsessed can think about is their love interest, and they feel a desire for constant attention from the object of their affection. They begin accusing their loved one of infidelity due to their extreme anxiety. This also begins behavior that is akin to stalking. Rapid phone calls to their home or place of work, drive-bys to see if they are where they say they are. They begin controlling the person further by constantly questioning their loved one's commitment to the relationship.
> 
> The fourth and final phase is the Destructive Phase. This is where the one who is being obsessed over has finally had enough and ends the relationship. This is the most dangerous of the four phases. If not seen to by a mental health professional, the one who has been obsessed may fall into depression, low self-esteem, and self-hatred. They begin to feel rage and an overwhelming desire to get revenge against the one who left them. They may turn to drugs, alcohol, and sex to remove the other from their minds. In extreme cases, suicidal tendencies may arise.
> 
> And here ends the dreyars crash course on Obsessive Love. It's not a good thing. It's not cute. And it's not something to be desired. It is the result of a poor attachment style and a shoddy attempt at forcing love into somewhere it doesn't need to be. The person who is obsessed wants to quite literally possess the person they are attracted to, not just love for them and care for them, though they may use such excuses. Please use terms like Puppy Love or something to describe the cutesy bootsy love teens go through.
> 
> I hope this wasn't too out of character, considering what I was trying to do. This is officially the longest of the 30 days. I'm sad to see this series end, but maybe one day I'll be allowed to revisit KuroTsuki and write gross cuddly fluff. 
> 
> If you're in need of more KuroTsuki goodness right now, I have a dark yet happy ending KuroTsuki on here called "Three Red Flowers", if you haven't read it yet. It represents a much healthier, loving relationship than this one. And no one dies.
> 
> I have a few non-KuroTsuki fics in the works as well, so be on the lookout. And I'm still on Tumblr as dreyars if you want to tell me how much you hate me.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Kuroo and Tsukishima to the moon and back, but I love a love-hate, angst filled, dysfunctional relationship even more. I will try with all my soul to actually have something to post on each of the days (there is 26 prompts so, here's to that). I already have the first 5 days (4 if you don't include this one) worked out, so be vigilant.  
> Thanks for reading!


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